Just Bad News and Nothing More

I've been losing it, yet it's not fat or weight or inches or anything like that. It's not going better, it's only getting worse it seems. So many things happening yet nothing really is. I keep thinking all day I should blog and write about this and that and it would feel better after I get it all out. I'm not doing that either. I'm suffocating. That is exactly how I feel. A few bloggers have been complaining about now wanting to write about the negative all the time and that feeling keeping them from writing. I feel just like them. It's only negative. Well... of course it can't be all, but it certainly feels that way.

This week I found out a cousin of mine has... this is so difficult for me. This is the very first person to have... in either side of the family. Naturally I didn't expect anyone to ever have it. Damnit. Cancer. I haven't said it out loud yet. I don't want to. She is not just-a-relative to me. We shared the same room for may be 4 years when I was about 4-8. Her family lives in another city and my mum brought her to live with us while she was studying in college. Probably helped her get into one too I just don't remember and didn't care cos those years mean something entirely different to me than studying. She is like my half sister. I possibly thought she was for a while. She has a five-years-old daughter now. And that is her biggest fear. Leaving her daughter. I just can't bare the thought. She is having surgery on Monday. Then we'll know exactly what is going on. There is a change it is more than one place. It might have spread already. Or the rest is unrelated. Will know soon. She says she is scared. I hate to hear that. I am scared too. I don't want to be. I don't want anyone to be scared. I just want it all better already. Why can't it be all better already!

My grandma is also not so good. She came back last week. It was all good until yesterday. She told mum that she thinks she is pregnant. My grandma thinks she is pregnant and it is so not funny. She thinks the baby is my father's! She told mum that she would try to poison the baby so it'll go away. Mum is freaking out. We are both worried she might hurt herself. Mum asked me not to tell anyone so I'm telling you. I don't think she should feel embarrassed but she does. You can't help it, I guess. We haven't told dad cos what the hell would he feel or do about it. So strange. Mum went to see her neurologist this morning. The doc told her that is was OK, it was just and episode and it will go away. Prescribed some pills. If they don't change something by next week we'll try a new one. I think the stress of staying with my aunt might have something to do with it. Apparently my aunt was tucking her in every night and giving her a goodnight kiss until one day grandma told her she was missing my mum and wanted to come back. After that grandma cried herself to sleep every night. Don't get me started on my aunt and her twisted family. You get the picture!

I still don't have a job. Owe major money to someone. Haven't managed to graduate yet. Don't have a job. Am not losing shit. Money is so tight I wanna just sleep through my life. I am sick of it all. I am sick of myself at the moment.

I made a schedule for the next two months. Workout. I'll write about it tomorrow. I promise. At first I meant to take a break from blogging. Like that would help anything. I should just write more often. Found some new blogs too. Who invented blogging? I love them. I admire them.

Beautiful Day

Hello Hello! Last night, finally, we saw U2! Man I think I've been waiting for this concert all my life. Been a fan for 14 years now. Before that I was a fan I just didn't know about it :) Purchased the tickets last year! Can you imagine the waiting for the actual event! It was all worth it. It was heaven. I want more. I really want more.

Boyfriend, last minute, found some extra tickets and mom, who always thinks everything is too expensive and yes we do have a financial hell right now but yeah, got to come with us! Which was perfect. She doesn't listen to much music but she enjoys big shows. Last year she came to Björk's concert with my and J and she probably had even more fun than us if it is possible. Daddy wouldn't come. He just lives in a different world than us, just the same house. Nevermind. He simply doesn't share anything with me or mom. And I guess I'm old enough to except him as he is. Whatever... I was thrilled mom could come. Boyfriend enjoyed it more than Bono himself and I still want more :)

I have a little complaining to do though. If I didn't I wouldn't be me, right? The stupid Olympic Stadium the concert was at is ridiculous! Since they built that place whoever had to go to that place been miserable. Getting out of the parking hell took us over 2 hours!!! We were home past 3 am! How do you not fix such a mess in the past, I'm not sure but possibly 5 years. Stupid stupid stupid! OK I'll admit I didn't mind it that much but my poor boyfriend had to get up at 5.30 am to get to work! Isn't it strange how we get defensive when a loved one has to just lose some sleep? I can yell at him all day then he can't get enough sleep and I wanna take revenge and cuddle my baby for a whole week :)

In the end it was a wonderful night and I wouldn't mind living it over and over again.

