An Update and a Thank You

Thank you to all of you who commented or just read my last entry. I guess it sounded like I was miserable but I am not. I love supporting my boyfriend and discussing his workouts most of the time. But then again there are those days... Yesterday was one of them. Thank God today is not! I feel like I'm on a roller coaster sometimes. Hopefully my better days are growing in numbers when the bad ones are shrinking in size. I am very thankful for all your support. You put a huge smile on my face and pushing me harder to do better the next day. So here is what I did the last couple of days:

Monday: eaten: 1,515 calories / 196carbs / 38fat / 101protein

The Biggest Loser Last Chance Workout (-the last circuit)

burned: 401 calories / total: 38 minutes / 18min. @target heart rate

Tuesday: eaten: 1,556 calories / 205carbs / 33fat / 111 protein

Walk on Treadmill

burned: 566 calories / total: 55 minutes / 31min. @target heart rate

Trying to cut back on calories is tough. But I know it will get down slowly. I still can't get over the "hungry." As long as I'm not eating more than 1600 I'll deal with it. I really hope to get 6 days of workouts this week. Even if it's a short workout I'm gonna get my butt off this chair and move. I'm hoping for a second run with the Last Chance workout tomorrow. It was very hard. The intensity is wow! I might need to take a few breaks for a minute or so... but I'll do the whole thing and not skip the last circuit this time. There is nothing too difficult in it. Just need to get used to the high intensity. and I will. I will do it. 

My Boyfriend at the Gym & I'm Not

I woke up to a gloomy, rainy monday morning. I don't actually have to go out today, so I'm not gonna make a big deal out of it. Still hoping for sunshine tomorrow! I had a very nice, relaxing weekend. Spent both days with my boyfriend. We rarely get to see each other over the week, so the weekends are strictly for "us" time. and I wanna tell you why.

My boyfriend (actually fiancee and bestfriend) works at the treasury department of a major bank in our country. Not all treasury departments work the way, but his is a little demanding on time. He works an average of 12 hours 5 days a week. His work starts at 7:30am and he usually works till 7:30pm. This is almost like the opposite of my life right now as I currently don't have a job.

So what does he do when he leaves his job and sitting in traffic for at least half an hour (if he is lucky) he goes to the gym! He is (not professional but he gets ask to go pro all the time) is a body builder. Not one of those drug pumped weirdos. He works 1.5 to 2 hours 6 days a week! He eats on schedule what he has to and takes care of himself perfectly. Of course when he's out of the gym by 10pm he is tired and still has to get ready for the next day and has to get up around 6am. Oh he also does cardio at work gym a couple of times a week which means he has to be there by 6 o'clock. Yes he looks perfect. I love it. Then I hate it.

He works so hard that I can't even imagine doing it myself ever. Then at lunch I'm the girl sitting across from him tears in my eyes because I really want that cheeseburger. (I'm a food-addict, emotional eater) He just looks at me with those understanding eyes, holds my hand, smiles at me and says "Have you cheeseburger. I just want you to be happy." But I'm not happy! I can't be happy when I know what he has to go through to take care of himself and I'm sitting at home all day and most days not even manage to get a single workout in.

This is not what happened this weekend. But it happened a million times before. This weekend I was confident and in control of my appetite. It was quiet nice. I didn't have a food realted freak out this whole week really. I've been feeling good and I'm blaming for this blog for feeling good and all of you :)

But we had a fight on saturday. He was telling me about this guy coming up to him at the gym and commenting on my boyfrend's morning cardio sessions "It's good you have time I just don't" is what the guy told him. Of course he had no idea about bf's schedule,etc. And my baby gets real mad at people like that. He doesn't really jodge that they don't do the work he just gets mad that they assume he has it easy. I have to also tell you we are both very bad tempered people. So bf was pretty mad (now I know he didn't realize how mad he sounded at the time) so I was telling him "everybody has different expectations from their days so if he is staying up late cos he's watching tv even that means he doesn't have time to him. He doesn't know anything about you." etc But bf thought I was on the guy's side, which when you think about it doesn't make sense. But it turned into a whole big thing. Whatever in the end everybody calmed down and we had a very nice weekend. The fight is forgotten. But soemthing did remain.

I don't really care about that guy. I don't care about anybody else for that matter. I just couldn't tell him I feel horrible cos I slept late that morning and didn't even get a 15 minute workout. I worked on my hair and make up for an hour but not my body. If I told him he wouldn't really know what to say and sometimes he says "But it's different you're not him" But that guy was at the gym! Did I even workout the day that conversation took place?? I can't stand him talk about his workouts, his perfect dieting habbits. It is a big part of his life and it is very important to him. But I can't stand it!! I feel like a loser every time. ıf this feeling will ever go away please please please hurry up and get gone. I don't want to get lost in my dark clouds every time my love shares his passion with we.

