Losing On Purpose

I got all the excuses in the world, but hey I'm back!

2011-11-03T12:16:00.001Z

It's been that long since I've last posted anything here, but I got excuses, which I'll come back later. I hated being away, didn't know how to come back and it's a little sad to me, but I'm here and I've got news if anyone is still listening.

Since my last update;

I got a job.
I got married.
Adopted a kitten.

and here, me and my husband on our honeymoon:

How about that! Yup, that's Trevi Fountain in Rome. We spent 11 days in Italy and what a wonderful time that was. I had my worries about having to be with someone 24/7. But we've been friends for so long, it comes naturally. We're not people who feel they have to do everything together and I guess that helps a lot. It's been seven weeks already!! :)) Thinking we waited over seven years to get married, it was worth the wait. Can you believe I got cold feet after seven whole years? I kept thinking "Are you sure? You can quit anytime" the last two weeks before the wedding, which was on September 18th. I bet he did too :) He just won't admit. So stubborn just like me.

Too soon for a baby lol. So very soon indeed. If anyone can remember, I had a dog. I still do, but she lives with my parents now. Because she needs a home where there are people around her a the time. She is not used to being alone at all. Now that I'm working too, for the last 9 months, it wasn't gonna be fair to leave her in the apartment all day long. I still live on the same street as my parents, so my doggy gets to visit over the weekends. Although we miss her too much, so she can drop in anytime she wishes :)) Like last night. Hubby really wanted to see her, so brought her over for a pj party. But this sunday, we adopted a kitten!! A very very naughty one! I hope she grows out of it, because she is really a piece of work. Still of course we love her and no way would leave her, anyhow I really hope she'll come down sometime. She, just like my doggy, is a rescue and about 10 weeks old. Still haven't named her though. For some reason nothing matched her. But here she is:

How little is that creature??!!! She spends most her time making me crazy, scratching or biting my hands, legs, face or damaging something!! I'm so annoyed and pissed that it was my idea and I basically forced my husband to let her in. I don't regret it. Not just yet. Especially when she gets tired and crawls around my neck, kisses my face and slowly drifts into sleep purring the whole time... It's heaven. And I fall in love with her each time. How can I not! Husband loved her by the way. He spends even less time at home than I do, so get to face most of the painful and annoying stuff. It's been less than a week yet though. And I've been sleep deprived since friday night. So hopefully next week will be better. And it will only get better, right? I know it will.

I have less time for my blog now obviously. I get home at around 7.30 on regular days. But sometimes later... and I'm always so tired. Damn... When will we hit the jackpot, so I can switch to a part-time job or something. I still read your blogs. Well.. I admit not all, but although I don't comment I do read. And I want to post something every other day at the least. I'm actually stealing from work time right now, which I don't mind as long as I'm not caught :))

Gotta make some changes around here as well..

love u
xoxo

Oh Whatever...

2010-11-02T13:08:00.000Z

Last week, I guess, I challenged myself to be 202lbs or less by yesterday. OK I'm not there yet. But I've lost 1.5 lbs anyhow! I'm liking this minuses how much ever they are. That doesn't mean I'm gonna chicken out to challenge myself again. By next monday I'm gonna lose 2 lbs or more! I dare you to lose more! (CBS cares)

I'm dead broke. Yet I keep seeing this cute blond who happens to be John McCains daughter for some mystical reason, and I don't want Meghan to be my role model as I'm not a young republican (duh!) still I wanna read her book. That story of her being asked to hire a image consultant, well forced to more like, when a pregnant teenager was around is selling me the book big time. And she had to pay for that consultant! Hellooo!! She was the better daughter for the campaign. Apparently though she "looked like a stripper, talked like a valley girl" (her words) geezzz! I think she is adorable. At least from this distance. And I would like to support her if only for her still being a blond! You go girl!

The weekend was nice but didn't make it to the islands. We were too much in need of some serious catching up with sleep we wouldn't be able to get up at a reasonable hour so we postponed obviously. We had a surprise on friday! We were coming home around 9pm when my cell rang. It was Ivy. She asked what I was doing and I said I'm just going back home when she screamed "don't". She was in Istanbul, just 10 minutes away from me!! Awww I was ecstatic!! We spent the night together. (don't get any ideas now) I needed that so much! I kept thinking I'm imagining this :D Then I was imagining why does she have to live in Ankara when this is the most beautiful city on earth! I didn't see her again (she left on sunday morning) because she was here with her family to try to sort out what's going on with her sister who may or may not get divorced soon. Very complicated situation they are in. Hope things will turn up for the better.

Ivy promised to come back soon or if I can figure out how I might go visit her, which I might also be preferring, not sure.

Skinny Taste is becoming my favorite website ♥ You can find the perfect recipe for any occasion and any kinda craving! I prepared my first chicken stock yesterday to cook cauliflower soup! Huh! Mum is enjoying me not getting out of the kitchen the most :) I do alter the recipes to our own tastes and habits. Becoming more confident every day. I'm loving this. This past week I cooked half of what we had for the family and I wish I could get paid for this. wink wink. If anyone else is looking for a great Minestrone recipe go here. You'll thank me.

xoxo

Cooking, Baking, Drinking

2010-10-28T22:42:00.001+01:00

You will not believe this but I have been in the right mind set for the past two days! Two whole days! Especially today, I ate all the right things all the right times. Yesterday I started the day by baking! My first real baking (I made a few cookies before) and here is what I did. You should all try it. So yummy! And still in the line to be a snack! I couldn't get myself to use sugar, so substituted with Splenda. That made the scones low fat and low sugar! Fabulous! I couldn't believe the texture was right and I didn't mess it up. The baked scones looked exactly like the photo on Skinny Taste. Hah that's my thing. I get confidence from the photos. If what I did looks like the real deal then I am proud :)

Today I cooked Minestrone! Again from SinnyTaste.com. I had to substitute lentils instead of beans. Cos we don't use canned beans and I would have to let the beans rest in water overnight (or simply six hours but hell that's overnight to me) and I really wanted to cook something healthy for dinner. It is fat-free. Well OK low-fat in reality cos there is fat in the pasta but other than that no no no no fat! And it tastes great! One big bowl fills you up and leaves you satisfied! Satisfaction is a big deal for me!

The minestrone is packed with veggies. I also had celery for lunch. Had an apple, a pear and a banana with yogurt for snacks. Well my body isn't used to so much fruit and veggies!! Haha I'm so sleepy yet I have extra energy and I feel lighter than I normally do at night. Hah! That's a good diet for ya!

Mum is totally on board. We prepared (OK I did) an apple tea in the morning with lots of herbs and lemons and cinnamon and honey. Been drinking that all day in between meals. Helped a lot with my appetite. I'm already drinking something so I'm too busy to wanna eat a chocolate cake?! That kinda deal is going on. Tomorrow I'll be eating out at least one meal. But I'm gonna take a bottle of tea with me. Also an apple may be.

I'm resting my knee today although I did go shopping out, not around the corner but picked a further market. In the middle of a rain shower. That was fun. My right knee is scaring me. I'm giving up on trying to get along with an other doctor who my insurance pays for. Cos the last idiot I went to see didn't find any problems, gave me pills that gave me violent vertigo! I'm NOT going back. I'm gonna try to see my old doc this week if my father can take me. Cos I can't afford to pay if he asks for any tests or whatever without daddy's credit card. Yeah that's the honest truth right there.

My weekend begins tomorrow!! WooHoo Have a great one xx

Oh Food Glows Too

2010-10-26T00:02:00.000+01:00

It's 1.30 am and I don't wanna go to sleep cos I feel so hungry! It's been like this for a couple of weeks. I get hunger "attacks" at night. I know I should have been asleep already! But guess what I did? I decided to READ about food. Where to go? Oh She Glows... Oh she glows alright. She is glowing my tummy right now. I guess I wanted to just get an idea for what I can cook for tomorrow. Of course I knew I would feel even more hungry and restless. I simply love food too much at the moment. I'm also so very sleepy.

Yeah whatever.. I found this beautiful lentil and bean casserole dish (here) and it is so easy to make, it's perfect! I love lentils. I can smell the dish already. Divine!

I loved this weekend! We did nothing special. But I just loved it! Strange how sometimes we just don't really feel much for our partners or people around us and the next day we are so in love the world seems to be dipped in yellow (my happy color). This week is one of those. I'm in love ♥ I can't get enough of my boyfriend. And this is the right week for it cos friday is a national holiday!! Right on time! If the weather is as good as it was this week we will have a wonderful 3-day weekend. I don't wanna jinx it. But I've been wanting to go to the islands (Istanbul have lovely islands with no traffic, only nature, beautiful people, nice houses, cute restaurants and some tourist shopping) I really hope we can go on saturday may be. Eat some good food and enjoy the fresh air. I want it as much as I want to eat right now.

I almost forgot the scale. I weighed in @ 204.5lbs today. Again. I'll be 202 lbs or less next week. Because I said so.

Mondays such even when you don't have a job cos that's the day I feel that I don't have a job the most.

I'm off to bed. Finally. Goodnight lovers.

How Dare You :)

2010-10-19T21:03:00.000+01:00

Awww Stewie I feel your pain sweetheart! Only I don't have any ice cream in the house at the moment which is good news. For the ice cream. Me too. I am very into comfort eating today. Although it's like a hobby I haven't started yet. I'm saying so far so good. My worry is I'm done with my list today and what if I don't get sleepy soon :) It's a whole big mystery. Holly dolly now blogger informs me that imagine uploads will be disabled for two hours! Geezzz! Oh hold on silly me. It says tomorrow. Nevermind. So ha ha I uploaded my dinner to make sure. Such a paranoid yet so lovely, aren't I! (I'm in a good mood cos I'm just fed) Lots of spinach with low-fat cheese and nonfat milk mix with more seasoning and chicken breast.

I tried to go on the treadmill today after a week of no workouts cos my knee has been bad again! This time I can't even see my own doctor cos my insurance doesn't cover that hospital anymore!! This other a.hole didn't even see anything wrong with the knee. Gave me some pills said to come back in two weeks. I've been taking the pills for a week now. He also told me I could go on the treadmill, wasn't a problem. Yet 20 minutes of slowish walk I got scared my knee was giving me the finger! So whatever. I'm not gonna freak out before the 2 weeks period.

Before the knee thing I'd been doing the Physique 57 when I was away from the blog. I love that video. I can't wait to go back to it. If and when I go back I'll talk about it more. But for now I'm forcing mum to do it.

So it seems I have a new award. It just seems like that though. No truth in it. Yeah Yeah you wish! Amanda from AJ's WLJ gave it to me. Here is the proof. Considering this girl already lost 30 lbs!! I'm pretty flattered :) Thank you Amanda ♥

Let's hear the rules:
1. Thank the person who gave me the award. (oh yeah!)
2. Share seven things about myself.
3. Nominate 15 newly discovered blogs. (not to sound so annoying that's a huge number)
4. Let my nominees know about their award.

The seven things...
1- I have no respect or patience for people who wear fur.
2- I'm claustrophobic! Not so bad but it gets freaky at times I guess.
3- If I didn't have to find a job and had the money I'd open up a book store/ cafe... live happily ever after.
4- I'm a sucker for crime shows.
5- I am against war. I've been to a lot of protests when I was studying in California about the Iraq War and I don't even believe in any kind of violence as punishment. Yet I get teary eyed whenever I hear a story happy or sad about any soldier or US troops in general (well the whole world actually but that's not the subject here) cos I believe those men and women are doing what they do because they believe in something. I do think they have the best intentions at heart and will never understand (hoping not to understand really) why war protesters or whoever feel the need to attack these brave people for any reason at any time. I also can't help but have 100% respect for any person who would risk their own lives to protect any other. Does that make sense what I'm saying or did I just completely butchered this paragraph? Well I think you will understand me.
6- I said I don't believe in violence as punishment but I do believe in violence. I would like to hurt every single homophobe very brutally. That is that.
7- Sometimes I become one of those people who doesn't even try. Fear of failure. So strong.

I'm nominating 5 blogs for now and I didn't cheat. I'm new to all these blogs and they are blogs you should check out :)
Heather @ Fun, Fit and Fabulicious
Jeff @ LIFE Can Be Funny (Sometimes)
He Took My Last Name
Teale @ Teale's Meals
Dre @ Drastically Decreasing Downsizing Dre

THIS IS AN OFFICIAL COMEBACK!

2010-10-18T14:23:00.000+01:00

It's been a month since I posted!! That is such a long time. But first I wanna say thank you for all your support ♥ It is unbelievable how important it can be the support of people I haven't even met face to face :) You guys rock! Especially Patrick! Here is what he told me:
An elephant was drinking out of a river one day, when he spotted a turtle asleep on a log. So, he ambled on over and kicked it clear across the river.
"What did you do that for?" Asked a passing giraffe.
"Because I recognized it as the same turtle that took a nip out of my trunk 53 years ago."
"Wow, what a memory" commented the giraffe.
"Yes," said the elephant, "turtle recall".

Patrick, I have no words LOL I am that elephant though. Not in the size but the mind. I have no practical memory but I don't forget stupid stuff like that. I always wait for the moment I will have my kick! Painful it sounds. So I'm working on moving on. I have some success with this actually. Some anger, frustration, ugliness I had been dragging on for over 12 years... I recently finally let go. But that's not the subject here really :) Not today. I just wanted to say I'm trying and I'll get there some day. See the turtle and not kick, cos that kick hurts me more. Yeah for growing up a little.

Should I give you an update? My grandma got worse before it got, just a little, better. (Just to remind you, she thought she was pregnant from my father and wanted to kill the baby) Her doctors' have been great. One of them had the exact same problem with her mother!! So doctor told us all about how these things go and everything she said was right on. Like grandma was always obsessed about her stuff, constantly counting her underwear, shoes, batteries... and claim something was stolen everyday. Doctor says usually the sexual freak-outs come next. Her mother actually thought she got raped by her own son! I can't imagine how scary that must have been. Thankfully my grandma didn't have that kinda thinking. She just thought she was pregnant. Now she KNOWS she isn't!!!! YAY a little success. She is somehow uncomfortable with dad though. And he is now all nervous to come home. Although this whole thing seems like fading away slowly. May be next month things could go back to normal.

Oh my cousin! She had the operation and the cancer has been officially removed and there is no spread! The rest of her tests came back clean. On top of that she won't need a very difficult treatment. She will be good as new in a few months.

My funny little dog has been sick. She is old and it is time to except that. I had been missing a lot of sleep getting up in the middle of the night to fight her trying to make her swallow the medicine. She also quit eating for about a week! Our sweet vet told me it was normal. It took dogs time to recover and have their appetite back. Then she asked me wouldn't I feel the same way. I couldn't stop laughing! I finish my last bite and start imagining the next meal! How can I ever understand such a concept! :) My doggy is doing much better and she is eating just like her mama :D At least she wants to.

I have been eating a little dangerously this week. I am not sure but I might be on my period. Yes I don't know when I have a period. Cos I don't have physical evidence most of the time. My IUD pretend stopped my periods. I just don't always "see" anything. So sometimes I just am not sure if I'm right at that time. Because I had this thing for 4 years (ouch it has to come out next year and a new one comes and ouch ouch OUCH) let's be frank who can keep track of something they can't see for 4 years. Why the hell am I writing all this?? Oh right! I had an appetite overload this week. Now I'm trying to get back on track. Just started today so these first two days are not easy for me. Gotta make sure I'm not gonna chicken out, running away from the scale next monday!

I have been cooking a little. For me and the family. One thing I wanna tell you, I poached an egg today!!! Not 100% perfect but almost! :) Watching others do it on tv or internet I seriously doubted I could do it. By the way I'm not sure if no one makes it around here but my parents have no concept of poached eggs. I'm sure I had them in elementary school or at someone else's home, but yeah apparently it's not a popular concept and I personally have no idea why.