On my last post I answered 8 questions for Patrick has tagged me. I tagged 8 people in the end and one of them was Luke! This too-smart-for-his-own-good Luke tagged me back!! :) He is a smart one alright! So here I'm answering his questions this time.

1. What is your favorite song quote?

Gonna be lame may be but all I can think of is "You can't always get what you want, but if you try sometime you just might find, you get what you need." by the Rolling Stones

2. What is your favorite exercise or workout?
Most of what I can do is walk. But I love workout videos/DVDs. Anything Jillian Michaels is good to me.


3. Favorite place to go on vacation and activity to do?
Italy! Anywhere in Italy will do :) I like feeling free and just taking walks, sitting at a cafe, drinking my espresso, reading a book or just have a conversation. Simple.

4. Do you collect anything, if so what and how did it start?
Other than fat I guess I collect movies. I don't have a number for you but I probably have over 200 DVDs at the moment. Then there are other formats. How I started? My dad lend me his credit card :)

5. Hardest obstacle you have had to overcome in your weight loss/fitness/training goals?
My body is like an obstacle course. I got two injured knees, arrhythmia, inner ear balance problems, chronic insomnia and gastritis. I don't think I left anything out. Other than that I have no will power. I see it I eat it. And that is my biggest problem still.

6. What do you do now and if you could choose any career what would it be?
I'm still looking for a job! This question is mean :) Just kidding. One day I would like to own a cafe/book store. Run the place, make people feel good and write my own stuff along the way.

7. If you could choose and exotic animal to have as a pet what would it be?
A Puma.

8. Do you use a reward system for your goals, (formally set or not) and if so what is your favorite reward?
I do. I already have a dress (I can't fit in it yet) my boyfriend bought for me from one of my favorite shops modcloth.com. When I get under 200lbs I'm getting a water bottle! I think.


Today is the last day of Ramadan!!! Also meaning we have a 4 day-weekend!!!!!!!! Well today was a half day for people who actually have jobs. Boyfriend asked to come over to watch a movie or something. I told him to just go to bed :) He needs his sleep more than I need to see him. I need to help my mom with some cooking and cleaning for the Ramadan Holiday. A lot of visitors and visits for the religious holidays. I help today then I'm free for the next four days. Cos I'm not into crowds that much. Neither is mom but dad want it so he gets it. Grandma is suppose to come back soon. I miss her more than I thought I would. I still doubt I'll feel the same when she arrives. Go figure.

Happy Wednesday!

You've Been Tagged

Hello! I've had an interestingly busy week with family affairs. Guests from out of town (my father's aunt, her daughter and her family), another cousin of mine is having a job scare, last night she cried for hours "my daughter is just 4, how am I gonna take care of her with only my husband's income..." My father did a little asking around today and the situation may not be as bad as my cousin thought at first. And stuff like that. I was talking to mom last night and we both think bad or not so ideal things come in bulk. We will just need to get through our own hell with the finance, lack-of-jobs, and all the rest and there will be light at the end of the tunnel!

About the weekly planning... I did good last week and lost another pound :) But this week started bad. With the guests and oh very horrible eating especially on monday and tuesday. Now I'm working very hard to take it back. For example, yesterday I did The Biggest Loser Last Chance Workout and walked on the treadmill for 40 minutes! That added up to 925 calories burned in one day! I am sore obviously so only walking for today. Tomorrow I wanna have a similar workout session as yesterday. I had to rest for four days around the weekend because of my knees. But hopefully I won't have to for a while and promised myself to walk at least 45 minutes every single day. I really really really want to see a loss next monday too. Well I wanna see a loss every monday till I'm on target!

