Fear No More

I've got news. Let me tell you from the beginning.

On friday I went to my orthopaedist. He was surprised to see me because he thought my right knee was supposed to be in pretty good shape by now. He was right. So I told him what happened to my left knee. I said "I know this is not really what happened but it felt like my knee turned 90 degrees by itself and snapped back." He had a very worried look on his face and he asked me when that happened. I told him a month ago but he was at a seminar so I couldn't see him. Then I told him the pain came back a few weeks ago and it was horrible for 3-4 days. He did not like it.

Still I wasn't that worried anymore. Because I trust him so much I just knew everyhing was OK. Then he told me that "feeling" of the knee turning, yeah, that really happened. I got dizzy. How the hell does that really happen!! Ouch! The pain was bad but I can deal with pain. This thing is plain creepy and far from being natural.

The diagnosis was I tore my cruciate ligamen. The worst was him telling me I might need surgery. He didn't even have a hint of smile on his face which freaked me out even more. He sent me to get an MRI. At the hospital it was way too expensive. So he gave me a phone number. I called, told the lady my doctor gave me the number blah blah so they sent a driver to pick me up from the hospital! That was very very nice of them. I got over the MRI and I was waiting for my father to come pick me up. In 10 minutes they had written up the report and gave me back my results!  That was the cool part and I paid 1/4 of what I would have at the hospital. But I had to wait till the next day to show the report and the images to my doc.

Saturday comes. My boyfriend takes me to the hospital. We wait and wait (I didn't have an appointment we had to wait for an opening) I was about to lose my mind. I hate waiting for anything anyways. But this oh boy I wanted to kick something!

Finally I get in. He looks at the stuff I brought with me. He looks at me and says "you failed. couldn't tear the whole thing." Geez!!! I had a heart attack the first second but recovered quickly. He said the 70% of the ligament was fine. He was smiling again and I took a deep breath, it was gonna be alright afterall.

Now I have to keep sitting on my butt, resting the knee for 10 more days (no workouts of any kind at all) use ice 3 times a day, etc. I have to buy a kneepad. After the resting period, by the way it's so short because so lucky that I got sick in Ankara and couldn't workout, I will start walking very slowly. 1 km (0.62 miles) the first day very slow. Adding half a kilometer each day untill I get to my regular lenght, but need to keep it slower than I am used to and in a few months I can go full force again.

There is a weigh in coming up and I guess I'll be lucky if I don't gain anything. I'd been stressing over the knee and sitting on my butt all day I'm so bored!!! I wanna eat everyhting. Of course I won't. But well... I want to.

Forget about the food for a second though I almost had to go through surgery. I think I can survive 10 days of boredom =D

Beautiful Blogger Award

The rules: pass the award on to 7 bloggers and write 7 things about myself that you did not know!

Thank you Aylilth!!! Such a great encouragement!! =D I'm honored ♥
I'm trying not to cheat on this one. 7 things you don't know is though. Why am I finding this one so hard :) Let's just try.

1 - I'm Muslim

2 - I'm bi

3 - I have two tattoos

4 - I studied in California (Pitzer College) for two years then quit because I got very very depressed (I spent a lot of time with a shrink) possibly because I missed home but certainly not the only reason

5 - I'm not a friendly person (do not argue I know what I'm talking about)

6 - I used to be very skinny when I was a kid. So my parents took me to a million doctors and I started using medicine to up my apetite when I was 8 years old. You have seen the results that first piece of chain of things did.
7 - My biggest fantasy in life is to live in a country style house close to a cliff and a forest 10 minutes away from a little town and at most 2 hours away from a big city spending my days writing, taking after my millions of cats and dogs and all the rest, visiting my kids, and loving my husband.


Now time to pass this Beautiful Blogger Award on to 7 bloggers. I kinda want to name different people from my last award. If you haven't received it yet and would so kindly except it:

CJ
Jessica
Police Girl
SherRon
BAYGIRL32
Barlow Putz
Renée


xoxo -River

Surviving

I was supposed to post yesterday but waited till I would workout (no I didn't). It was getting late so I wrote some stuff then my internet connection got cut for some reason. So frustrating living without internet for even a couple hours. I depend on the internet for so many things it's insane. Reminds me what was up with the Biggest Loser Finale? They didn't let anyone speak and kept showing stupid videos of people "reminding" us what they've "gone through" at the ranch. It was my least favorite finale. But I would have been happy with any of them top 3 winning. I used to dislike Mike a lot in the beginning, the old days when he was into eliminating people who deserved to be there more. Now I think he is a grown up man again and he looks so hot!!! They all do. Yay! ((:

By the way Jillian looked hotter than anybody there or I'm just too into that lovely little lady.