Now I gotta go get ready. I'm taking mum to see Avatar. Gonna be her first 3D! It was time she saw the movie too. I love re-releases! Have a great week ♥

P.S. I also got a blog award from Amanda. Check out her blog here. I'll post about the award tomorrow. Thanks! xo

Just Bad News and Nothing More

2010-09-21T21:44:00.000+01:00

I've been losing it, yet it's not fat or weight or inches or anything like that. It's not going better, it's only getting worse it seems. So many things happening yet nothing really is. I keep thinking all day I should blog and write about this and that and it would feel better after I get it all out. I'm not doing that either. I'm suffocating. That is exactly how I feel. A few bloggers have been complaining about now wanting to write about the negative all the time and that feeling keeping them from writing. I feel just like them. It's only negative. Well... of course it can't be all, but it certainly feels that way.

This week I found out a cousin of mine has... this is so difficult for me. This is the very first person to have... in either side of the family. Naturally I didn't expect anyone to ever have it. Damnit. Cancer. I haven't said it out loud yet. I don't want to. She is not just-a-relative to me. We shared the same room for may be 4 years when I was about 4-8. Her family lives in another city and my mum brought her to live with us while she was studying in college. Probably helped her get into one too I just don't remember and didn't care cos those years mean something entirely different to me than studying. She is like my half sister. I possibly thought she was for a while. She has a five-years-old daughter now. And that is her biggest fear. Leaving her daughter. I just can't bare the thought. She is having surgery on Monday. Then we'll know exactly what is going on. There is a change it is more than one place. It might have spread already. Or the rest is unrelated. Will know soon. She says she is scared. I hate to hear that. I am scared too. I don't want to be. I don't want anyone to be scared. I just want it all better already. Why can't it be all better already!

My grandma is also not so good. She came back last week. It was all good until yesterday. She told mum that she thinks she is pregnant. My grandma thinks she is pregnant and it is so not funny. She thinks the baby is my father's! She told mum that she would try to poison the baby so it'll go away. Mum is freaking out. We are both worried she might hurt herself. Mum asked me not to tell anyone so I'm telling you. I don't think she should feel embarrassed but she does. You can't help it, I guess. We haven't told dad cos what the hell would he feel or do about it. So strange. Mum went to see her neurologist this morning. The doc told her that is was OK, it was just and episode and it will go away. Prescribed some pills. If they don't change something by next week we'll try a new one. I think the stress of staying with my aunt might have something to do with it. Apparently my aunt was tucking her in every night and giving her a goodnight kiss until one day grandma told her she was missing my mum and wanted to come back. After that grandma cried herself to sleep every night. Don't get me started on my aunt and her twisted family. You get the picture!

I still don't have a job. Owe major money to someone. Haven't managed to graduate yet. Don't have a job. Am not losing shit. Money is so tight I wanna just sleep through my life. I am sick of it all. I am sick of myself at the moment.

I made a schedule for the next two months. Workout. I'll write about it tomorrow. I promise. At first I meant to take a break from blogging. Like that would help anything. I should just write more often. Found some new blogs too. Who invented blogging? I love them. I admire them.

Beautiful Day

2010-09-08T14:14:00.001+01:00

Hello Hello! Last night, finally, we saw U2! Man I think I've been waiting for this concert all my life. Been a fan for 14 years now. Before that I was a fan I just didn't know about it :) Purchased the tickets last year! Can you imagine the waiting for the actual event! It was all worth it. It was heaven. I want more. I really want more.

Boyfriend, last minute, found some extra tickets and mom, who always thinks everything is too expensive and yes we do have a financial hell right now but yeah, got to come with us! Which was perfect. She doesn't listen to much music but she enjoys big shows. Last year she came to Björk's concert with my and J and she probably had even more fun than us if it is possible. Daddy wouldn't come. He just lives in a different world than us, just the same house. Nevermind. He simply doesn't share anything with me or mom. And I guess I'm old enough to except him as he is. Whatever... I was thrilled mom could come. Boyfriend enjoyed it more than Bono himself and I still want more :)

I have a little complaining to do though. If I didn't I wouldn't be me, right? The stupid Olympic Stadium the concert was at is ridiculous! Since they built that place whoever had to go to that place been miserable. Getting out of the parking hell took us over 2 hours!!! We were home past 3 am! How do you not fix such a mess in the past, I'm not sure but possibly 5 years. Stupid stupid stupid! OK I'll admit I didn't mind it that much but my poor boyfriend had to get up at 5.30 am to get to work! Isn't it strange how we get defensive when a loved one has to just lose some sleep? I can yell at him all day then he can't get enough sleep and I wanna take revenge and cuddle my baby for a whole week :)

In the end it was a wonderful night and I wouldn't mind living it over and over again.

On my last post I answered 8 questions for Patrick has tagged me. I tagged 8 people in the end and one of them was Luke! This too-smart-for-his-own-good Luke tagged me back!! :) He is a smart one alright! So here I'm answering his questions this time.

1. What is your favorite song quote?

Gonna be lame may be but all I can think of is "You can't always get what you want, but if you try sometime you just might find, you get what you need." by the Rolling Stones

2. What is your favorite exercise or workout?
Most of what I can do is walk. But I love workout videos/DVDs. Anything Jillian Michaels is good to me.

3. Favorite place to go on vacation and activity to do?
Italy! Anywhere in Italy will do :) I like feeling free and just taking walks, sitting at a cafe, drinking my espresso, reading a book or just have a conversation. Simple.

4. Do you collect anything, if so what and how did it start?
Other than fat I guess I collect movies. I don't have a number for you but I probably have over 200 DVDs at the moment. Then there are other formats. How I started? My dad lend me his credit card :)

5. Hardest obstacle you have had to overcome in your weight loss/fitness/training goals?
My body is like an obstacle course. I got two injured knees, arrhythmia, inner ear balance problems, chronic insomnia and gastritis. I don't think I left anything out. Other than that I have no will power. I see it I eat it. And that is my biggest problem still.

6. What do you do now and if you could choose any career what would it be?
I'm still looking for a job! This question is mean :) Just kidding. One day I would like to own a cafe/book store. Run the place, make people feel good and write my own stuff along the way.

7. If you could choose and exotic animal to have as a pet what would it be?
A Puma.

8. Do you use a reward system for your goals, (formally set or not) and if so what is your favorite reward?
I do. I already have a dress (I can't fit in it yet) my boyfriend bought for me from one of my favorite shops modcloth.com. When I get under 200lbs I'm getting a water bottle! I think.

Today is the last day of Ramadan!!! Also meaning we have a 4 day-weekend!!!!!!!! Well today was a half day for people who actually have jobs. Boyfriend asked to come over to watch a movie or something. I told him to just go to bed :) He needs his sleep more than I need to see him. I need to help my mom with some cooking and cleaning for the Ramadan Holiday. A lot of visitors and visits for the religious holidays. I help today then I'm free for the next four days. Cos I'm not into crowds that much. Neither is mom but dad want it so he gets it. Grandma is suppose to come back soon. I miss her more than I thought I would. I still doubt I'll feel the same when she arrives. Go figure.

Happy Wednesday!

You've Been Tagged

2010-09-02T21:30:00.002+01:00

Hello! I've had an interestingly busy week with family affairs. Guests from out of town (my father's aunt, her daughter and her family), another cousin of mine is having a job scare, last night she cried for hours "my daughter is just 4, how am I gonna take care of her with only my husband's income..." My father did a little asking around today and the situation may not be as bad as my cousin thought at first. And stuff like that. I was talking to mom last night and we both think bad or not so ideal things come in bulk. We will just need to get through our own hell with the finance, lack-of-jobs, and all the rest and there will be light at the end of the tunnel!

About the weekly planning... I did good last week and lost another pound :) But this week started bad. With the guests and oh very horrible eating especially on monday and tuesday. Now I'm working very hard to take it back. For example, yesterday I did The Biggest Loser Last Chance Workout and walked on the treadmill for 40 minutes! That added up to 925 calories burned in one day! I am sore obviously so only walking for today. Tomorrow I wanna have a similar workout session as yesterday. I had to rest for four days around the weekend because of my knees. But hopefully I won't have to for a while and promised myself to walk at least 45 minutes every single day. I really really really want to see a loss next monday too. Well I wanna see a loss every monday till I'm on target!

(UPDATE: Before I finished this post my mom called me and told me she wasn't gonna workout today so I could get on the treadmill right away. So I did. Walked 5.3miles (8.6km) in 90 minutes, burned 920 calories!! WOoHOo)

Oh hey I changed my blogger template! What do you think? I loved the old one but it was even more childish looking or so I thought. I love the new hot chick :) I'll call her River (as it is not my real name anyways) how smart am I :p (say "very") Love you back!

I was tagged by the magnificent Patrick! Thank you sir, you are very kind. I'm suppose to answer these 8 questions and make up new questions and tag others. Let's give it a try.

1.You can have one super power, what would it be?
Losing the weight and staying in perfect shape. Would that count as a super power? May be not. So let's think. I certainly don't wanna hear people's thought. Too scary and probably depressing for me. I'd also be very paranoid about anyone else reading my own. Do you think flying would burn a lot of calories?? That could be nice.
But honestly I would like to have the power of healing. Myself and others. Both physical and mental healing.

2.Which do you see as more important, diet or exercise?
I would say exercise. May be because overall that is the thing I need to work on most and keep at it. Diet by itself can't shape your body, build strength and don't forget endorphins!

3. If we're forced to become vegetarians by law could you do so or would you frequent the black market for meat?
No way! Don't even think about it. That would be a nightmare coming true for me! I'd sell my soul to the black market just to get a piece of turkey even! I'm a fast oxidiser and without a proper portion of protein I do not function and I need my meat to support that throughout the day.

4. Do you consider the word 'Obese' to be a proper word to define those extremely over-weight, or do you consider it to be improper if not a hateful word?
I don't mind the word obese or fat or whatever. Probably because I don't let people to use it in the "wrong" way. But I'm an intimidating woman so I know other people who have a problem with others using these words. I simply use them to state facts.

5. Do you believe that Elvis died on August 16, 1977 or was his death a conspiracy cover up?
Sorry to disappoint anyone but right this second Elvis is watching a game show in my living room. As soon as I'm done here I'll join him and may be he'll sing Heartbreak Hotel for me before bedtime. (Dare to dream people)

6. How much water do you drink a day and do you agree that water intake of 8 glasses a day or more is critical to a healthy body?
I agree cos I have seen what the lack of enough water in your body can do to you. A friend of mine used to forget to drink water cos she hated it. She fainted frequently and many other problems followed..
I drink about 12 glasses. This is an average. I drink more during summer and even more if I workout. I don't drink it to lose weight or be healthy. I drink because I get thirsty. It's been the same all my life. I'm just lucky about water.

7. Aliens have invaded earth and landed a mile from your house, do you run for the hills, do you grab a weapon & charge, or do you try and communicate with them?
First I try to find a vantage point for me and my family. Then I observe if they are hostile or not. If they are hostile I run for my life. If not I try to communicate. Of course they may hide their agenda. So I'll always be looking the exit signs. Then again does anyone has a chance if aliens invaded earth. Thank God I live in Istanbul. Aliens always invade USA :)

8. Is your current approach to getting healthy an approach you consider to be fun and can you do it for the rest of your life?
I want to do it for the rest of my life. That's why I take it a week at a time. I don't follow someone else's diet. I'm trying to learn more and try new things, get them in my favorites list somehow. It's a process and it will not end at any given point of my life.

You've been tagged:
Stefi
baygirl32
Jessica
Tammy
Whitney
Putz
Luke
Kimbo (and here)

Your questions:
1. Who is your hero? Why?
2. Do you have a garden where your grow your veggies? If not do you try to buy organic or do you find it costs way too much?
3. Do you use exercise videos? What's your favorite, why?
4. Favorite workout music?
5. How do you measure your progress? If you haven't reached your goal yet, do you own any skinny clothes you keep to remind you of your goals?
6. Do you have any secrets to keep your energy up for the workouts or your day in general?
7. I like Patrick's super power question so what would your super power be if you could have one?
8. If you had the opportunity to move to anywhere in the world, where would it be?

Aphrodite

2010-08-25T12:47:00.000+01:00

This is my new favorite workout cd :) I love Kylie and there are at least 4 songs in this album I just can't get enough of and make me wanna go harder, faster, stronger! ♥ If you're also constantly looking for new songs I recommend Get Outta My Way, Aphrodite, Cupid Boy and Can't Beat the Feeling.

As promised I made out a plan for the whole week. Food and exercise. The exercise part is going fine, I'm all sore! I missed that feeling. I'd been avoiding strenght training most of the summer. No more avoiding. The food part is fine too really. But I've been eating about +100-120 calories on top of my plan. It's not that big of a deal. Although I'm not getting a reward this week I decided. If I am good next week I'm getting a hair cut. I need it, yet I can't seem to get my wallet agree with me. So as a reward wallet won't hold a chance to argue.

By the way I have no weight change to report. I wrote a post about this on monday and forgot to push the "Publish Post" button and now it sounded so irrelevant that I skipped on it. I wanna try not to torture myself every day, still can't help it. I can't change my stress status for now. Well I can try little things to help I know, I do I guess. But I need to fix my sleeping schedule once again. I'm trying to pull it back half an hour every night. With this rate I'll fix it in six months. Just kidding. I need a solid week though.

I'm going out to dinner with my boyfriend and his sister tonight. During Ramadan we have a lot of these dinners. Hard to be a good girl, but let me tell you I've done so much better than previous years. I'm gonna give you an example of these dinners tomorrow. I gotta go workout now =) Have a greak wednesday!

Old

2010-08-20T13:11:00.000+01:00

They say "the heat" is going away in 10 days!! Excellent news but it's the middle of August. How much better can it really get??! Hopefully a lot... I'm just not gonna get my hopes up yet. My last post was mostly about the heat and I got some wonderful comments so thank you all. I'm in the process of "sucking it up" and I gotta push myself a little more. All I can manage is an hour long walk right now. Or 75 minutes tops! :D

I want to plan my whole week and stick to eating and exercising for 7 days. Then may be reward myself :) Since I wanna do this more than once, the reward must be something little but will make me look forward to the end of the challenge. May be a book or a skin product? Something to make me feel good but not really nonsense, I wanna be able to use the reward not wear it a couple of times and forget like a necklace.

I've been bored a little lately. Need to try new recipes. My confidence in kitchen isn't really all that high yet. When I see a recipe I think I'd love, I think to myself no way I'm pulling this off. Ridiculous, right? I'm old enough to know not to give up at first try! Duh!

My habits keep changing slowly. My favorites, dislikes... For example, did you know I did not like pears a bit all my life. I didn't like the taste, texture, nothing. Two weeks ago I really really wanted fruit and all my options were watermelon and pears. Well.. it was the middle of the night so I had to try pear because I didn't wanna have to get up every hour to get all the juice watermelon would provide out of my system all night long.

The pear... was heavenly. Just like the cabbage soup I just had. No way you could make eat cabbage a year ago. Now when I go crazy I can't even binge properly. :D I get frustrated with too much sugar or fat. Not that I'm losing weight any faster and it's been real slow, true. But I think I need to let go of the old girl and embrace what's changing in me and my life. Because a lot is going on and I've been acting like a scared little girl. It is time except my new responsibilities and get on with the process already. Losing weight is a big part of it. It is a big big change that effects a huge part of my life. It is there every day, with every bite I eat, every choice I make, every time I put on my walking shoes...

Since my birthday, and I never cared for birthdays, I've been feeling like it's gonna be OK. Everything will be just fine soon. I will find the balance again.

The Heat

2010-08-12T19:06:00.000+01:00

How do you deal with the heat and working out? It is burning hot and I don't have a gym membership or access to a pool. The treadmill isn't in my room, which is the only room with an AC. I walked an hour on the treadmill yesterday and it was the longest 60 minutes!! So I'm serious, how do you deal with this? or do you even have such a problem?