(UPDATE: Before I finished this post my mom called me and told me she wasn't gonna workout today so I could get on the treadmill right away. So I did. Walked 5.3miles (8.6km) in 90 minutes, burned 920 calories!! WOoHOo)

Oh hey I changed my blogger template! What do you think? I loved the old one but it was even more childish looking or so I thought. I love the new hot chick :) I'll call her River (as it is not my real name anyways) how smart am I :p (say "very") Love you back!

I was tagged by the magnificent Patrick! Thank you sir, you are very kind. I'm suppose to answer these 8 questions and make up new questions and tag others. Let's give it a try.

1.You can have one super power, what would it be?
Losing the weight and staying in perfect shape. Would that count as a super power? May be not. So let's think. I certainly don't wanna hear people's thought. Too scary and probably depressing for me. I'd also be very paranoid about anyone else reading my own. Do you think flying would burn a lot of calories?? That could be nice.
But honestly I would like to have the power of healing. Myself and others. Both physical and mental healing.

2.Which do you see as more important, diet or exercise?
I would say exercise. May be because overall that is the thing I need to work on most and keep at it. Diet by itself can't shape your body, build strength and don't forget endorphins!

3. If we're forced to become vegetarians by law could you do so or would you frequent the black market for meat?
No way! Don't even think about it. That would be a nightmare coming true for me! I'd sell my soul to the black market just to get a piece of turkey even! I'm a fast oxidiser and without a proper portion of protein I do not function and I need my meat to support that throughout the day.

4. Do you consider the word 'Obese' to be a proper word to define those extremely over-weight, or do you consider it to be improper if not a hateful word?
I don't mind the word obese or fat or whatever. Probably because I don't let people to use it in the "wrong" way. But I'm an intimidating woman so I know other people who have a problem with others using these words. I simply use them to state facts.

5. Do you believe that Elvis died on August 16, 1977 or was his death a conspiracy cover up?
Sorry to disappoint anyone but right this second Elvis is watching a game show in my living room. As soon as I'm done here I'll join him and may be he'll sing Heartbreak Hotel for me before bedtime. (Dare to dream people)

6. How much water do you drink a day and do you agree that water intake of 8 glasses a day or more is critical to a healthy body?
I agree cos I have seen what the lack of enough water in your body can do to you. A friend of mine used to forget to drink water cos she hated it. She fainted frequently and many other problems followed..
I drink about 12 glasses. This is an average. I drink more during summer and even more if I workout. I don't drink it to lose weight or be healthy. I drink because I get thirsty. It's been the same all my life. I'm just lucky about water.

7. Aliens have invaded earth and landed a mile from your house, do you run for the hills, do you grab a weapon & charge, or do you try and communicate with them?
First I try to find a vantage point for me and my family. Then I observe if they are hostile or not. If they are hostile I run for my life. If not I try to communicate. Of course they may hide their agenda. So I'll always be looking the exit signs. Then again does anyone has a chance if aliens invaded earth. Thank God I live in Istanbul. Aliens always invade USA :)

8. Is your current approach to getting healthy an approach you consider to be fun and can you do it for the rest of your life?
I want to do it for the rest of my life. That's why I take it a week at a time. I don't follow someone else's diet. I'm trying to learn more and try new things, get them in my favorites list somehow. It's a process and it will not end at any given point of my life.

You've been tagged:
Stefi
baygirl32
Jessica
Tammy
Whitney
Putz
Luke
Kimbo (and here)

Your questions:
1. Who is your hero? Why?
2. Do you have a garden where your grow your veggies? If not do you try to buy organic or do you find it costs way too much?
3. Do you use exercise videos? What's your favorite, why?
4. Favorite workout music?
5. How do you measure your progress? If you haven't reached your goal yet, do you own any skinny clothes you keep to remind you of your goals?
6. Do you have any secrets to keep your energy up for the workouts or your day in general?
7. I like Patrick's super power question so what would your super power be if you could have one?
8. If you had the opportunity to move to anywhere in the world, where would it be?