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September 21, 2010

Just Bad News and Nothing More



I've been losing it, yet it's not fat or weight or inches or anything like that. It's not going better, it's only getting worse it seems. So many things happening yet nothing really is. I keep thinking all day I should blog and write about this and that and it would feel better after I get it all out. I'm not doing that either. I'm suffocating. That is exactly how I feel. A few bloggers have been complaining about now wanting to write about the negative all the time and that feeling keeping them from writing. I feel just like them. It's only negative. Well... of course it can't be all, but it certainly feels that way.

This week I found out a cousin of mine has... this is so difficult for me. This is the very first person to have... in either side of the family. Naturally I didn't expect anyone to ever have it. Damnit. Cancer. I haven't said it out loud yet. I don't want to. She is not just-a-relative to me. We shared the same room for may be 4 years when I was about 4-8. Her family lives in another city and my mum brought her to live with us while she was studying in college. Probably helped her get into one too I just don't remember and didn't care cos those years mean something entirely different to me than studying. She is like my half sister. I possibly thought she was for a while. She has a five-years-old daughter now. And that is her biggest fear. Leaving her daughter. I just can't bare the thought. She is having surgery on Monday. Then we'll know exactly what is going on. There is a change it is more than one place. It might have spread already. Or the rest is unrelated. Will know soon. She says she is scared. I hate to hear that. I am scared too. I don't want to be. I don't want anyone to be scared. I just want it all better already. Why can't it be all better already!

My grandma is also not so good. She came back last week. It was all good until yesterday. She told mum that she thinks she is pregnant. My grandma thinks she is pregnant and it is so not funny. She thinks the baby is my father's! She told mum that she would try to poison the baby so it'll go away. Mum is freaking out. We are both worried she might hurt herself. Mum asked me not to tell anyone so I'm telling you. I don't think she should feel embarrassed but she does. You can't help it, I guess. We haven't told dad cos what the hell would he feel or do about it. So strange. Mum went to see her neurologist this morning. The doc told her that is was OK, it was just and episode and it will go away. Prescribed some pills. If they don't change something by next week we'll try a new one. I think the stress of staying with my aunt might have something to do with it. Apparently my aunt was tucking her in every night and giving her a goodnight kiss until one day grandma told her she was missing my mum and wanted to come back. After that grandma cried herself to sleep every night. Don't get me started on my aunt and her twisted family. You get the picture!

I still don't have a job. Owe major money to someone. Haven't managed to graduate yet. Don't have a job. Am not losing shit. Money is so tight I wanna just sleep through my life. I am sick of it all. I am sick of myself at the moment.

I made a schedule for the next two months. Workout. I'll write about it tomorrow. I promise. At first I meant to take a break from blogging. Like that would help anything. I should just write more often. Found some new blogs too. Who invented blogging? I love them. I admire them.

14 comments:

JourneyBeyondSurvival said...

Oh River. So so sorry. I know that it helps me to write/blog/be heard. I hope that is the case for you, because then I can help.

You are amazing.

MB said...

Sometimes it seems like the bad news is never going to stop coming at you but it will. I hope things start looking up soon. Hang in there, it will get better.

Glam,Glitz&Gut said...

Things will get better and until they do, try to find a positive somewhere in there. Hugs! <3

baygirl32 said...

hang in there kiddo, what doesn't kill us makes us stonger (or so they tell me)

Queen of the Rant said...

You cannot think like this for long-snap out of it-they need you and need you to stay positive or else they will not do it themselves-give it a day or two and then get back in the saddle! We are here for you!

Sandra said...

I'm here from the comment that you left over at Queen of the Rant: your answer: Go Gay! made me laugh, so I just had to come here and see what you were all about.
I have to say, it's your blog, and if you need to vent, then by all means, you vent. People will read (and honestly, nobody likes Mary Fucken Sunshine...I'm just sayin'...)

Patrick said...

Hi River. Sorry to hear the unfortunate news of your cousin and your grandma's sturggle. Will keep them in my prayers and hope both find better days soon.

Things are difficult it seems for you at the moment. Wish I had a magic wand to wave and help those troubles mend. If you can, please do visit us more. If nothing else maybe we can bring a smile to your face, uplift you and just listen to you if you prefer. We're here for you.

By the way, got a pun for you, I apologize in advance as it is a bit lame, but it is what i got at the moment :-)

An elephant was drinking out of a river one day, when he spotted a turtle asleep on a log. So, he ambled on over and kicked it clear across the river.

"What did you do that for?" Asked a passing giraffe.

"Because I recognized it as the same turtle that took a nip out of my trunk 53 years ago."

"Wow, what a memory" commented the giraffe.

"Yes," said the elephant, "turtle recall".

Amanda said...

I'm sending a blog award your way. Check out my page for your award!

Rapunzel said...

(((River))), I am so sorry you're having a tough time. I have been there, done that with many of the troubles you're experiencing. I know that doesn't "fix" anything but rest assured that you are strong enough to get to the other side!

In the meantime, your blogger friends are only an e-mail or post away. xoxoxoxo

Putz said...

i love you, and it hurts me to see my love hurt>><>cancer can improve, so pray that it will><><>so i like being supportive of you, you are going to come out><>job wise things are hard for all.,. i am starting a new venture right here in utah; i would hire you on the spot if you were here,,,hang in there sweetee

Patrick said...

Did you hear what i sadi... An elephant was drinking out of a river one day...

Ok, I am just poking my nose in to see how you are doing. Well I hope.

Gözen said...

baby girl i am so sorry. if you need me i am always here for you ok... i love you so much...

Putz said...

with your little heart above me as i type i have to say i hope i am worrying needlessly about you and that you are ok>>>>i wish you could come back here with me while all this pain dissapates>>>reread all your friends above and take heart that we are
all on your side, and i love the way gozen sid it baby girl i am so sorry if you need me ia ma always here for you ok..i love you so much you do have friends

Pinky said...

I'm so sorry honey. about everything. when things seem at their worst, just remember it really can only go up at some point. big hugs xxxx