Diet has been going fine last 10 days and I don't feel like going nuts, binging etc yet. My mother is struggling a little. But she is walking everyday, not complaining about the heat as much as I do. She is really trying. I'm really trying. The heat is just not a friend right now. We can't just go out to get some fresh air as there is none due to the endless humidity. It gets boring!

One of our teachers wanted to take Ivy and me out today to celebrate our birthday. I was excited about it last night. Then the sun came up and I couldn't get out of it fast enough! Ivy felt the same way. So we all agreed to meet next time Ivy is in town.

I've been stressing about very silly stuff lately. Somehow I can't shake this weird feeling. Everything makes me feel frustrated, down, stressed. I feel like I'm a failure as long as I'm not done with school work, don't have a job, not lose weight.... The diet might be going fine but something in me is just not doing so good. I gotta find out what needs fixing so I can move on with my life and fix the rest without drowning in my own mess.

Happy Birthday to ME!

2010-08-09T21:47:00.001+01:00

I've got a feeling this year will be awesome!! :) I woke to have lost 1 lbs! Even my scale is being nice to me. Imagine all the possibilities!!! I'm officially celebrating tomorrow with a bunch of girlfriends and Ivy (her birthday is wednesday). 4 years of friendship and finally we're celebrating together :D

People I feel good! Wish you all feel as good too ♥

Coming Up

2010-08-05T16:57:00.000+01:00

Yeah I got more dogs today. Across the street from my aunts house a neighbor gave birth to 6 lovely puppies. My cousin is holding 2 little girls and she kept praying she wouldn't drop them. Ha ha! Love is a battlefield, aint it!

These smart ladies have the most gorgeous eyes I've seen on a dog. And look how smart the right one is, covering her sister's vahvahs with a quick move :)

But I was in love with their brother. For some reason this guy stole my heart the moment I laid my eyes on him. Summer love...

Monday is my BIRTHDAY!!! Aww I'm 26! The last five years or so I really didn't want to get any older. Yet it keeps happening every year. My mum always wanted to stay 30. I don't understand it. I wanna be 16 or 20 at most. Well... if it were really possible I think I could settle for 23 also. It's all about the plans really. I meant to be a lot slimmer by my birthday and of course I'm too late for that. I'm gonna have to except the fact I only lost 27 lbs all year. But I'm 27 lbs lighter! Yay! I guess.. I have new deadlines about my weight. Cos I don't wanna wear a wedding dress with my size! No offense to anyone but I would die!

My mama is in 100% diet mode. She got new tests done about her heart,etc and every problem she has can be connected to her weight and cigarettes she smoked for 30 years (she quit about 2 months ago btw). I hope this will encourage me more and may be even my father. He seriously needs to lose a lot. His blood sugar keeps jumping up and down yet he can't put his ice cream down. Fingers crossed.

One little issue. Ramadan beings on wednesday! I don't fast. But my dad and boyfriend do. And at Ramadan food gets crazier. Special breads and bacon all over. There is cream and more butter, desert for every single dinner.... an endless feast. We'll be eating out every weekend (we already do but Ramadan is just different) which will be difficult for me to control myself. Then again may be this is the perfect timing for Ramadan because I need to learn self control already. Don't you think? I'm beginning to feel like a soldier :) That must be a good thing cos I'm fighting and I shall win!

The week is almost over!! =) Have a superb thursday!

Honey I'm Home :)

2010-08-04T17:51:00.000+01:00

I'm back!! It's sooo good to be home. I bet you don't even remember me anymore! Been so long :D I was visiting my aunts and cousins out of town with my family. The first day we got there we wanted to come back!! It's so not our thing to be "guests" at someone else's home. Especially if that someone else is a very bad-tempered, annoying, out of this world witch. Well.. my aunt and uncle aren't exactly lovely people. As much as I love them, it was stressful being there. Even my father agrees and that's saying something. Besides all my complains it wasn't actually horrible obviously. A while back I wrote about a cousin of mine getting divorced. Well she is their daughter and things aren't exactly going well with the custody issues which makes everyone on edge. Painful and long period before all the people involved settle into their new lives. etc. etc. etc.

Well the woman got divorced and can't see her own daughter but! about a month ago she wakes up in the middle of the night because of a annoying noise coming from outside. She gets up to find out what's crying out on the street and what's their problem. She opens the house door and there right beside it sits a tiny little thing sent by an angel asking for help.

This little monster is who I'm talking about. Oh yeah she is a monster!!! A damn cute one of course :) She is 2 months old now and bites anything and everything she comes across including various body parts and some ruined items of clothing of mine. I am so in love with this little girl I almost cried saying goodbye. But I decided my aunt and uncle would be offended if I cried because of a dog and not them! My cousin named her Balım "My Honey" and come on if she doesn't deserve such a name who does?!

My own baby girl (who is 12 years old/awww she is getting old) isn't really a playful, active dog and we love her even more for it, being all lazy and all. But living with a puppy for three weeks was amazing. I took her running, playing catch and whatever she wanted and it was such a great time. Made me think about all the years I didn't get to spend with my Snow White. I just hope she is happy with us because our lives are that much better since we met her ♥

So I said we wanted to leave as soon as we got there. So did Snow White :) She really can't stand other dogs! We didn't have any jealousy problems but boy was she not happy! Also she didn't enjoy her schedule all messed up. We had to get up early everyday being guests at someone else's house. So did she. Well when 8 people are awake and running around she can't really keep sleeping like she does in our home. Here she gets up around 11 am and goes for a walk about noon. There she was forced to pee at 9 am so she wouldn't do any business inside. It was torture for all parties. I love that she is very much like me :)

She ran out of the house while we were trying to get all the luggage in the truck and settled in the backseat. A backseat she can't climb by herself I might add because it's an SUV and she is a very little girl. She did me proud with that performance. Really proud. This is her sleeping in her bed in the car with my legs in the shadows :)

I have so much to say yet I've been talking about dogs and I'm not even done about the dogs LOL I'll leave the rest for tomorrow. Let me give you a quick summary.
It is about 90 degrees everyday here!!! We are slowly melting in a bad way!
J is on her way back from New Jersey right about now!!
Ivy will be in Istanbul on Monday.
My mom is full on diet mode!!! YAY!
I did not gain any weight on the vacation.
It looks like I'm getting married in May. (trying not to panic!!!!)

Love,
River

Random

2010-07-09T15:33:00.001+01:00

I do not like any kinda berry pancakes
I don't wanna leave comments (I also know people who don't leave comments because of this) when I see the "your comment will be visible after approval" line on top of the page. It's just annoying
After 25 years I finally like fruit :)
And I don't hate veggies
I feel safer because I'm fat
That's gotta change cos if everything goes well I'm getting married before June2011
Ouch
I gotta move!
Ivy is here by the way
She'll be staying till wednesday
J already wants to come back home :D
Any Grace Jones fans out there?
I've gone crazy. We're seeing Grace Jones next friday night
It's not the kinda event my boyfriend likes but hey it'll be different and he likes different
In exactly one month I'll be 26. I don't wanna be. what happened to 16?
It'll also mean my little doggy's been living with us for 4 years!! She is getting older too but looking like a puppy! I'm so jealous :)
I love weekends... have a great one everybody ♥

Blueberry Love

2010-07-06T18:43:00.001+01:00

Blueberries have been on sale (blame the economy) for a while at our market. I'm so in love with blueberries. My favorite berries I might add. So sweet and perfect to compliment anything you might wanna place them next to. They make me happy. I'm telling you all this because Patrick asked me "What is it that you want to do or get into that will make you happy that you can realistically do today, tomorrow, or as far as a week out?" Obviously blueberries are not enough to "change my life" but little things always add up, right?

Well... more than fruit I need a couple of other things. I need a job! I'm so annoyed and frustrated about the one job I really wanted. Will it ever happen? It's not up to me but I've been waiting for a long time. So it is way past time I start looking for something else. I don't even wanna think about this subject but I'm really tired of waiting here. Time to move on. If that job still happens I'll be on board happily ever after.

My boyfriend has been hiding in his shell. Probably since he's been back from his service. It's not like anything bad happened while he was there. He's always been a quiet guy. Doesn't talk much about his problems or his inner whatever. But since he's been back it seems he doesn't ever talk. It's like he's lost his ability to have a conversation sometimes. He doesn't even wanna see his friends. Don't get me wrong. He does have reasons like he is always tired working 12 hours then gym everyday... He has been stressing about his work conditions not improving like he is not paid what he deserves at all and the hours are so long, etc. He stopped caring for anything else almost. I need to break his shell once again and get him to enjoy things a little. That would make me happy.

I've talked to J a few times since last week. She is doing great and I'm feeling a lot better about her being away :) She is hoping to be back early august if there isn't any news.

People we have a serious problem!!!! The 7th Harry Potter movie is almost out and next year we'll see the last movie!! Then it will be over!!! No more Happy Potter!!!!! No amount of vampire hotness can match the magic Harry provides... I'll be heartbroken my friends... But it is worth this love. My heart will go on and on...

Love yourself
♥River

Useless

2010-07-01T15:49:00.001+01:00

I've been hiding inside my shell the past two weeks. I don't know why. But I sure am embarrassed about how I ignored this blog and others, I let go of my food tracking, may be even stopped caring for myself... I have been doing nothing. NOTHING!! Two whole weeks. Sitting at my desk, playing video games. I feel useless and absolutely miserable. I'm not sure what the hell happened to me. Let me tell you how it started though.

I spent most of sunday (two weeks ago) with J. I couldn't help be emotional all day. See I never wanted siblings although my parents asked me a few times. But if I could pick a sibling I would want J as my sister and noone else. Then again we sometimes go months without seeing each other. That doesn't matter. We will be there if one needs the other. Somehow I'm just not handling her going to New Jersey for the rest of the summer. I think not knowing when she will be back (cos she really doesn't know and might stay till the end of september) is making me uncomfortable. It feels like she won't be back. Ever. And there is a reason for that.

I studied in California for two years. Then I quit. The first year was all fun. I met some amazing people, had an absolutely awesome time. Second year is a different story though. I broke up with my longtime girlfriend. I started thinking I've already seen LA I just wanna be home. I got sick of the food. I started sleeping all day, up all night. Not partying! I'm not a partying type. I just lived like that. I missed the sun and that's a tough thing to do in Southern California!

I got depressed. I got so depressed that I couldn't wake myself up for days. I needed help for that. I had to see a shrink I seriously don't know how often. I got some pills priscribed that I never took. Everything was shit. Plain shit. I really really really wanted to be home. When I came back home that summer it took me two months to tell my parents that I didn't wanna go back. They wasted ridiculous amount of money so I can study in CA which I'd been telling them I wanted for so many years. Now I didn't wanna go back. So I stayed.

Damn! I don't wanna write about all this anymore. Sorry. I've been down and it's time to get back up already. I need to wake up already.

Thank you for all your support. I love you all. OK I love some of you a little more but I love you all! ♥

Quick Update and Weigh-in

2010-06-19T10:03:00.000+01:00

Hello! Hello! I've got updates for you. Which might not pass for a decent blog post and I realize I've been lazy about the blog (scares me to death) but I promise (especially to myself!) that I'll get my sh*t together.

1 - I lost weight! YAY =) -3lbs this week. Me happy ☺

2 - My treadmill is not working. On wednesday I got ready and stepped on my little stubborn monster wouldn't start. The panic, the annoyance, followed by the fear of the weigh in... The repairman showed up the next day, but it he stopped by on his way to an appointment so he just looked around to see what the problem was and is promised to fix it today. Fingers crossed.

3 - I have gone down to 1200 the first couple of days of the week then went up to 1600s on wednesday and closed the day at 1300 the last two days. These numbers are like miracle to me. Planning ahead worked so far and I don't have to get stressed over eating something then balancing it later in the day. Me happy again.

4 - My little doggy, Snow White, continued her peeing conquest until friday. She even peed in her own bed!!! Not normal at all. We have been to the vet and he is there is nothing wrong with her. She is definitely protesting something. I don't understand why I didn't think about this before but my grandma is visiting my cousins out of town for a couple of weeks. She did leave the fist day doggy pee arrived on my bed. But grandma doesn't really like the dog. If it were up to her Snow White would be back on the streets to be honest. But that doesn't matter to a dog. She just loves people. Can't help it probably. We have been giving "extra love" however we think it's possible since the "enlightenment" and she seems fine for now.

•●●ஐ๑HAPPY FATHER'S DAYஐ●●•

Burn Baby Burn

2010-06-15T23:49:00.000+01:00

I kinda sorta hate myself (or dislike very much) when I don't post often enough. I've gone lazy. But not only that... After everything going so well all week I weighed in on saturday and my scale informed me that I gained half a pound. Excuse me??? What the hell is that stupid square bastard is trying to tell me? I feel rage!

Still I did not give up. Don't think for a second that I did. No! I had an average day on saturday. Ate whatever I wanted on sunday (I will probably do this till the rest of my life). Just like I planned. When I say I ate whatever I want it's not really what it used to be. I don't wanna jinx it though :)

This week I'm going lower with the calories. I have been thinking about going down to 1200s. But couldn't get myself to even consider it. Last week with planning so much I felt that I was ready to try. It's been two days now. On monday I had 1230 and today 1252 calories. I'm about to go to bed so I'm certain I won't eat anything else. I already planned tomorrow's meals and hoping to end the day with 1227. I'll go higher for the weekend especially considering I'll be out dancing with J on sunday at the music festival I've been waiting for all month. It will be our only day/night our for the rest of the summer as she is leaving for New Jersey just a week from now! Damn... I'll miss that girl.

I burned my belly with boiling milk yesterday. I thought the weather was hot. Who said milk was good for you!! It's total bs. I have burned skin size of a zippo. It turned a deep purple color today with dark pink corners. At least it's not hurting anymore, right! Hold on. I took a second look. It's 3/4s of a zippo.

The bigger problem is my dog actually. On sunday night I was watching tv till my eyes wouldn't stay open. What a shock! I somehow managed to change and get ready to get in the bed. I turn the lights off. I'm in haven with my pillow. I'm a stretcher 24/7. So I stretch my legs and something is wet. I turn the lights back on. Sit up. Yeah the feet of my bed is wet. I'm thinking did I spill something. No. So what the hell is that. I bent down to investigate and yes it smells like pee. Now I'm in hell. I had to get up, change my sheets, open the window... Of course I couldn't sleep half the night. I'm thinking was she mad at me? Or was she unable to control her muscles??

So the next day she pees on my sweatshirt which was on bed again. I'm mad but confused. I don't yell at the dog cos I really need more information about what happened. My dad is already mad at her all the time because my dog does pee on carpets all over the house for different reasons. We have a behavioral problem. Might also be the reason she was kicked out of her previous house, but getting kicked out might also be the reason for peeing whenever she decides she wants more attention. (My cousin rescued her from streets)

You see why I need more info? I don't wanna jump to conclusions especially considering she is about 13 years old (again just the vet's guess because of her heart condition). But today I caught her on action!!! I walked her twice before the afternoon to make sure she won't have to pee all over. But she did. She has a large pillow next to my bed she uses when she doesn't wanna be in her own bed. This time she peed on it. I was mad alright. Very disappointed also. I'm stressed about this business all day and don't know what she'll aim at tomorrow. Gonna take her to vet thursday probably. I need a ride from my dad. He won't be home much tomorrow though. So we'll wait one more day. I don't really know what the vet might say. Will he even have anything to say about it. Because whatever we did we couldn't stop her peeing on the carpets. Now this... Hope she'll give up on her own.

And look at this beauty. Who's think she was such a naughty naughty girl?

Challenge is going....

2010-06-11T21:20:00.000+01:00

PRETTY GOOD!! I'm as surprised as you are. I have to treat myself like a child and it works so who's gonna complain! Not me. So here is my report for the past 5 days (official report I will need to send to Biz tomorrow!)