I'm finally gonna see my knee doctor tomorrow. He had surgeries, etc all the week so tomorrow was the earliest date I could catch him. I'm very worried about it. This sudden and not-going-away-for-a-couple-of-days-pain in my left knee is scary and new. I really don't even want to think about it. It will be ok. Has to be.

I'm eating alright again. Having difficulty in going back to tracking my food though. I'm so bored of writing and seraching and adding and blah blah blah. I do feel safer with tracking my food so I need to snap out of this atittude and do the work. But seriously I've been good about portion control and this little plate is stuffed grape leaves with fat-free Turkish yoghurt. Last week I would have eaten at least twice as many and with lots of bread. But this was my lunch yesterday. I've been drinking a little too much sugar-free ice tea. I really need something to prevent me from feeling hungry. I'll be cutting back next week. Trying to listen to my body's signals. But the heat is also making me thursty and even in winter I drink about 12 glasses of water a day. Imagine how much liquids my body is asking for!! I'm a walking pool.

One thing I need to fix is my sleep schedule. I've been sleeping after the birds starts to sing and the sun is up. Today I'm seeing the effects. Feeling so tired and my eyes want to close asap. Good thing my doctor's appointment is at noon. I gotta get up early, meaning I can't just stay in bed untill I please. The procrastinator in me got to go on a vacation and leave me alone.

I also can't wait to do something other than light, weight training. I wanna walk again. I want my knees to behave and work with me. Feels like I'm paying for something, but I'm good at blaming myself for everything. Don't worry after spending days, weeks, months thinking on it I find out the truth and come to my senses. Well that might change as I decide to grow up some day.

I might be getting effected by all the shows ending the season and there have been way too many sad sad episodes. Yes I'm watching too much but hey I probably won't have time to watch any soon. But the weekend is coming!!!! We might see the last Shrek movie. We try to watch any 3D movies we can get. I could watch commercials for hours if they were in 3D =)

You know what? I'm already feeling a little better. I'm gonna have to do another post in a minute cos I recieved another award!!! HAH! Then I'll reorganize my wardrobe. I'm not happy with the current state. I'll remove some on the draw systems I'm using and re-arrange some stuff. I think I need to throw out some things and give away others. Yeah it's time already. I also need to catch up on reading blogs. I've read some and lacking commenting. Ayayyayyyy gotta move.

Luv u ♥

Back Home & In Trouble

 It's good to be back. It's time to face the reality. I gained 3.5lbs! That is huge! It's so huge that I wanna cut flesh off of my body to get rid of it right away! I'm so embarrasssed to come back after two weeks and tell you all this is what I did. I will go ahead and confess I binged three times the past 10 days. That is such a high number at this point. But I'm home now and don't have any excuses. I need to get back into the "healthy mind" already and get the numbers going down again.

I had fun though. I don't regret relaxing a little. I don't diet to just lose weight. I'm trying to turn everything I know and still learning into a life style. And in real life you do take vacations and gain a couple of pounds. You just come back to your daily routine and you lose that extra naturally. I admit if I don't lose it back in a week I'll probably have a different attitude. But it will be only because I would have disappointed myself. So we'll have some rules brought back this week if I don't want that happenning. The lazy in me needs to move out.

These rules to be followed for the next two weeks (mon 05/24 - sat 06/05)

1 - no sugar 

(fresh fruit only)

2 - min 5 servings of veggies & fruits

3 - no processed food or junk

4 - eat 1300-1600 calories

5 - limit fat

6 - do whatever workout I can 

(as long as my knees let me)

7- not gonna weigh in untill June 6

Of course there are nice things going on too. Like my mother did a major spring cleaning in my room. I don't think this room was ever this clean. I need to do some reorganizing but feels like the room is shining with pride! Mama is my hero of the month! (and probably all the other 11 months too)

I have to admit though the best part of coming home is my boyfriend. After so many years I still think it's a miracle that we ever met and became close friends, then finally fall in love... Oops I'm getting too emotional all of a sudden. I think catching up with Gray's Anatomy did some damage. What the hell was those last two episodes! Reminds me we still haven't seen the Lost finali. I did consider staying up till morning (was shown here same time as USA) but decided it was silly. I also download every episode then wait to watch it with my boy. We're hoping to watch it tomorrow evening if he is not too tired after his workout. So freaking excited!