2nd Day: Feeling Pretty Good

I realized I didn't write my current weight yesterday, so here we go
Current weight: 215lbs

Today was a success! Not exactly how I planned it but I'm proud of myself! I got a little report for you!
calories: 1474 / carbs: 189 / fat: 42 / protein: 88
workout: 60 minutes on treadmill (run total of 5 minutes)
46 minutes @ target heart rate!
burned 716 calories

Not bad! I don't know how long it has been since I consumed less than 2000 calories. Probably two or three months and that is a long time. I didn't get up early as I planned this morning. Cos I didn't really go to bed on time. One thing led to another and you know the rest. So I didn't have a morning yoga session. I'm a little particular about yoga. I want the house calm and quiet. When I open the window I want the fresh morning air filling up the room, etc. I'm gonna work on my sleeping schedule like a maniac though. Cos I will have to have a better structure soon when hopefully I get a job. And I need to fix it now cos first of all early morning is my favorite time of the day and I miss it. Also I do feel better when I can get up early like 7am. I'm hoping to be waking up at 6am next week! I really really want it. I can have my yoga and have walks in that beautiful fresh air and feel better about my day!

So about my rules for the week... I think I did pretty good on portion control. I cooked my own dinner (shrimps and pasta), had an eggwhite omlette for breakfast which was better than I thought (I'm really in love with egg yolk) probably the smoked turkey breast helped. I also did manage to eat every three hours which I find very difficult especially trying to limit your calories. Not that good on savoring may be but overall it was a great day!

I'm feeling tired after my workout. 716 calories burned isnt bad :D Now I gotta ice my knee, walk my doggy then go to bed with my book and get up a little earlier working towards that 6 am.

Goodnight to me =)

Day#1 The Beginning

I honestly did not expect the support you've given me on my very first day! Thank you so very much! I've read a million different blogs today. Enjoyed most of them and my bookmarks are so crowded I don't know how to find my way, gotta organize a little.
I did not work out today. The main reason was because I went to bed so late last night and woke up late I wasn't feeling all that well. I have a little arrhythmia problem since birth and my heart doesn't play along unless I'm fully rested (regular sleeping schedule reguired). I'm going to bed as soon as I finish typing so I' planning on going for Weight Loss Yoga by Gaiam. I used to use that video so much. Loved it. Makes me feel good, strong, refreshed, calmer, more focused. Then I'll have a busy day running around in town, lots to do. We'll see how it goes.
I was hungry the whole day. Couldn't feeol comfortable whatever I ate. Might mean that my period is approaching fast. My skin is acting up too. I didn't binge or anything close to it. Had lots of veggies, especially artichoke yuummmmy! I gotta cook my own food though. I really am paranoid about the amount of fat used for the food cooked for the whole family. My parents doesn't really care for my struggle. No that's not true. They care but they have their own problems and food is just the bestest frend we all have. Well in theory at least. It's been a not-so-cute year. And it's safe to assume I inherited my easting habbits.

SO I decided to weigh in on Saturdays, so if I eat out over the weekend I won't freak out. I love eating out and if I go to the same few places I go all the time I'm safe. I can eat sensibly and enjoy my food. But you never know.

This week I will try to work on my portion size. No wait a sec I have this blog so I won't try this and that but I will do! So I'll practice 1)portion contol 2)savoring my food 3)eating every three hours

Good luck to me =D

Professional Procrastinator

All my life I've been afraid of failure yet didn't realize till a few weeks ago. I stopped myself from taking steps so I wouldn't fail. Always afraid to try, not taking risks when I needed to, watching others reach their goals from a distance. For a long time I thought I wasn't losing weight because of my relationship with my parents, my boyfriend, not having a girlfriend, past abuse from my childhood etc etc etc. Not I think I'm using w,my weight as an excuse to not do anything, not try. I am the fat girl. I am the girl with problems whatever they are. I just wanted people to see me as that girl I guess. But honestly I don't believe that's what they see. It's only me. I'm abusing myself because I'm too scared to fail.
This all is about to change. This time I feel geniunly honest with myself. That's why I decided to keep a blog about my weight loss journey. I am hoping to feel the responsibility of taking care of myself stronger than ever.
Tomorrow is Day#1. 283 days to 2011. We'll see how it goes.