- track food every day

I was afraid I would fail miserable at this because it's so boring and annoying and a second time annoying! Hah! I rocked at this. Monday I logged in everything I ate on Spark People. But since tuesday I've been planning all what I should eat the night before. I stuck with all this planning most of the time. The exception being last night. I had some dumb cramps etc so I gave myself some random excuse to eat a cheese sandwich (200calories aprox) which also put me over my calories for the day.

-weekly limit of 11,000 calories

I've given myself 500 extra calories a week to give myself some room not to go panick mode. But I was trying to save it up for weekend. Not happening. Which gives me the impression that at least one day I will not care for the calories. Now here is the important part. May be it is OK not to care for calories for a day (does not mean having high calorie foods all day at all) but I also promised myself 11000 calories a week. But I couldn't save up enough to have a "happy" day. Then again if I don't have my day I might just lose it!!!! Because I've been hungry and unsatisfied almost all week!!!!!!! I'm screaming inside but don't wanna disturb you with all capitals cos if I start now I won't be able to stop.

OK. Deep breaths. Everything is fine. This was a great week. So just calm down. Keep breathing. Fine!

-limit fat and sugar

Only sugar I had all week came from fruit. I didn't think I would survive without ice cream. Turns out I can. And fat was all from olive oil and hazelnut oil on my salads, veggies, etc. Now tell me that doesn't sound good! Hah! Score! on both fat and sugar! =D

-workout 4 times a week

Well I've been doing my "walks" of 1 km, 1.5 km blah blah. I find it a little boring going so slow and don't really have any motivation for it. But in a week the kilometers will get to be more serious and it will all come back to me. Oh and thank you for all who asks me about my knee... it's doing well I guess. Didn't have any pain lately. It's making a lot of noise though! It used to be scary. Now I'm just too used to it so it's just funny! I also have to wear a knee thingy while walking as a workout. I'm not in love with it but it feel like it's doing a lot of the job instead of the knee so can't complain. (I'm still gonna say I didn't like paying about $70 for it)

-keep my living space organized

I'm not done yet but I've gone through some spaces in this room that I haven't seen or cared for a long time. If I end up alone by the time I'm 60 (and I'm being optimistic) I'll be the cat lady who collects all the crap in the world cos she thinks "what if I need this some day". So I'm trying to change that. Thrown away a lot of junk and will keep going through every tiny little corner (I have nothing but time)

I'm not really planning on posting a report like this every week. I just thought this week was a little better than I thought it would be so I had to share :)

---------------------

I've been having some (a ton) problems with my internet. I don't know what the hell but let me tell you it took me about six hours to write this post because it keeps cutting off. So I might have forgot some (a lot) of the stuff I meant to write and it's been very difficult to read your blogs. Hope it will be fixed soon. It has been driving me crazy all day! So annoying.

Oh one more thing, thank you for the new followers. I have 77 followers now! Lucky number some might say =) When I click on your profiles though it just doesn't show up some of your websites or blogs. And I know some of you do have blogs because the same happens with some my favorite bloggers too. So if you have a blog and you realize I'm not following if you could just let me know your addresses that would be awesome. Thanx

Have a great weekend! ♥

A Challenge

2010-06-07T16:08:00.001+01:00

Hey! Sorry I have been lazy about posting lately. I didn't wanna keep writing the same song over and over again. And although I was suppose to be back on track I wasn't feeling it. I was looking for extra motivation though and considering giving myself a challenge. I didn't have to. Cos I found out about this awesome blog and the 101 Days Challenge. I joined a little late. So I'm running behind one week. The challenge will end on Labor Day. Each participant comes up with their own goals and every saturday we email Biz to let her know how it's going so she posts everyone's updates on her 101 Update page. I'll be sending my first update next saturday as I joined, I think, on friday. The challenge already have 50 participants!!! Awesome!

So here is my goals for the next 3 months:

lose 20 pounds (that would put me at 190lbs)
track food every day (everyday!!! no skipping weekends or giving up on the day if I eat something bad)
weekly limit of 11,000 calories (which gives me 1500 calories a day & some change)
limit fat and sugar (cos I've been bad!)
workout 4 times a week (this one will move slow cos my knees are my masters you know that :)
keep my living space organized * this one is important! (I wake up with a better attitude if my room is looking good)

That also means I should be losing more than half a pound every two weeks!!! I'm gonna have my first "walk" since forever tomorrow. Only 1 km and slow. But it's something. And it means I can walk for 1.5km the next day then 2km the day after...

I also planned everything I'm gonna eat today already. I'm gonna stick to it no matter how much I wanna eat more or different. This week will be hard (cos I failed last week) but next will be easier. I can't wait for next week :)

Happy Monday!

Thank God for AC

2010-06-02T16:15:00.000+01:00

If you're watching any kind of news you should be aware of a certain attack on a certain ship on certain internation sea and certain deaths... I feel like I should be writing about this and the following events as it's almost the only thing anyone is talking about around me right now. And I would be lying if I told you I'm not affected by what's going on but I decided I don't want to drown my blog in ugliness.

It's burning hot. Supposed to be cooler today. Haven't felt a difference yet. May be it's because I'm stuck inside the apartment. Well thank God for AC and daddy cos he bought me one last summer. My room is on the south-west corner of the building and it doesn't get worse than that. But now with the help of the ac I'm not leaving the room. My parents visit my room to cool off but stepping out is a little tricky. I don't even know what I'm complaining about right now, I guess I'm bored again. Surprise surprise!!

By the way I wish there was a spell checking tool on blogspot. They have everyhing. Why not spell checking?

Meet dinner from last night. I've been eating a lot of potatoes lately. Started in Ankara. Has no oil in it what so ever. So that's good. But I'm in a potato state of mind I have to say. My tomato salad left me wanting more too. I thought I didn't want much so made just that little. Summer is definitely tomato salad season here. Little olive oil and lemon juice makes it the perfect side dish for almost any food any meal. Look at the chicken though, looks like it's being bullied by the rest of the plate =) But I had a tuna salad for lunch so I decided that chicken was enough.

And this is what I eat almost every breakfast. That's smoked turkey and simit. Simit is a bagel like Turkish habbit. I'm sayin habbit because as a family we go thorugh about a million a week. One whole simit would be equal to 4 normal slices of bread. I eat about half. The egg sometimes becomes two or three egg whites or low-fat cheese. I need lots and lots of protein for breakfast. Otherwise I would be in hunger pains and get light headed in an hour. Well I need lots of protein any meal but breakfast is the most important obviously. I can never leave the house or function at all without it. That little glass is how we traditionally have our tea here. my glass is actually slightly larger than the "traditional". My father hates it, cos he thinks it's too big :) Well I don't mind it. I still get the same pleasure.

J stopped by yesterday. She is gonna be spending at least 6 weeks in US at her uncle's. If she finds an internship it might be even longer. But before she leaves we are trying to catch some music festivals. There is a dance music festival, I think it could be called "dance music", anywho we love it Efes Pilsen One Love. I thought we could only go the first day not the second cos I thought she was leaving on that second day. Sophie Ellis Bextor and The Ting Tings will be performing on the second day and I wouldn't mind making babies with Sophie or her music. Yeah I love it. Her "catch you" is my pushing-it-to-the-limit during workout song. So I was complaining about it yesterday and J laughed at my face and told me she was leaving 3 days later that =) I totally forgot I was supposed to be resting my knee and started jumping up and down screaming of joy... This is my kinda good news.

And to be honest I don't know what else to tell you. I'm kind of or no straight out regretting not remaining 100% anonymous. I don't mind Ivy reading anything. But I let my boyfriend read it. Hmmm... If I told him not to read yes he wouldn't (I on the otherhand would read it no matter what). But I don't know what I really want to share or not. I guess I'm simply confused about the whole thing.

Have a great wednesday!

Fear No More

2010-05-31T17:01:00.000+01:00

I've got news. Let me tell you from the beginning.

On friday I went to my orthopaedist. He was surprised to see me because he thought my right knee was supposed to be in pretty good shape by now. He was right. So I told him what happened to my left knee. I said "I know this is not really what happened but it felt like my knee turned 90 degrees by itself and snapped back." He had a very worried look on his face and he asked me when that happened. I told him a month ago but he was at a seminar so I couldn't see him. Then I told him the pain came back a few weeks ago and it was horrible for 3-4 days. He did not like it.

Still I wasn't that worried anymore. Because I trust him so much I just knew everyhing was OK. Then he told me that "feeling" of the knee turning, yeah, that really happened. I got dizzy. How the hell does that really happen!! Ouch! The pain was bad but I can deal with pain. This thing is plain creepy and far from being natural.

The diagnosis was I tore my cruciate ligamen. The worst was him telling me I might need surgery. He didn't even have a hint of smile on his face which freaked me out even more. He sent me to get an MRI. At the hospital it was way too expensive. So he gave me a phone number. I called, told the lady my doctor gave me the number blah blah so they sent a driver to pick me up from the hospital! That was very very nice of them. I got over the MRI and I was waiting for my father to come pick me up. In 10 minutes they had written up the report and gave me back my results! That was the cool part and I paid 1/4 of what I would have at the hospital. But I had to wait till the next day to show the report and the images to my doc.

Saturday comes. My boyfriend takes me to the hospital. We wait and wait (I didn't have an appointment we had to wait for an opening) I was about to lose my mind. I hate waiting for anything anyways. But this oh boy I wanted to kick something!

Finally I get in. He looks at the stuff I brought with me. He looks at me and says "you failed. couldn't tear the whole thing." Geez!!! I had a heart attack the first second but recovered quickly. He said the 70% of the ligament was fine. He was smiling again and I took a deep breath, it was gonna be alright afterall.

Now I have to keep sitting on my butt, resting the knee for 10 more days (no workouts of any kind at all) use ice 3 times a day, etc. I have to buy a kneepad. After the resting period, by the way it's so short because so lucky that I got sick in Ankara and couldn't workout, I will start walking very slowly. 1 km (0.62 miles) the first day very slow. Adding half a kilometer each day untill I get to my regular lenght, but need to keep it slower than I am used to and in a few months I can go full force again.

There is a weigh in coming up and I guess I'll be lucky if I don't gain anything. I'd been stressing over the knee and sitting on my butt all day I'm so bored!!! I wanna eat everyhting. Of course I won't. But well... I want to.

Forget about the food for a second though I almost had to go through surgery. I think I can survive 10 days of boredom =D

Beautiful Blogger Award

2010-05-27T19:34:00.002+01:00

The rules: pass the award on to 7 bloggers and write 7 things about myself that you did not know!

Thank you Aylilth!!! Such a great encouragement!! =D I'm honored ♥
I'm trying not to cheat on this one. 7 things you don't know is though. Why am I finding this one so hard :) Let's just try.

1 - I'm Muslim

2 - I'm bi

3 - I have two tattoos

4 - I studied in California (Pitzer College) for two years then quit because I got very very depressed (I spent a lot of time with a shrink) possibly because I missed home but certainly not the only reason

5 - I'm not a friendly person (do not argue I know what I'm talking about)

6 - I used to be very skinny when I was a kid. So my parents took me to a million doctors and I started using medicine to up my apetite when I was 8 years old. You have seen the results that first piece of chain of things did.
7 - My biggest fantasy in life is to live in a country style house close to a cliff and a forest 10 minutes away from a little town and at most 2 hours away from a big city spending my days writing, taking after my millions of cats and dogs and all the rest, visiting my kids, and loving my husband.

Now time to pass this Beautiful Blogger Award on to 7 bloggers. I kinda want to name different people from my last award. If you haven't received it yet and would so kindly except it:

CJ
Jessica
Police Girl
SherRon
BAYGIRL32
Barlow Putz
Renée

xoxo -River

Surviving

2010-05-27T18:06:00.001+01:00

I was supposed to post yesterday but waited till I would workout (no I didn't). It was getting late so I wrote some stuff then my internet connection got cut for some reason. So frustrating living without internet for even a couple hours. I depend on the internet for so many things it's insane. Reminds me what was up with the Biggest Loser Finale? They didn't let anyone speak and kept showing stupid videos of people "reminding" us what they've "gone through" at the ranch. It was my least favorite finale. But I would have been happy with any of them top 3 winning. I used to dislike Mike a lot in the beginning, the old days when he was into eliminating people who deserved to be there more. Now I think he is a grown up man again and he looks so hot!!! They all do. Yay! ((:

By the way Jillian looked hotter than anybody there or I'm just too into that lovely little lady.

I'm finally gonna see my knee doctor tomorrow. He had surgeries, etc all the week so tomorrow was the earliest date I could catch him. I'm very worried about it. This sudden and not-going-away-for-a-couple-of-days-pain in my left knee is scary and new. I really don't even want to think about it. It will be ok. Has to be.

I'm eating alright again. Having difficulty in going back to tracking my food though. I'm so bored of writing and seraching and adding and blah blah blah. I do feel safer with tracking my food so I need to snap out of this atittude and do the work. But seriously I've been good about portion control and this little plate is stuffed grape leaves with fat-free Turkish yoghurt. Last week I would have eaten at least twice as many and with lots of bread. But this was my lunch yesterday. I've been drinking a little too much sugar-free ice tea. I really need something to prevent me from feeling hungry. I'll be cutting back next week. Trying to listen to my body's signals. But the heat is also making me thursty and even in winter I drink about 12 glasses of water a day. Imagine how much liquids my body is asking for!! I'm a walking pool.

One thing I need to fix is my sleep schedule. I've been sleeping after the birds starts to sing and the sun is up. Today I'm seeing the effects. Feeling so tired and my eyes want to close asap. Good thing my doctor's appointment is at noon. I gotta get up early, meaning I can't just stay in bed untill I please. The procrastinator in me got to go on a vacation and leave me alone.

I also can't wait to do something other than light, weight training. I wanna walk again. I want my knees to behave and work with me. Feels like I'm paying for something, but I'm good at blaming myself for everything. Don't worry after spending days, weeks, months thinking on it I find out the truth and come to my senses. Well that might change as I decide to grow up some day.

I might be getting effected by all the shows ending the season and there have been way too many sad sad episodes. Yes I'm watching too much but hey I probably won't have time to watch any soon. But the weekend is coming!!!! We might see the last Shrek movie. We try to watch any 3D movies we can get. I could watch commercials for hours if they were in 3D =)

You know what? I'm already feeling a little better. I'm gonna have to do another post in a minute cos I recieved another award!!! HAH! Then I'll reorganize my wardrobe. I'm not happy with the current state. I'll remove some on the draw systems I'm using and re-arrange some stuff. I think I need to throw out some things and give away others. Yeah it's time already. I also need to catch up on reading blogs. I've read some and lacking commenting. Ayayyayyyy gotta move.

Luv u ♥

Back Home & In Trouble

2010-05-24T17:25:00.001+01:00

It's good to be back. It's time to face the reality. I gained 3.5lbs! That is huge! It's so huge that I wanna cut flesh off of my body to get rid of it right away! I'm so embarrasssed to come back after two weeks and tell you all this is what I did. I will go ahead and confess I binged three times the past 10 days. That is such a high number at this point. But I'm home now and don't have any excuses. I need to get back into the "healthy mind" already and get the numbers going down again.

I had fun though. I don't regret relaxing a little. I don't diet to just lose weight. I'm trying to turn everything I know and still learning into a life style. And in real life you do take vacations and gain a couple of pounds. You just come back to your daily routine and you lose that extra naturally. I admit if I don't lose it back in a week I'll probably have a different attitude. But it will be only because I would have disappointed myself. So we'll have some rules brought back this week if I don't want that happenning. The lazy in me needs to move out.

These rules to be followed for the next two weeks (mon 05/24 - sat 06/05)

1 - no sugar

(fresh fruit only)

2 - min 5 servings of veggies & fruits

3 - no processed food or junk

4 - eat 1300-1600 calories

5 - limit fat

6 - do whatever workout I can

(as long as my knees let me)

7- not gonna weigh in untill June 6

Of course there are nice things going on too. Like my mother did a major spring cleaning in my room. I don't think this room was ever this clean. I need to do some reorganizing but feels like the room is shining with pride! Mama is my hero of the month! (and probably all the other 11 months too)

I have to admit though the best part of coming home is my boyfriend. After so many years I still think it's a miracle that we ever met and became close friends, then finally fall in love... Oops I'm getting too emotional all of a sudden. I think catching up with Gray's Anatomy did some damage. What the hell was those last two episodes! Reminds me we still haven't seen the Lost finali. I did consider staying up till morning (was shown here same time as USA) but decided it was silly. I also download every episode then wait to watch it with my boy. We're hoping to watch it tomorrow evening if he is not too tired after his workout. So freaking excited!

