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July 01, 2010

Useless

 
I've been hiding inside my shell the past two weeks. I don't know why. But I sure am embarrassed about how I ignored this blog and others, I let go of my food tracking, may be even stopped caring for myself... I have been doing nothing. NOTHING!! Two whole weeks. Sitting at my desk, playing video games. I feel useless and absolutely miserable. I'm not sure what the hell happened to me. Let me tell you how it started though.

I spent most of sunday (two weeks ago) with J. I couldn't help be emotional all day. See I never wanted siblings although my parents asked me a few times. But if I could pick a sibling I would want J as my sister and noone else. Then again we sometimes go months without seeing each other. That doesn't matter. We will be there if one needs the other. Somehow I'm just not handling her going to New Jersey for the rest of the summer. I think not knowing when she will be back (cos she really doesn't know and might stay till the end of september) is making me uncomfortable. It feels like she won't be back. Ever. And there is a reason for that.

I studied in California for two years. Then I quit. The first year was all fun. I met some amazing people, had an absolutely awesome time. Second year is a different story though. I broke up with my longtime girlfriend. I started thinking I've already seen LA I just wanna be home. I got sick of the food. I started sleeping all day, up all night. Not partying! I'm not a partying type. I just lived like that. I missed the sun and that's a tough thing to do in Southern California!

I got depressed. I got so depressed that I couldn't wake myself up for days. I needed help for that. I had to see a shrink I seriously don't know how often. I got some pills priscribed that I never took. Everything was shit. Plain shit. I really really really wanted to be home. When I came back home that summer it took me two months to tell my parents that I didn't wanna go back. They wasted ridiculous amount of money so I can study in CA which I'd been telling them I wanted for so many years. Now I didn't wanna go back. So I stayed.

Damn! I don't wanna write about all this anymore. Sorry. I've been down and it's time to get back up already. I need to wake up already.

Thank you for all your support. I love you all. OK I love some of you a little more but I love you all! ♥

8 comments:

~Jessica said...

Welcome back :)

I think everyone has their own demons similar to yours... I hope things start picking up for you soon!

~*~Lilly~*~ said...

I certainly agree with Jessica. We all have our ups and downs! Come back when your ready & we will be here. :)

Patrick said...

River, no need to apologize. Situations like a friend being absent for an long period happen and these situations can take a toll on us mentally. We're human and being emotionally invested in someone is not a bad thing. Two weeks have gone by and you've been down and out a bit. If I may suggest, take a look at the bright side; it has just been two weeks. Some people take two months, or two years to stay down and out. Let me ask you something, well two things…

First, what do you want? That's too vague of a question, let me try again. What is it that you want to do or get into that will make you happy that you can realistically do today, tomorrow, or as far as a week out? Depression is not forever, it does not last, how soon it abates is up to you. So, if as you say need to wake up, then it is time to move past the current passive state you are in, find and start do that which will make you happy.

Second, stuffed grape leaves. I made them once and am no expert, not even a novice. A few years back I was taught by a friend's step-mother who is Turkish. She told me it is very important to place the leaf shiny side down and add the stuffing onto the non-shiny side. I forget why, but she made that so clear that I did not question it. Well a couple weeks ago I got into a chat about them with someone who claims to know how to cook them. They insisted it didn't matter. I stood my ground for the fun of debate and eventually I mentioned to her that I learned from someone who was Turkish. To which she said yes, that is how they do it in Turkey. She is Bulgarian. So, the second question, is stuffing grape leaves shiny part down a Turkish only custom? Either it is and I'll be surprised or she was pulling my leg and I fell for it hard.

Chin up River, we love your smile and we need you amongst us here :-)

Debbi Does Dinner Healthy said...

Glad to see you're back! Keep blogging! Even if it is depressing. My posts have been completely depressing and uninspiring, yet I still NEED to stick with it. Consider it therapy!

MB said...

I hope you start looking to the bright side soon. Take care of yourself and feel better.

Alan said...

We all fall down at times hun, but we can always get back up. I have been down most of my life and I still get up. You know I am always here if you need to talk to someone!

CJ said...

Some days are worse than others. Hope you start feelin better soon :)

Take care :)

Putz said...

hey hey hey>>>>>wish i could be there to hold your hand>>>but things will be okay>>>look at all the friends you have and you aren't hardley even trying>>>>give that dog of your who doesn't know how to pee a great big hug