I'm ending today's post with this lovely photo of Ivy with the little cat who found us on their backyard and adopted us all by himself! (I think he is a he but may be not) He kinda made us give him milk by drinking Ivy's coffee so casually and looking like enjoying it a lot. He joined us for dinner that day and disappeared the day after to reappear and even jumo in the car with us just the next day. Ivy tells me he still comes and goes and I fell in love with him so bad that I'm torturing my little dog evne worse now. She's fine yet but it's only cos she missed me too much. Next week she'll be hiding from me =) She is a free spirit! ♥

Ankara Update & We Even Have A Dog

Tonight Ivy's mother is coming back from her trip and our freedom is cut back a little. Ivy is cleaning the apartment inch by inch. Apparently her mother is getting obsessed with cleaning by the minute. I didn't realize that the other two times I visited them, but we'll see how bad it is. 

Ivy also has a little dog, Gypsy, who has been living with another family for a few years now. It's Gypsy with Ivy (and her cleaning outfit) on the photo I just took.We picked him up yesterday so he'll be spending some time with us till sunday afternoon. He has a vet appointment the next day so his stay will be short. He is making miss my little doggy. It's always nice to have a little pet in the house. They can make you smile more than you bargained for.

Before we went to pick up Gypsy we of course went to a Starbucks. While we were sitting there, having our drinks we could see a kebab restaurant on a lower level and we saw a woman butcher a meal. In Turkey one of the most popular items is an Iskender Kabab. I certainly love it. It's served as flat bread heated with butter, very thinly sliced meat in the middle, then some tomato sauce and sizzling butter on top with some Turkish yogurt on the side. You get the picture I'm guessing. It tastes like heaven and it even loves you back. This woman sat there and mixed it all up, cutting the meat even smaller, tossed everything upside down and turned that beautiful plate into baby food. I got angry at her. That's what I felt and I'm not sure if it bothers me that I had such a strong reaction. Ivy had deep disappointment in her face also.

I don't think she should be allowed to eat in public. You know a lot of bloggers talk about secret eating and feeling embarrassed eating in front of people. I don't see the point. We (yeah I'm assuming) respect the food, treat it well, love it, care about it. At least that's how I feel.

This is a high calorie day for both of us. Just letting you know. I feel guilty if I don't write it here. I still feel sick though. May be it's my fault for not resting enough. But I'm not here that often so I wanna enjoy my time with my friend and I should have a right to. Not being able to weigh in is also getting to me a little. Not that I'm worried about it. I just wish I knew what happened to my body all week. I'll be taking measurements again in 2-4 weeks. I haven't decided what would be best. I gotta see my calendar and plan this from now on. Planning is good for me. Even when I "fail" to keep up with a schedule or plan I still do better. I like order in my life. Not too much of it though :)

Now that we had some naughty food I'm craving a huge salad and loquats. Isn't it lovely! =)

P.S. This is my second post for the day. I did a little video blog also. I mention dinner in it so here is what I ended up having. (sorry about the messy plate) It is a sort of pasta salad. I have both chicken and tuna in it. (Don't ask me! I'm really scared to know what I'll crave when I get pregnant!) So we have some greens in it, peppers, corn, lots of seasoning (red pepper, thyme, mint) and turkish yogurt as dressing. It was a little hot and I loved it. Couldn't finish the whole thing, it turned out a little too big when I finished adding everything I wanted in. :)


Have a fabulous weekend!

My Second Award

So I got an email from Renée and she is giving me an award. I'm so honored to be even considered for it. So excited!! YAY =)

We have some rules obviously (see below). I am freaking excited so #1 is done. The second one is tricky. If I stayed 100% anonymous I'm guessing I would have picked option (b) in a heart beat. (a) sounds dangerous beyond all others. I tend to talk way too much and say a million times more than I should when I drink. So I did a vlog! (I hope the link is working or I'll fix it asap)

I'm suppose to pass this award onto 3 or more people. Unless they already received it, here is who I think should this award should also go to:

Kimbo
Erin
Ms. Chunky Chick
Patrick 
Cassandra
Al

(most of you don't have emails listed so I hope you'll read this if I can't find a way to contact you)
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 Rules:
1. Get really excited that you got the coolest award EVER!
2. Choose ONE of the following options of accepting the OMB award:(a) Get really drunk and blog for 15 minutes straight, or for as long as you can focus.
(b) Write about your most embarrassing moment.
(c) Write a “Soundtrack of your childhood” post.
(d) Make your next blog a ‘vlog’/video blog. Basically, you’re talking to the camera about whatever.
(e) Take a picture of yourself first thing in the morning, before you do anything else (hair, makeup, etc) and post it.
3. Pass this award onto at least 3, but preferably more, awesome bloggers as yourself. Don’t forget to tell them.