I'm ending today's post with this lovely photo of Ivy with the little cat who found us on their backyard and adopted us all by himself! (I think he is a he but may be not) He kinda made us give him milk by drinking Ivy's coffee so casually and looking like enjoying it a lot. He joined us for dinner that day and disappeared the day after to reappear and even jumo in the car with us just the next day. Ivy tells me he still comes and goes and I fell in love with him so bad that I'm torturing my little dog evne worse now. She's fine yet but it's only cos she missed me too much. Next week she'll be hiding from me =) She is a free spirit! ♥

Ankara Update & We Even Have A Dog

2010-05-15T19:42:00.001+01:00

Tonight Ivy's mother is coming back from her trip and our freedom is cut back a little. Ivy is cleaning the apartment inch by inch. Apparently her mother is getting obsessed with cleaning by the minute. I didn't realize that the other two times I visited them, but we'll see how bad it is.

Ivy also has a little dog, Gypsy, who has been living with another family for a few years now. It's Gypsy with Ivy (and her cleaning outfit) on the photo I just took.We picked him up yesterday so he'll be spending some time with us till sunday afternoon. He has a vet appointment the next day so his stay will be short. He is making miss my little doggy. It's always nice to have a little pet in the house. They can make you smile more than you bargained for.

Before we went to pick up Gypsy we of course went to a Starbucks. While we were sitting there, having our drinks we could see a kebab restaurant on a lower level and we saw a woman butcher a meal. In Turkey one of the most popular items is an Iskender Kabab. I certainly love it. It's served as flat bread heated with butter, very thinly sliced meat in the middle, then some tomato sauce and sizzling butter on top with some Turkish yogurt on the side. You get the picture I'm guessing. It tastes like heaven and it even loves you back. This woman sat there and mixed it all up, cutting the meat even smaller, tossed everything upside down and turned that beautiful plate into baby food. I got angry at her. That's what I felt and I'm not sure if it bothers me that I had such a strong reaction. Ivy had deep disappointment in her face also.

I don't think she should be allowed to eat in public. You know a lot of bloggers talk about secret eating and feeling embarrassed eating in front of people. I don't see the point. We (yeah I'm assuming) respect the food, treat it well, love it, care about it. At least that's how I feel.

This is a high calorie day for both of us. Just letting you know. I feel guilty if I don't write it here. I still feel sick though. May be it's my fault for not resting enough. But I'm not here that often so I wanna enjoy my time with my friend and I should have a right to. Not being able to weigh in is also getting to me a little. Not that I'm worried about it. I just wish I knew what happened to my body all week. I'll be taking measurements again in 2-4 weeks. I haven't decided what would be best. I gotta see my calendar and plan this from now on. Planning is good for me. Even when I "fail" to keep up with a schedule or plan I still do better. I like order in my life. Not too much of it though :)

Now that we had some naughty food I'm craving a huge salad and loquats. Isn't it lovely! =)

P.S. This is my second post for the day. I did a little video blog also. I mention dinner in it so here is what I ended up having. (sorry about the messy plate) It is a sort of pasta salad. I have both chicken and tuna in it. (Don't ask me! I'm really scared to know what I'll crave when I get pregnant!) So we have some greens in it, peppers, corn, lots of seasoning (red pepper, thyme, mint) and turkish yogurt as dressing. It was a little hot and I loved it. Couldn't finish the whole thing, it turned out a little too big when I finished adding everything I wanted in. :)

Have a fabulous weekend!

My Second Award

2010-05-15T19:25:00.003+01:00

So I got an email from Renée and she is giving me an award. I'm so honored to be even considered for it. So excited!! YAY =)

We have some rules obviously (see below). I am freaking excited so #1 is done. The second one is tricky. If I stayed 100% anonymous I'm guessing I would have picked option (b) in a heart beat. (a) sounds dangerous beyond all others. I tend to talk way too much and say a million times more than I should when I drink. So I did a vlog! (I hope the link is working or I'll fix it asap)

I'm suppose to pass this award onto 3 or more people. Unless they already received it, here is who I think should this award should also go to:

Kimbo
Erin
Ms. Chunky Chick
Patrick
Cassandra
Al

(most of you don't have emails listed so I hope you'll read this if I can't find a way to contact you)
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Rules:
1. Get really excited that you got the coolest award EVER!
2. Choose ONE of the following options of accepting the OMB award:(a) Get really drunk and blog for 15 minutes straight, or for as long as you can focus.
(b) Write about your most embarrassing moment.
(c) Write a “Soundtrack of your childhood” post.
(d) Make your next blog a ‘vlog’/video blog. Basically, you’re talking to the camera about whatever.
(e) Take a picture of yourself first thing in the morning, before you do anything else (hair, makeup, etc) and post it.
3. Pass this award onto at least 3, but preferably more, awesome bloggers as yourself. Don’t forget to tell them.

Ankara

2010-05-13T19:32:00.001+01:00

That's our capital for those who don't know. So I'm in Ankara and I got the flu. I blame the ac on the bus. But mum has it too and dad was recovering when I left so... who knows. I'm guessing I'll be better in a couple of days. I'm not exactly resting in bed but not killing myself either.

It's good to be here. I missed Ivy so much. We have the whole apartment to ourselves and having a little girl time and some fun. Yesterday we also had a guest, Dodo. He is the nicest, sweetest guy on earth and he can't stop laughing at everything for some reason. He also lost a lot of weight since I've seen him last year. Hoping to see him more before I leave. I decided to go back home next thursday by the way. J might come to stay with us over the weekend. Still haven't decided yet. She has a lot to do for school and will let us know by tomorrow. We have some work to do here too. Working slowly on some graduation projects. Oh these bs never ends with the school work.

We had a pizza and ice cream day yesterday. But we are still on our diet schedule more or less. This was our shopping cart on monday. We went grocery shopping as soon as Ivy picked me up from the bus station. See nothing naughty... some chicken breast, turkey, sugar-free ice tea, salad greens, lots of fruit!

Meet my dinner from monday. (I decided I needed to supply some proof) My chicken as always, some salad with fatfree dressing and frozen potatoes with no oil, little ketchup, very little mustard.

This was luch on tuesday. My pasta with tons of tomato, garlic and scallions. One stuffed eggplant. (We like stuffind veggies and leaves in Turkey and when I see eggplant my heart beats faster)

I almost forgot, my left knee has been hurting like a bitch. Well it's been better today. But it started on monday and I was in pain for so long. My eyes teared every time I had to go down the stairs even just one step. I really need to see my doctor when I go back home. I'm guessing he will tell me I need physical therapy. I do not have any means of affording that at the moment and beyond that if I get "the job" I won't have any time. Hope we'll figure out a way to fix it without more trouble.

I haven't worked out since I've been here. But have my weights and videos with me. We can also go for walks when I get better. But we really need to get up early cos it's burning hot in this city. I'm guessing Istanbul will be so hot too when I get back. This summer has come way too fast for me. I never look forward to it. Now it's here and I wish I had the power to keep spring going on for the whole year. Speaking of mind power I just finished reading The Sphere by Michael Crichton. I love this guy so much. Another great book. Always makes me want more. I stole this quote from wiki for you: The New York Times's Robin McKinley said "Part of the fun of Sphere is that it keeps you going even when you're pretty sure of what will happen next." I think I'm reading Timeline by Crichton next.

Today we went out to Starbucks. I don't know what anybody did before Starbucks. I feel so home at any Starbucks. It feels like everybody feels better there. I used to go to Starbucks to study, now I go to read a book, write in my journal, just to get out of my own head... Yeah, one other obsession of mine.

I had a haircut yesterday. Don't like it. The guy didn't get what I wanted and I ended up with this mess. Well.. I'll survive. This is what I looked like drinking my cappuccino today. I don't really like my photo being taken. But hell I wanted to share. For a miracle just for you I'm even smiling :)

My face looks bloated. Look under my eyes. huge bags. Well the bags is a curse for the women in my family. But that's not the point. I sometimes like being bloated cos when it goes down it feels like I lost a lot of weight all of a sudden :p I'll always be a kid (or baby) at heart.

This is Ivy telling me we don't look good in photos so what's the point :D I think she asked for it complaining too much. Hahaha she looks funny and this is my blog so I got the power *still giggling* I don't think she looks bad though. If I thought so I wouldn't put this photo. I'm not evil. Just bad sometimes.

I asked Ivy to write a guest post on my blog. She said yes. I'm letting you know so she won't have a way out of it if she gets lazy or sth. She has lost some weight herself. Has been working hard on it. She also has some interesting stories to tell about her years of struggle with weight issues. Of couse if she decides to share. We'll see what she'll come up with.

I've been feeling so bad cos I couldn't post for so many days. I hope I'll be able to write again soon. I miss my blog and I miss reading yours'. I have some catching up to do. Soon. I also have new followers. Always a nice surprise ♥

Have a great day everybody!
xoxo
River

... the weigh-in

2010-05-08T10:55:00.001+01:00

-2 = 206.5 lbs

That 0.5 lbs at the end is bugging me so much!! I wish it was goneeee! I am so happy that I see the minus 2, but I can't stop wishing it was more. I know I'm gonna be obsessing all week next week that I'm gaining not losing blah blah blah

I guess I just need to see my boyfriend and I'll be just fine. Even my dog is still asleep next to my mother. Some love and cuddling I'll be good as new.

Have a great weekend !!

The Night Before Weigh-in

2010-05-07T22:10:00.001+01:00

Thank you all for your comments about my reward :) My dress loves you back (yes, she told me herself).

Tomorrow is weigh in day and I'm so nervous! I don't think I've gained more than a pound last week. At least I hope I didn't. So tomorrow morning I really don't know what to expect. I stepped on my scale a couple of days earlier but still not sure... I'm never sure about this numbers thing.

This is what I did since monday. This table is from my Spark People Calendar. The days it says "track cardio" but there are still fitness minutes given, I only did strength training so no cardio calories entered. (I know I'm not sharing what I did over the weekend! yes I mean to hide it from you. so move along people!) In the end it's not the "ideal" week but I think I did pretty good considering I was struggling with sleep till wednesday. I guess I need to admit I'm happy with what I did. I just wish tuesday wasn't so high on calories. I don't even remember what brought up my calories so high.

Did you see the 1022 calories burned today!!!!!! Yesterday was really good too. So what was the difference? When I step on the treadmill I usually am thinking "I think I could go for an hour" and feeling tortured half the time. Yesterday I tried to enter the minutes before I started and let the treadmill count down from 75 minutes. Same today with 90 minutes. Somehow that felt a little easier. I hoped so bad I would reach to a 1000 calories and was scared about half way through that I wouldn't. I guess that's why I'm smiling right now as much as I'm obsessing about tomorrow's weigh in.

We're gonna go see Iron Man 2!!!!!! Probably tomorrow. It's getting hot during the day so seeing a movie is a great option to be out of the house during the "hot" hours. I loved the first movie a lot. It was soo much fun I'm keeping my fingers crossed the second one will be as good. I haven't read any reviews or anything yet. I don't wanna know much about the movie before I see it. Well the subject and a simple trailer is fine. But if you read too much or the wrong thing it ruins the whole experience for me. By the way does anybody else thinks Robert Downey Jr is getting hotter by the minute?!! When I see that guy I don't think I'll even care for Scarlett and I adore that woman. (I adored her before many of you knew she existed!) Don't worry I'll stop here.

Have a great weekend everybody! Sunday is Mother's Day :)

New Goodies YAY!

2010-05-06T14:10:00.002+01:00

So I didn't confess this before but on April 23rd, one favorite website modcloth.com added this beautiful black dress as a new item. The trick about ModCloth is that most items are sold out in the speed of light. And needless to say for me the dress was love at first sight. From time to time I show some items I like from this site to my boyfriend. And you need to understand if it was possible I would live in this website! Like Alice in Wonderland I wanna get lost in ModCloth... ♥

So boyfriend sees the dress and tells me "let's buy it." At first I objected and told him I didn't deserve it yet. A couple of hours later small and medium sizes were gone!! Sold out. I panicked and he kept sayin "I wanna buy it for you." So... I gave in. How could I not! Look at it! So adorable. They had up to 3X sizes. But we ordered large. Now I have to work to get into the dress and I love the idea!!

Modcloth gives 10% discount for international orders of $100+ So I had put this cutest tshirt to my wishlist a couple of weeks ago. We added that and this strange yet softest, loveliest scarf to the order. Yes I admit I acted like a kid in a candy store! I'm not regretting it though. So I guess this order was my going-below-210-lbs-reward. It is a bigger reward than may be should have. But I'm also thinking it as my one-month-of-blogging-and-keep-going reward. It was exactly one month before that I wrote my very first post!!!

They arrived a couple of days ago. I love them all! I'm not gonna let myself go crazy and order anything else before I should again. I promise!

My knees have been alittle annoying lately. I'm going back to doing my leg exercises (doctor's prescription) hoping it'll help. Working with weights on your ankles also works your lower abs and boy am I sore! I missed feeling sore. Reminds me I need to up my strength training.

I did better with food choices yesterday. Had lots of fish. (I was gonna take a pic cos it looked so good but I was too busy eating it! oops...) My appetitte is calming down, sleeping better, have a little more energy. I'm doing both strength training and cardio today. Will let you know tomorrow.

I said hi to my scale in the morning. Wasn't bad. Hope I'll see a not-so-bad number on Saturday. *Fingers crossed* as always...

UPDATE: Bloggers I'm far away from USA right now but just found out about what's going on in Nashville (one of the places I wanna see soooo bad on Earth) and please visit Beth's blog to read about it and share and hopefully find a way to help!

BUCKET LIST

2010-05-05T17:43:00.003+01:00

- Visit Japan

- Learn another language

- Write something I'm proud of

- Go scuba diving
(I'm terrified)

- Run a marathon
(or an equivalent)

- Take a cooking class

- Paint something

50

2010-05-04T15:35:00.002+01:00

I took a pill last night to help me sleep. I hoped for a 10 hours but had to settle for 9. Because of the job I'm trying to get. One of the people I'll meet about it was on tv discussing something current and I thought it was important for me to get a little more on who he is, etc.

I did wake up during the night but fell back asleep quick. Waking up was a bitch though. I don't know how I managed to get out of the house somehow and meet J. All the way I felt so dizzy and disoriented. Thank God, J wanted to take it slow today. We had a very light walk for 45 minutes. Burned only 380 calories but it is something.

When I came back home I couldn't even take a shower. Just went back to bed wondering if I could sleep or not. Turns out I could. Slept 4 more hours. I feel so much better. Not 100% awesome. But a lot better.

Made myself a nice lunch. Mum already made some salad and pasta, which went perfect with my chicken. I cooked the same chicken with marinade on saturday for my boyfriend. And what do you know, he wants some more. Which is excellent news. Because he likes eating out a lot and I hate spending money on food so much. On his defense he eats so stickly (being a bodybuilder and all) on weekdays and weekend mornings he is always craving for some color. So I'm looking for some nice side dishes to go with the chicken. Also will make a huge, green salad. I guess I'll go for mushrooms? Lots of protein and he loves them. Me too.

I noticed now I have 50 followers! (like I don't check the number everyday. duh!) Exactly 6 weeks from my very first post.

Love you all! Have a great day!

Yawn

2010-05-03T18:15:00.000+01:00

I haven't been able to sleep the last two nights. I mean I slept but I guess only enough to keep my body functioning. I feel so exhausted. I'm going to bed at 9pm with a sleeping pill tonight. I try not to take pills unless I feel like I'm drawning with the exhaustion, feeling dizzy all the time, no energy to go through the day... So I'm taking the pills two nights in a row and try to sleep on my own the next day.

I will however go for a walk by the sea tomorrow morning with J. I miss our walks so much! Especially being sick last week I got so bored. I hoped to walk on the treadmill today. Nothing too hard. Simple walk. Not happenning. I don't have the energy even a bit. I kinda wanted to skip posting but didn't want to have the guilt to build up.

I'll be going to Ankara, the capital, next week. At least I hope so. Because there is a job interview I have to but don't know when it'll be. (I want the job so bad!!!!!!!!!!!! I'll tell you about it later) I'm gonna be visiting my closest friend from college. Ivy. I hate that she went back home after the graduation! Her sister lives here and we are all here, but she is back home. I miss her so much! Are you reading this little missy?? We all miss you here! And you were suppose to come here on Fabruary. What happened?! Are you cheating on me now? I'll make you pay. Hold on. I'll be there in 7 days!

So about next week. We got some things to do with Ivy and some catching up obviously. J will also try to come towards the weekend if she can and if I stay that long. Nothing is certain yet. Another friend is also trying to come. But she needs to have a little corrective operation on her nose and her mother needs her with some stuff. So.. I don't know. We'll see who shows up. I don't mind the crowd, but I do prefer a couple of days I can be alone with Ivy.

Also there is the question of staying on track. Ivy has also some pounds to lose and she's been going to a gym everyday (I think) for awhile now. She is dieting also. But when two friends who love food so much come together things can get tricky. I hope it will not this time! But I asked her for one night of pizza and beer! I've been craving bad. And I'll do it one way or the other. So I thought I was a nice cheat for us to enjoy together. Making a movie night out of it. Hopefully we'll have worked out in the morning and burned some of the calories at least. I think we'll be celebrating the change of our lives' direction with the graduationg and looking for jobs, etc. (I don't wanna celebrate losing weight with food!)

I'm adding to this week's list:

8 - Nothing but yogurt after 6pm

9 - Get up at 7.30am every morning

Dear May,

2010-05-01T18:53:00.015+01:00

WEEK # 1

1 - Stay under 1500 calories

2 - Workout 60mins/day (5 days)

3 - If I can go for 90mins (mon-wed-fri)

4 - Track everything I eat and log all the workouts on Spark People

5 - Stay active for 1 hour each day when I have nothing to do

6- No diet or any other kinds of soda
7- Cut back on sodium

to be continued...

Sick Week Ending

2010-04-30T18:38:00.002+01:00

I went to bed late last night. 4 am to be exact. It's only cos I had to cut my sleep short yesterday then go back to sleep in the middle of the day. Anywho I only slept 6 hours last night and anything less than 8 hrs is not so cute on me. I've been sleepy all day but feeling a lot better overall. I even made my bed. I confess making the bed isn't a habbit of mine. After this week's American Idol I'd been craving Shania Twain (I love country music and might be the only person who love it so much in this country). So after breakfast I full-blasted Come on Over (my fav Shania album) and oh how I missed those songs. She makes me dance, smile and apparently make my bed! I did some organizing of my bookcase, changed my desk's angle. Did some little stuff... singing and dancing.

Then my aunt came with her younger daughter who left her husband this morning! It's a very long story with her. But in summary my cousin, lets call her Bell, got married 12 years ago and stopped all contact with her side of the family, all of us including her parents. My aunt finally got through to her 6 years ago. She was the only one Bell would see. The main problem is she married an asshole and triple asshole in-laws. She spent 12 years like a prisoner. Abused in many ways, always feared for her security... you get the point? It was almost like she got kidnapped and had Stockholm Sendrome.

So Bell called my aunt two days ago and she was all scared and a little out of her mind. My aunt jumps on the first plane (she lives in Izmir, alittle south of here) and comes to talk to her in person. Bell tells her she is finally (after 12 years!) ready to leave her husband. We were scared he would react in a "bad" way. Well honestly I was getting ready for the news she was killed. But he just insulted her, told her she couldn't do shit and blah blah. So she left. Today was her first day in civilization. I don't know where I'm going with this, why I told you... I guess this was the headline of my day and most of my day ran around it.

----------------

On a sweeter note this little cup has been my favorite dessert for the past month.

It's crushed oat cookies at the bottom, plain ice cream in the middle and unsweetened applesauce on top. I love this because it really satisfies my desert craving perfectly. I also can control the calories and everything else by adjusting what I use and how much of it. I kinda turn it into baby food by mixing everyhting about half way through. But what can I say... it's the 16 year-old inside of me trying to go back to kindergarten. Yeah 16 is the age I wish I could stay at for the rest of my life!

I'm going back to "healthier" tomorrow, which is awesome considering it's the first day of May. I'll post a list of "have to and gonna do no matter what" for May tomorrow. I wanna step up my game this month. I mean it!

Feeling Better

2010-04-29T21:54:00.001+01:00

Thank you everybody for your well wishes and supporting my no-scale decision! :) I'm feeling better but still a little tired. Finally slept better last night. Not exactly comatosed but a lot better! (It's nice to know there are people who understand what not-being-able-to-sleep for so long means. thnx ♥) I also had to get up early this morning cos our phone was out and I had to deal with the electirician. I went back to bed after he was gone but you know how it is, my whole system is already messed up, so I'm stuck with a monster headache. Still not complaining though. The idea of getting better and beginning to workout again (I'm hoping for saturday) is too exciting!

I've been eating and not counting anything. I noticed that although I'm eating whatever I want and much of it, I still try to make better decisions. For example I had a huge sandwich for dinner yesterday and I added bell peppers and green beans in it. My father also bought three different kinds of plums today. I noticed I didn't have any this year or last! I'm a little particular about my fruit and wasn't making it a priority before. But today I had a large bowl of plums and boy did I miss that taste! Plums are magical with low calories and sweet textures and I am gonna spend this summer soaking myself in plums. Especially loquats! When you get rid of the skin (I peel and eat the skin too by the way, I'm "weird" that way) loquats are divine!

My taste or understanding of taste is shifting I believe. I enjoy possibly twice as many veggies and fruits as I did before. I'm still finding new ways to enjoy my food but I do feel a lot better than the weight I already lost. I know for sure something is changing and it is for the better. I think my body asks for better quality and variety. The real sursprise is that I'm listening to it.

All joking aside I actually had pre-diabetes just a year ago. I did not try to lose weight although I wanted to at the time. But I did start to make better choices at least once a day. I'm serious it was just once a day and not even that sometimes. I started to get on the treadmill and walk with no schedule or planning. But I moved. After using the drugs my doctor prescribed for about 10 months or so I had a whole different problem and with my doctor we decided it might have been a side effect of those drugs I'd been using. So I decided to quit. I said "I do not care I will not live like this I'm not taking these pills you cannot make me." After 3 months or so the time for my check up with the diabetes doctor came and I had my tests done. Then I confessed I wasn't taking the pills anymore and you know what my doctor told me "You don't need to take anything anymore. Your blood sugar is excellent. Everything looks great." I think that was the point I decided to commit losing weight and getting healthy. It wasn't a rock-bottom experience, not a fight with my boyfriend, not the idea of being a fat-bride... no I found my motivation, the final push from getting better.

SICK IN BED

2010-04-27T14:13:00.000+01:00

So I was feeling down yesterday and woke up feeling worse this noon! I also couldn't sleep all that well the last couple of nights. I just keep waking up every hour or so, (I'm a chronic insomniac) which doesn't help with the way I'm feeling. I'm feeling stressed about not working out and to make matters worse I'm bout to get my period and my appetite is scary! So in summary: I'm all bloated, craving anything and everything, can't workout, have a headache, can't get out of the bed, bored, annoyed, stressed and losin my mind!

I've decided to skip the weigh in this week. Well I'm not stepping on that scale until I feel better and ready. I don't wanna make myself feel worse and fall off the wagon because I feel so weak.

I wanted to write about my weekend today but not happening. The computer is making my head hurt. Wish me luck people! I really need it. ♥

GUILTY

2010-04-26T20:21:00.001+01:00

So I've been tagged by Path to Wellness and I might add I have more "innocents" than her! Huh!

The rules of the game:
RULE 1- You can only say Guilty or Innocent.
RULE 2- You are not allowed to explain anything unless someone messages you and asks!
RULE 3- Copy and paste this into your notes, delete my answers, type in your answers and tag to your friends to answer this.

The Questions:

1. Asked someone to marry you? GUILTY
2. Ever kissed someone of the same sex? GUILTY x billions
3. Danced on a table in a bar? INNOCENT
4. Ever told a lie? GUILTY
5. Had feelings for someone whose feelings you can’t have back? GUILTY
6. Kissed a picture? GUILTY
7. Slept in until 5 PM? GUILTY
8. Fallen asleep at work/school? GUILTY
9. Held a snake? INNOCENT
10. Been suspended from school? INNOCENT
11. Worked at a fast food restaurant? INNOCENT
12. Stolen from a store? GUILTY
13. Been fired from a job? INNOCENT
14. Done something you regret? GUILTY (duh!)
15. Laughed until something you were drinking came out your nose? GUILTY
16. Caught a snowflake on your tongue? GUILTY
17. Kissed in the rain? GUILTY
18. Sat on a roof top? GUILTY
19. Kissed someone you shouldn't? GUILTY
20. Sang in the shower? INNOCENT
21. Been pushed into a pool with all your clothes on? GUILTY
22. Shaved your head? INNOCENT
23. Had a boxing membership? INNOCENT
24. Made a boyfriend/Girlfriend cry? GUILTY
25. Been in a band? INNOCENT
26. Shot a gun? INNOCENT
27. Donated Blood? INNOCENT
28. Eaten alligator meat? INNOCENT
29. Eaten cheesecake? GUILTY
30. Still love someone you shouldn’t? GUILTY
31. Have/had a tattoo? GUILTY
32. Liked someone, but will never tell who? INNOCENT
33. Been too honest? GUILTY
34. Ruined a surprise? GUILTY
35. Ate in a restaurant and got so bloated that you couldn’t walk afterward? GUILTY GUILTY GUILTY
36. Erased someone in your friends list? GUILTY
37. Dressed in a woman’s clothes (if you’re a guy) or man’s clothes (if you’re a girl)? INNOCENT
38. Joined a pageant? INNOCENT
39. Been told that you’re handsome or beautiful by someone who really meant what they said? GUILTY
40. Had communication with your ex? GUILTY
41.Got totally drunk on the night before exam? INNOCENT
42. Got so angry that you cried? GUILTY

So I'm supposed to tag people. Tricky very tricky! So (if you haven't done this already) I will tag Stefi and CJ

LAST WEEK IN APRIL

2010-04-25T11:21:00.002+01:00

1 - Workout 60mins/day (weekdays)

2 - If you can go for 90mins (mon-wed-fri)

3 - Stay under 1500 calories

4 - Clean my room

5 - Organize the wardrobe & the rest

6 - Take doggy to get a hair cut

7 - Finish the book I'm currently reading

LOSING IS SWEET

2010-04-24T09:29:00.005+01:00

I lost 2 lbs! Honestly I wanted more. But when I stepped on the scale and saw 208.5 I just smiled. It felt good. I feel good.

Don't have much time so this post's gonna be short. I gotta workout before I meet my sweetheart.
I did manage to walk on the treadmill the past two days. 60 minutes each. I had to walk slower but my knee feels a lot better. So it's worth slowing down a bit. My initial panic long gone. Today I'm going for Last Chance Workout. I don't want to fall back on my strength training. I worked on my arms, back, shoulders and core on Thursday. But nothing else whole week. Not good. But next week is a new week and I lost 2 lbs. LOL. I just feel good people I feel great!

I also took some measurements. I will post them during the week. In short I lost 2 inches on my hips, belly; 1.5 inches on my waist and 1 inches from both arms and thighs since the last time I measured.

I've been unfollowed by the way! Yeah someone didn't like my blog. I just wish I knew who that was and why exactly. But I have some new followers and I welcome you all. I actually love you all but don't wanna sound too crazy too soon :)

I DID NOT

2010-04-22T14:48:00.003+01:00

I almost ordered pizza for lunch today. I logged in to the website, picked what I want, almost hit the "order" button. Then I stopped. I honestly have no idea what stopped me. Am I evolving? Is this it? Am I gonna be able stop every time I'm about to eat something bad? Don't think so. If for nothing else I don't have the willpower to stop once I'm in the same room with the food, I'm gone. I'm not even in this world. I get high on food. That's what happens. I get high.

After I stopped myself from wasting money and eating a million calories, fat I didn't need I cooked some pasta. Did I want it? May be/May be Not. It doesn't even look that good. Probably because I got lazy grating the parmesan and used the wrong grater. It tasted good though. Added some red bell peppers which adds more taste than it pretends to. I also made the sauce with hazelnut oil. It leaves a sweeter taste in your mouth. And it's good to mix it up a bit considering I eat pasta a lot.

Are you sick of seeing pasta or the same plate over and over again? I love these plates. I don't even let anyone else use them unless I cooked for the whole family and I'm serving the dish. Judge me all you want, I'm nuts. Let's get over it.

Now I don't know what to eat for dinner. I'm bored. Really bored. I invited J to watch some movies this evening. But cancelled it this morning cos I don't feel up to it. I didn't want to drag her down with me. This knee thing is really depressing me. I'm so tired of feeling helpless. I have bad knees and heart by birth! How do you deal with it? Well... sometimes you don't. There is nothing to do sometimes. Nothing.

Thank you for all your nice comments and well wishes about yesterday's post. It helps me more than you know. ♥

Actually my knee doesn't feel as bad as it did yesterday. So I'll try to walk on the treadmill. Not as fast as I would like to but move a little non the less.

This lovely dress is from my favorite website ModCloth. I can't help checking it out every day. And fall in love with another piece of clothing or accessory every time. Today's love affair is with this lovely dress. It's making me a little crazy like I need to lose a million pounds right this second. But it also motivates me.

I'm thinking about purchasing a piece every 10 lbs once I'm down from 200s. Can I afford it? Not sure. But my boyfriend gets excited about this whole thing and wants to buy me everything I like. Don't worry I stop him. But I think I can ask for him to help me with some of my rewards. Any objections? Please don't.

I have a question for you though. How is this blog awards go? If I wanted to give someone an award do I just create a banner of my own and let them know? Because I think I might want to. I realize I've been doing this less than 2 months. But I really value the support you've given me a lot. And I'm a very emotional being. Especially today.

WEDNESDAY AND SOME BAD KNEES

2010-04-21T18:44:00.004+01:00

I don't know who this little girl is but I'm guessing she knows how I'm feeling right now. My left knee gave up on me. It's been aching a little, but today it was worse. With every step I take I can feel my knee moving. Also when I was walking home from the market in the afternoon something happenned. I don't really know what. But this is how it felt like. I left knee, all by itself, turned left 90 degress and snapped back in place. It hurt so bad. I screamed in the middle of the street. Luckily there wasn't anyone around. I really couldn't handle explaining it to anyone.

I called my doctor, but he is away on some conference. If I could just talk to him I would feel better. Unfortunately that is not possible for now. I also don't have insurance since my father lost his job. I need to register for the government plan thingy but my father gotta do it. Because I'm gonna be added to their insurance or something like that. I don't understand how this works. Because this is the first time in my life I didn't have private insurance. In Turkey when you're working anywhere but a government agency they have to insure you and your children who is not working, whatever their age is, also benefits from your insurance. So this is a first.

I'm scared, worried, annoyed, fed up, angry and sad. No workouts for me today.

Today I cooked pasta for lunch. I make this shrimp recipee a lot. But this time I decided to remove lime and add tomatoes in it. It turned out to be one of the best pasta I've ever had! I couldn't get enough of it. I wanna make more already. So I'm cooking it for me and my boyfriend over the weekend. I have to wait that long cos I'm out of shrimp. It's also a national holiday this friday so we'll have a three-days-weekend, which I'm very excited about. But I had to tell him that we needed to eat some meals at home cos there is no way I can stay in my calorie limit all three days. And I really don't wanna eat more than I should this weekend as last week I had more than a couple days with high calories, fat and all that bad girl business.

I also made a lighter version of Cobb Salad without bacon of course and didn't use any cheese either. Made my own dressing as well. 1/2 tbsp olive oil, mustard, some fat-free salad dressing I love, black-pepper. It was good. It kinda had to be. I'd been craving for a while now. Seemed like every show I watch was mentioning Cobb Salad for no good reason.

I had to buy avocados and wasn't sure how much it would cost. Avocados aren't a part of Turkish cuisine and they are not locally grown. I get to eat it at restaurants but not at home. So I decided to go to the market and see how bad it was. About $1.50 per avocado. Is that bad? I don't think so and it certainly is affordable for me right now. So I got 2. One of them need a couple days to be ready to put my sandwiches so I thought 2 was a good number for now.

So my daily total is 1463 calories eaten. Nothing burned.

TUESDAY

2010-04-20T20:55:00.001+01:00

So I'm gonna start with admitting yesterday was not good at all. I ate a little over my max limit but the real bad part was after making a list of things I had to do I didn't workout. Then I went to bed late and woke up at 11 am, turns out I turned the alarm off and fell back asleep cuddling my cell phone. All is good though. Real life doesn't always match lists. I just need to make adjustments sometimes. So for the workout I missed yesterday I decided I can just go for 90 minutes for a couple of days and just add the numbers up.

Today was good. I would have said great if I could wake up on time. But I had a real good workout. I did 35 minutes of a workout dvd and walked on the treadmill for an hour. My total for today is:
95 minutes
60 minutes @ target heart rate
Burned 1054 calories
Consumed 1665 calories

I'm happy with these numbers. I also cooked one meal as promised. Lentils for dinner. Also walked my doggy. I'm off to bed in an hour so I'm not doing bad with the hours today. I won't be able to get up at 7 am may be but I can do 8 am.

I'm kinda worried about my knees. They hurt not so lightly after my workout today. I iced both of them for 20 mins and rubbed with the gel I'm suppose to. They don't hurt anymore. But I might have to go easy on them tomorrow. Not sure what I'll do yet. We'll see.

Oh I also am forcing myself not to step on the scale until saturday, my regular weigh in day. It's so difficult! It's like the scale is calling me all the time, lifting up her skirt, showing some leg, trying to trick me into self-inflicted torture. But I am stronger than her. I will not fall for her games. Good luck to me
and
Good luck to you my friends!

MONDAY - SUNDAY

2010-04-19T15:45:00.004+01:00

I lost only 0.5 lbs this week. I'd have thought I'd be sad/upset about it but I'm not. That's half a pound I'm not taking back. I'm actually smiling writing this. I believe this is an improvement of my attitude towards myself. So I'll take my half a pound loss and own it. May be I should admit part of this new attitude comes from the fact that I feel like I lost more than that. My body feels even better. People also keep commenting I've a lot of energy, can't keep still. I'm just moving all the time. Sitting at my desk right now writing this, my legs are moving up and down like a maniac. I love it.

Last week I did good. But I didn't do what I should have. Soon I'll be working on a job and won't have this much time (probably ever) again. I need to use it to it's full advantage. So I made a list. May be I should make a list every week. We'll see. But here it goes: ( Inspired by Dr. Mo, she is celebrating her Birthday Week ♥ )

1 Go to bed at 10pm - light out at 11pm

2 Get up @7am

3 Workout at least 60 minutes all 7 days

4 Walk the dog myself both mornings and nights

5 Cook one meal of the day myself

6 Have a new post at least 5 days out of 7

7 I reserve the right to add or remove to/from this list any time
during the week

One Day You're Fine Next Day You're Not

2010-04-14T15:08:00.002+01:00

Thanks everyone for your comments about the painting. Mama loves you too :)

Yesterday was not so okay. I managed to go on the treadmill for 45 minutes and every minute of it was torture. I got through it but really wanted to do more. Just didn't happen. I also ate more than I wanted to. I find it way too hard to resist the food cooked for the rest of the household. Yesterday mom cooked this amazing white rice pilav with lots and lots of butter. That smell could choke me in a second, so I ate 2 cups worth of it. Overall my daily total was up to 2000 calories.

I don't exactly feel guilty. A little worried about the weigh in though. Am I gonna have to go through this every week? I have 3 full days before it's time to step on that scale. I won't be able to workout tomorrow. It's not really that big of a deal. Not this part at least. But hell my appetite is acting up. I don't know how to control this...

Today this "hungry" feeling is stuck in my mind. I mean it's gotta be in my mind. Because I've been eating what I'm suppose to. All my proteins, carbs, fat are at my target range. I'm not starving myself and trust me I cannot not eat. It's so frustrating! I wanna eat all the time!

At least I'm done with workouts for today. I finished Last Chance Workout and had a 30 minutes on the treadmill right after. 747 calories burned. Let's hope I won't end up eating it all back.

I'm going to see a movie tonight with J. I'm really excited about the film. Yet I have a new problem. I've been going to bed so early lately and this movie is at 9.30 pm. I'm hoping to keep awake the whole movie *fingers crossed* We also have tickets for the next morning (11am). Seriously I'll miss my sleep. I'll have to suck it up I guess. I love film festivals and I picked these films cos I wanted to see them bad. Why am I turning this simple thing into something so complicated? I should just try to relax about this scale business. I have to.

WHO KNEW I COULD LIKE MONDAYS!

2010-04-12T17:08:00.001+01:00

I worked out both days over the weekend. Do you have any idea how awesome I feel! If I could I would be doing back flipsall day long. My energy level is definitely up. So is my mood. I'm smiling more. Less angry. More patient. I don't "hate" everything as much... I see colors and brightness everywhere I look. I hope this feeling will not ever go away.

These lovely flowers blong to my mother. Have I told you she is an amateur painter. She picked up painting a few years ago, although she had talent all her life. It's never too late for anything.

Ok I have to confess something. Saturday night wasn't so good. S told me something that really hurt me. I know he didn't mean to but still.. that dark cloud didn't go away till the next day and it didn't go away fo easy. I don't wanna get into details. Because it's gone and I don't wanna make it into something more than it is. I feel great now and that should be what really is important.

Guess what! I had another 2-workouts-in-a-day! Went for my morning walk with J. YAY! I like walking with her. Oh, she told me she lost 2lbs this week!! She's trying to lose 18lbs total. Will I get to see the day when I need to lose only 18 pounds? Is that day ever gonna come really? I guess it has to.

Back to workouts. See the "s" at the end, means multiple! Hah love it! This morning when the hour was up I walked J to the bus (well it's not really a bus I don't know what to call it in English) said goodbye and walked home. Which made my total 96 minutes and burned 1041 calories! In the afternoon I also had another session of Last Chance Workout with my favorite trainer Jillian Michaels :) So totay my total is:

136 minutes (125@target heart rate)
1424 calories burned

I have to admit I ate more than meant to though. I had 1700 calories total. But come on do the math! I think I did good. Considerin I still have a million muffins sitting in the kitchen right now.

Have a wonderful week people! I ♥ you all!

WHO'S HUNGRY?

2010-04-12T16:26:00.005+01:00

This was lunch. I realize the the frozen cordon bleu isn't the best choice. But I'm already having chicken breast for dinner so let me have this one. That pasta sauce actually looks a lot better live. (I should take out my real camera and keep it ready for these.) 1/2 tbs olive oil, 3 garlic cloves, 3 tomatoes and 3/4 cups of fresh spinach, black pepper... heaven!

Now the muffins. I was suppose to make Banana Chocolate Chip Muffins I've found on Spark people (here is the link) last week. Each 92.2 calories, 0.6g fat!!! So I made them today. I first had to make apple sauce as we don't really have them ready in the markets here. Or if we do I have no idea where to find it. Glad to find out it's very easy to make. Smell so goooood! I gotta make some more soon just to use them on top of anything. Mom also is a fan. Next time I'm not gonna use any in the muffin but add some on top while serving.

I bought some paper muffin cups yesterday. Super cute and about a $1 for 50. Or that's what I remember. But when I put them on the tray by themselves, meaning nothing to hold them in place, my muffins didn't look like muffins at all. But who cares. They turned out yummy. I put a little too much banana may be but hey I love banana! I cut back on the chocolate chips (by 1 tbs) and add walnuts instead. They taste a lot better than they look, I promise! Unfortunately dad didn't like them just because they have apples in. I don't understand that guy. How do you not like apples?? Especially with cinnamon!

Last but not the least meet my dinner! I realize I ate almost the same things for lunch too. But when I like something I abuse it. This time I abused chicken breast, spinach, tomatoes and garlic. If I'm gonna abuse something I can't think of anything better right now.

By the way I don't have that constant hunger anymore. I feel good. I have more energy than ever. I enjoy every single bite of every meal. And that is great news to me :)

OOPS...

2010-04-09T14:13:00.002+01:00

So turns out I was suppose to weigh in tomorrow!! Which gives me an extra day. But with all the heartbrake of last week and working my butt off (I worked out a total of 345minutes this week) I thought I had to weigh in today! So I did. Guess what? I lost 4 lbs! If I had the energy I would be screaming off the top of my lungs this morning. I'm so relieved and happy. I was sick with paranoia :) It's all gone though. I will step on my lovely scale tomorrow morning too. Not that I think there will be a change in a day. But you never know. Plus I wanna see my new weight again. 211. Isn't it sweet. 12 more pounds and I'll be kicking 200s goodbye for everrr ☼ I'm also getting a haircut when I exchange "2" for a "1" soon man very soon!!

Did you notice I'm getting obsessed with numbers. Don't worry I'll lose track soon. Never been good at keeping up with them. Who cares! I lost 4 pounds!! And a special thank you to everybody who was impressed by my calorie burn yesterday :) You really motivate me to do more.

So on that note I did go for my morning walk. It was so difficult though. I really didn't want to. (Not because of the weight loss) I couldn't sleep half the time I was in bed last night. I am a chronic insomniac. Not gonna bitch about it today though. I still got up on time. left the house 20 minutes late. Cos really didn't want to go. Even when I was at the place I kept thinking I can just quit. The whole time! I feel exhausted listening to myseld. I ended up holding on to everything I've got and finished my walk. 72 minutes. 61 mins @ target heart rate. Burned 716 calories! I am so glad I didn't give up. It doesn't happen to me that often. But I guess things are changing.

My legs are also very very tired. The two workouts yesterday did the trick, which made it even more annoying to walk this morning. I'm not gonna pretend it was torture but it was very annoying. When I was able to drag myself out of the house I kinda hoped I would do another round of Last Chance Workout with my (one of) celebrity crush Jillian Michaels. I just don't think I have the strenght to pull that of today. Definitely tomorrow morning though before I meet my sexy lover. Yeah don't worry I do mean my boy friend. I don't employ any extra lovers on the side at this moment. May be my dog. But she doesn't count. She is not into commitment.

The kitchen is invaded by our cleaning lady and mom. They are cooking enough food for an army. Apparently mom's gonna be too busy over the weekend, so all the food should last till monday. If I can find a little break from them I'm going for those muffins today. I hope the recipe is perfect cos I'm not a magician in the kitchen. Will report to you. Have a great Friday everyone ☺

TWICE IN ONE DAY

2010-04-08T19:42:00.005+01:00

I burned a total of 1152 calories today! I'm so freaking proud! I already wrote about my Last Chance Workout here. Later I also went up on the treadmill for 70minutes a little over 4 miles. I was amazed out of the 70 I was walking at my target heart rate for 61 minutes! So some numbers in totals:

Workout: 108 minutes
@THR: 92 minutes
Calories burned: 1152
Calories eaten: 1600

I know 1600 is higher than what I should have eaten. But come on this was the first day in my life I had two workouts in one day! I have to keep this up until I find a job and my time will be very limited. Tomorrow I'll go for my morning walk at the "usual" spot. I really hope it'll become my usual spot for my usual morning walks. And may be even running by next year or so *fingers crossed* If J can make it she'll come with. But she is seriously lacking sleep trying to finish some projects for school.

I didn't make any muffins. Actually I remembered I don't have enough tray for 16 muffins. But I'll play with the recipe (I really hope tomorrow) and make may be 12. Have to visit the future in-laws ASAP so I won't have to think about it for a few weeks. I kinda miss them too. I do. I just can't stand the father-
n-law. I might tell you why some other time.

If anyone read the comments on my yum post, Steph mentions a thai 7 spice. Thank you dear. I'm not sure I can find it in Istanbul. I'm guessing some market has it I would need to look for it though. I love mixed spices. Turkey is a little crazy about spices also. I remember having a piece of bread with goat cheese and a ton of mixed spices for breakfast. It's actually still my favorite thing with some black tea if I can't eat anything when I get sick. My only problem is I get thursty way too much! On an ordinary day if I don't workout, don't eat anything crazy etc I drink 12 glasses of water. Now imagine I eat some black pepper on my chicken it goes up to 15! All my life. There is nothing wrong with it. I'm just made up of water I guess. So I'm also scared of spices. Why did I just share that I have no idea. Cos I'm just gonna go and find that thai 7 spice seasoning or just mix it up myself. Can make some adjustments if I mix it myself. May be cut back on the salt. I'm very sleepy right now :) Can you tell? Feels like I've been thinking in writing.

So I'm out. Gotta walk my lovely doggy and go to bed with my book. Oh you haven't met my little girl yet have you? Here is a preview of my Snow White. Isn't she gorgeous! Yes she knows it too ♥

LAST CHANCE WORKOUT

2010-04-08T13:09:00.002+01:00

Tomorrow is weigh in day! So I decided to give the Biggest Loser Last Chance Workout another try. If you can remember I actually tried it before and couldn't do the last circuit because I felt exhausted very quick. I actually didn't write this but I almost did throw up like I see most of the contestants in the show do. It felt horrible. But today was a different story. I made it till the end. Didn't throw up. Didn't feel sick at all. I felt great. I burned 400 calories and 31 minutes out of the total 38 min of the workout I was working at my target heart rate! WOOHOO

So I'm planning on doing this everyday or every other day depending on my schedule for a couple of weeks then may be change it up a little. We'll see what I might decide.
I should talk about the video a little I guess. It is FUN! I'm a huge Biggest Loser fan. Consider this the show doesn't air in this country and I've seen all the seasons every single episode! and Jillian Michaels! I adore her. I have every DVD and book of hers. Don't get fooled just cos I've spent the last year being lazy. I have it all and I'll work with all of them. May be change it up every two weeks or a month. Don't know yet.

Back to the Last Chance Workout. All the moves are basic. Nothing too difficult. Well I have knee issues so had to alternate a couple. But other than that there is nothing you can't do whatever your fitness level is. The pace is way up! 30 seconds intervals. 30 sec of little cardios to increase your heart rate like jumping jacks etc and 30 sec for strength training. You just keep moving. No time to get bored. Of course the music is awful. But you can use your own after a couple of times when you need to listen to what Jillian is saying.

I love all the Biggest Loser contestants in this video. They are not robotic and looking perfect. I even have their personalities during the workout. I feel good, not really intimidated or annoyed by their working out which can happen with other workout videos where you have to watch professionals with amazing bodies completing every move with a huge grin on their faces.

The video also have clear warm up and cool down sections. There is a section of recommended weekly workouts for a six weeks plan. You just pick the day you're on and it plays for you. So you can actually go for 6 weeks without needing to change up for a different video. I find that very helpful.

I also have to admit something here. Because of my arrhythmia problems I cut off 5 seconds at the end of some intervals to breath and rest. But 5 seconds of rest is fine I belive. It made me finish the whole thing and not have a heart attack (kidding about the attack). I'm gettin stronger though. So who knows I might be able to skip resting soon. So overall this is one of my favorite workout DVDs. I love it. I would give it 9/10.

YUM

2010-04-06T19:16:00.003+01:00

Chicken breast is one of the most boring foods out there. But I was trying to write down some easy recipes for when I need to I wouldn't have to search. I found a chicken marinade recipe which was soooo simple but the result is "how can this be just chicken breast?" So delicious and it smells like heaven. Just some garlic, thyme, black pepper and lemon juice. It's like magic! The photo is not so nice sorry about that. But I made this same chicken two days in a row and I'm having it again tomorrow. Cooked some scallions next to the chicken for a couple of minutes too. Together whit some tomotoes I love it! I never knew it was so easy to make something so plain and boring taste so fabulous (yes I'm using the word fabulous I love the word too).

I wanna make some muffins tomorrow may be. I mean may be tomorrow or thursday. I found this great recipe on Spark People, 92 calories per muffin! How can I resist that. Well I can't. The recipe is for 16 muffins though. I can't have that many at home or the weigh in will be ruined on friday. So I might take half of it to boyfriend's parents. They live on the next street to ours. I haven't visited for a few weeks and his father gets all "I thought you forgot about us" if I don't show up every other week. I hate that. I can't act all cool and cute about it. It's not in my nature. So muffins will give me an excuse to over there and be nice.

Can't wait to weight in! I'm both excited and scared.What if I didn't lose anything again! What if I lost? HUH! If I lose some I think I'll be more calm next week. I'm just stressing because of last friday. I think. I hope. It'll be fine though, won't it? I'm really working on it. I will lose sooner or later.

BURN BABY BURN

2010-04-05T12:00:00.003+01:00

Hello Hello Hello! The very first day of the week started not so bad at all. Well... I was suppose to meet J for our second morning walk at 8am. And I was at the spot right on time, which wasn't that easy for me I have to admit and I was a little stressed out to make it on time. So I get there. The weather is perfect. Had my morning phone call with my boyfriend (I'm gonna call him S from now on). I'm feeling good and ready. J wasn't there yet though. I give her a call to see where she's at. Sursprise surprise she was in bed. Couldn't wake up apparently. Yeah I'm not gonna get pissed. The whole morning getting ready I kept thinking what if she is still asleep. But I didn't wanna call her and make it a habit of us calling each other to check every single time we do this. I'm not big on trying to say "ok I'm up just hang this phone up so I can get ready" in the morning. So at that point I had to suck it up and not pull my spirits down when I was at this beautiful place and ready to have my walk.

So I ended up walking alone. I have to say It was pretty nice. My only problem was I forgot to take a hat with me and the sun was in a mean mood, which is good. I miss the Sun when it's hiding behind big big clouds. Look at my view for the walk. One of those places you can't stop telling yourself "I love this city." I walked for 85 minutes! 74mins @ target heart rate!!! and burned 900 calories! That's awesome, dont you think ;) I feel great. I have a feeling that scale will be sorry at the end of the week for what it's done to me last friday.

Got some new pics for ya. This little girl was a little too friendly with me. But I had to tell her I'm taken! I wanted to play with her so much. But I met her in the middle of my walk so couldn't really stop and let my heart rate go down. She did attempt to follow me for a while, gave up quick. I wasn't the lazy one this time! YAY for me!

You know last time I had this walk it was at 9am. I surprised to see there were even more people today even though it wasn an hour earlier. A lot of dog walkers! I wish my little doggy liked to walk. We could have more fun together. Anyways of course I love her "just the way she is" :)

New Shoes Are Better Than a New Car

2010-04-02T15:40:00.000+01:00

Today was a weigh in day and if my scale is still alive it's only because I can't afford a new one! Still waiting on that period bs to come in. It's been knocking on my door but no show for some reason. I have horrible horrible cravings. But the worst of it all... after two weeks of eating carefully, on target and working out my scale informs me that I gained half a pound!!! That little brat is so lucky to be alive, cos there are things I wanna do to it only serial killers can imagine! I do feel and look blothed, which is giving that "fuck it I'm gonna binge" feeling. I'm resisting so far. Thank God it's friday so I'll spend two whole days uninterrupted with my boyfriend. He had a stressful day at work too. We both need some sunshine and frozen yoghurt :)

I can't affor a new scale cos I just bought these babies from New Balance. My first pair. Always wanted one but there are not cheap at all. My father paid for them, otherwise I would have never gotten this good a pair. So thanks dad. I don't really know if I deserved the shoes but I sure needed them. They also make me feel better about that scale incident. Because I am working on my eating and exercise. Sooner or later that scale has to show some magic numbers. It will happen and I'll be damned if I give up now! I walked from the shop back home. 32 minutes. If I can get rid of my cramps I'll also do yoga later. Whatever happens I'll be fine.

WALK BABY WALK

2010-04-01T20:25:00.003+01:00

For the first time today I woke up early to go for a walk! I live in Istanbul and there is a beautiful trail for walkers and bikers, etc by the sea 10 minutes from my home. So one of my best friends asked me to go for a walk yesterday and I said "yeah why not" Of course I regreted it by this morning. It was torture to wake up at 7:45 when I "couldn't" sleep because I couldn't put down my book. Well torture or not I did get up. Had my regular breakfast. I can't function without breakfast, so I don't have a problem with eating early, which I think is pretty lucky.

So this photo is from this morning. I'm the ugly one on the right :) I don't think I'm ugly but hell this pic is not my best. Not that I look that good in any pics. The lovely lady on the left is J. Her mother was the nurse asisting my birth!! We go that far back! She is the reason I burned over 800 calories today before my mother or my dog even woke up.

So there wasn't any sun around but the weather was still beautiful and fresh. Seeing so many people walking, running around also gives you a sense of belonging. I find that a little surprising. A happy one. We had our headphones on but still chatting and giggling of course. We walked for an hour and 16 minutes. J has a strange foot problem and she was having some trouble. We were getting tired too. But we'll try to build it up slowly. 10 minutes each time may be. Hoping to go for 3 days a week.

My parents were a little jealous. I really hope they'll come with next time. Monday. They can walk with their own pace and it's all about moving a little. And that morning air is like a drug! I always say it. Early morning is my favorite time of the day and I want it to be addictive.

I also did a 25 minute yoga session yesterday. But couldn't really hold on to it. Quit in the middle. It was a new video and too much work on the knees. Obviously I can't be on my knees and couldn't figure out an alternative and got exhausted pretty quick. I'll go for an old video tomorrow. Yoga for Weight Loss by Gaiam. I used to love that one. It doesn't have too much work on the knees which is great. I did good with food yesterday but today I was a very bad girl. My weapon of choice was McDonalds. I didn't even like it. I ended up eating 800 over my daily limit. I'm not gonna kill myself over it. It's done. Not gonna happen tomorrow. I'm over it. Tomorrow I'm buying new running shoes though! That will be my desert!

I also did the Virtual Me thing :) I find it a little funny a little hopeful a little troubling, but whatever.
Before 234lbs - After 150lbs

An Update and a Thank You

2010-03-30T22:04:00.000+01:00

Thank you to all of you who commented or just read my last entry. I guess it sounded like I was miserable but I am not. I love supporting my boyfriend and discussing his workouts most of the time. But then again there are those days... Yesterday was one of them. Thank God today is not! I feel like I'm on a roller coaster sometimes. Hopefully my better days are growing in numbers when the bad ones are shrinking in size. I am very thankful for all your support. You put a huge smile on my face and pushing me harder to do better the next day. So here is what I did the last couple of days:

Monday: eaten: 1,515 calories / 196carbs / 38fat / 101protein

The Biggest Loser Last Chance Workout (-the last circuit)

burned: 401 calories / total: 38 minutes / 18min. @target heart rate

Tuesday: eaten: 1,556 calories / 205carbs / 33fat / 111 protein

Walk on Treadmill

burned: 566 calories / total: 55 minutes / 31min. @target heart rate

Trying to cut back on calories is tough. But I know it will get down slowly. I still can't get over the "hungry." As long as I'm not eating more than 1600 I'll deal with it. I really hope to get 6 days of workouts this week. Even if it's a short workout I'm gonna get my butt off this chair and move. I'm hoping for a second run with the Last Chance workout tomorrow. It was very hard. The intensity is wow! I might need to take a few breaks for a minute or so... but I'll do the whole thing and not skip the last circuit this time. There is nothing too difficult in it. Just need to get used to the high intensity. and I will. I will do it.

My Boyfriend at the Gym & I'm Not

2010-03-29T14:31:00.002+01:00

I woke up to a gloomy, rainy monday morning. I don't actually have to go out today, so I'm not gonna make a big deal out of it. Still hoping for sunshine tomorrow! I had a very nice, relaxing weekend. Spent both days with my boyfriend. We rarely get to see each other over the week, so the weekends are strictly for "us" time. and I wanna tell you why.

My boyfriend (actually fiancee and bestfriend) works at the treasury department of a major bank in our country. Not all treasury departments work the way, but his is a little demanding on time. He works an average of 12 hours 5 days a week. His work starts at 7:30am and he usually works till 7:30pm. This is almost like the opposite of my life right now as I currently don't have a job.

So what does he do when he leaves his job and sitting in traffic for at least half an hour (if he is lucky) he goes to the gym! He is (not professional but he gets ask to go pro all the time) is a body builder. Not one of those drug pumped weirdos. He works 1.5 to 2 hours 6 days a week! He eats on schedule what he has to and takes care of himself perfectly. Of course when he's out of the gym by 10pm he is tired and still has to get ready for the next day and has to get up around 6am. Oh he also does cardio at work gym a couple of times a week which means he has to be there by 6 o'clock. Yes he looks perfect. I love it. Then I hate it.

He works so hard that I can't even imagine doing it myself ever. Then at lunch I'm the girl sitting across from him tears in my eyes because I really want that cheeseburger. (I'm a food-addict, emotional eater) He just looks at me with those understanding eyes, holds my hand, smiles at me and says "Have you cheeseburger. I just want you to be happy." But I'm not happy! I can't be happy when I know what he has to go through to take care of himself and I'm sitting at home all day and most days not even manage to get a single workout in.

This is not what happened this weekend. But it happened a million times before. This weekend I was confident and in control of my appetite. It was quiet nice. I didn't have a food realted freak out this whole week really. I've been feeling good and I'm blaming for this blog for feeling good and all of you :)

But we had a fight on saturday. He was telling me about this guy coming up to him at the gym and commenting on my boyfrend's morning cardio sessions "It's good you have time I just don't" is what the guy told him. Of course he had no idea about bf's schedule,etc. And my baby gets real mad at people like that. He doesn't really jodge that they don't do the work he just gets mad that they assume he has it easy. I have to also tell you we are both very bad tempered people. So bf was pretty mad (now I know he didn't realize how mad he sounded at the time) so I was telling him "everybody has different expectations from their days so if he is staying up late cos he's watching tv even that means he doesn't have time to him. He doesn't know anything about you." etc But bf thought I was on the guy's side, which when you think about it doesn't make sense. But it turned into a whole big thing. Whatever in the end everybody calmed down and we had a very nice weekend. The fight is forgotten. But soemthing did remain.

I don't really care about that guy. I don't care about anybody else for that matter. I just couldn't tell him I feel horrible cos I slept late that morning and didn't even get a 15 minute workout. I worked on my hair and make up for an hour but not my body. If I told him he wouldn't really know what to say and sometimes he says "But it's different you're not him" But that guy was at the gym! Did I even workout the day that conversation took place?? I can't stand him talk about his workouts, his perfect dieting habbits. It is a big part of his life and it is very important to him. But I can't stand it!! I feel like a loser every time. ıf this feeling will ever go away please please please hurry up and get gone. I don't want to get lost in my dark clouds every time my love shares his passion with we.

2nd Day: Feeling Pretty Good

2010-03-25T22:27:00.001Z

I realized I didn't write my current weight yesterday, so here we go
Current weight: 215lbs

Today was a success! Not exactly how I planned it but I'm proud of myself! I got a little report for you!
calories: 1474 / carbs: 189 / fat: 42 / protein: 88
workout: 60 minutes on treadmill (run total of 5 minutes)
46 minutes @ target heart rate!
burned 716 calories

Not bad! I don't know how long it has been since I consumed less than 2000 calories. Probably two or three months and that is a long time. I didn't get up early as I planned this morning. Cos I didn't really go to bed on time. One thing led to another and you know the rest. So I didn't have a morning yoga session. I'm a little particular about yoga. I want the house calm and quiet. When I open the window I want the fresh morning air filling up the room, etc. I'm gonna work on my sleeping schedule like a maniac though. Cos I will have to have a better structure soon when hopefully I get a job. And I need to fix it now cos first of all early morning is my favorite time of the day and I miss it. Also I do feel better when I can get up early like 7am. I'm hoping to be waking up at 6am next week! I really really want it. I can have my yoga and have walks in that beautiful fresh air and feel better about my day!

So about my rules for the week... I think I did pretty good on portion control. I cooked my own dinner (shrimps and pasta), had an eggwhite omlette for breakfast which was better than I thought (I'm really in love with egg yolk) probably the smoked turkey breast helped. I also did manage to eat every three hours which I find very difficult especially trying to limit your calories. Not that good on savoring may be but overall it was a great day!

I'm feeling tired after my workout. 716 calories burned isnt bad :D Now I gotta ice my knee, walk my doggy then go to bed with my book and get up a little earlier working towards that 6 am.

Goodnight to me =)

Day#1 The Beginning

2010-03-24T22:28:00.004Z

I honestly did not expect the support you've given me on my very first day! Thank you so very much! I've read a million different blogs today. Enjoyed most of them and my bookmarks are so crowded I don't know how to find my way, gotta organize a little.
I did not work out today. The main reason was because I went to bed so late last night and woke up late I wasn't feeling all that well. I have a little arrhythmia problem since birth and my heart doesn't play along unless I'm fully rested (regular sleeping schedule reguired). I'm going to bed as soon as I finish typing so I' planning on going for Weight Loss Yoga by Gaiam. I used to use that video so much. Loved it. Makes me feel good, strong, refreshed, calmer, more focused. Then I'll have a busy day running around in town, lots to do. We'll see how it goes.
I was hungry the whole day. Couldn't feeol comfortable whatever I ate. Might mean that my period is approaching fast. My skin is acting up too. I didn't binge or anything close to it. Had lots of veggies, especially artichoke yuummmmy! I gotta cook my own food though. I really am paranoid about the amount of fat used for the food cooked for the whole family. My parents doesn't really care for my struggle. No that's not true. They care but they have their own problems and food is just the bestest frend we all have. Well in theory at least. It's been a not-so-cute year. And it's safe to assume I inherited my easting habbits.

SO I decided to weigh in on Saturdays, so if I eat out over the weekend I won't freak out. I love eating out and if I go to the same few places I go all the time I'm safe. I can eat sensibly and enjoy my food. But you never know.

This week I will try to work on my portion size. No wait a sec I have this blog so I won't try this and that but I will do! So I'll practice 1)portion contol 2)savoring my food 3)eating every three hours

Good luck to me =D

Professional Procrastinator

2010-03-23T20:53:00.000Z

All my life I've been afraid of failure yet didn't realize till a few weeks ago. I stopped myself from taking steps so I wouldn't fail. Always afraid to try, not taking risks when I needed to, watching others reach their goals from a distance. For a long time I thought I wasn't losing weight because of my relationship with my parents, my boyfriend, not having a girlfriend, past abuse from my childhood etc etc etc. Not I think I'm using w,my weight as an excuse to not do anything, not try. I am the fat girl. I am the girl with problems whatever they are. I just wanted people to see me as that girl I guess. But honestly I don't believe that's what they see. It's only me. I'm abusing myself because I'm too scared to fail.
This all is about to change. This time I feel geniunly honest with myself. That's why I decided to keep a blog about my weight loss journey. I am hoping to feel the responsibility of taking care of myself stronger than ever.
Tomorrow is Day#1. 283 days to 2011. We'll see how it goes.