Back Home & In Trouble

 It's good to be back. It's time to face the reality. I gained 3.5lbs! That is huge! It's so huge that I wanna cut flesh off of my body to get rid of it right away! I'm so embarrasssed to come back after two weeks and tell you all this is what I did. I will go ahead and confess I binged three times the past 10 days. That is such a high number at this point. But I'm home now and don't have any excuses. I need to get back into the "healthy mind" already and get the numbers going down again.

I had fun though. I don't regret relaxing a little. I don't diet to just lose weight. I'm trying to turn everything I know and still learning into a life style. And in real life you do take vacations and gain a couple of pounds. You just come back to your daily routine and you lose that extra naturally. I admit if I don't lose it back in a week I'll probably have a different attitude. But it will be only because I would have disappointed myself. So we'll have some rules brought back this week if I don't want that happenning. The lazy in me needs to move out.

These rules to be followed for the next two weeks (mon 05/24 - sat 06/05)

1 - no sugar 

(fresh fruit only)

2 - min 5 servings of veggies & fruits

3 - no processed food or junk

4 - eat 1300-1600 calories

5 - limit fat

6 - do whatever workout I can 

(as long as my knees let me)

7- not gonna weigh in untill June 6

Of course there are nice things going on too. Like my mother did a major spring cleaning in my room. I don't think this room was ever this clean. I need to do some reorganizing but feels like the room is shining with pride! Mama is my hero of the month! (and probably all the other 11 months too)

I have to admit though the best part of coming home is my boyfriend. After so many years I still think it's a miracle that we ever met and became close friends, then finally fall in love... Oops I'm getting too emotional all of a sudden. I think catching up with Gray's Anatomy did some damage. What the hell was those last two episodes! Reminds me we still haven't seen the Lost finali. I did consider staying up till morning (was shown here same time as USA) but decided it was silly. I also download every episode then wait to watch it with my boy. We're hoping to watch it tomorrow evening if he is not too tired after his workout. So freaking excited!

I'm ending today's post with this lovely photo of Ivy with the little cat who found us on their backyard and adopted us all by himself! (I think he is a he but may be not) He kinda made us give him milk by drinking Ivy's coffee so casually and looking like enjoying it a lot. He joined us for dinner that day and disappeared the day after to reappear and even jumo in the car with us just the next day. Ivy tells me he still comes and goes and I fell in love with him so bad that I'm torturing my little dog evne worse now. She's fine yet but it's only cos she missed me too much. Next week she'll be hiding from me =) She is a free spirit! ♥

Yawn

I haven't been able to sleep the last two nights. I mean I slept but I guess only enough to keep my body functioning. I feel so exhausted. I'm going to bed at 9pm with a sleeping pill tonight. I try not to take pills unless I feel like I'm drawning with the exhaustion, feeling dizzy all the time, no energy to go through the day... So I'm taking the pills two nights in a row and try to sleep on my own the next day.

I will however go for a walk by the sea tomorrow morning with J. I miss our walks so much! Especially being sick last week I got so bored. I hoped to walk on the treadmill today. Nothing too hard. Simple walk. Not happenning. I don't have the energy even a bit. I kinda wanted to skip posting but didn't want to have the guilt to build up.

I'll be going to Ankara, the capital, next week. At least I hope so. Because there is a job interview I have to but don't know when it'll be. (I want the job so bad!!!!!!!!!!!! I'll tell you about it later) I'm gonna be visiting my closest friend from college. Ivy. I hate that she went back home after the graduation! Her sister lives here and we are all here, but she is back home. I miss her so much! Are you reading this little missy?? We all miss you here! And you were suppose to come here on Fabruary. What happened?! Are you cheating on me now? I'll make you pay. Hold on. I'll be there in 7 days!

So about next week. We got some things to do with Ivy and some catching up obviously. J will also try to come towards the weekend if she can and if I stay that long. Nothing is certain yet. Another friend is also trying to come. But she needs to have a little corrective operation on her nose and her mother needs her with some stuff. So.. I don't know. We'll see who shows up. I don't mind the crowd, but I do prefer a couple of days I can be alone with Ivy.

Also there is the question of staying on track. Ivy has also some pounds to lose and she's been going to a gym everyday (I think) for awhile now. She is dieting also. But when two friends who love food so much come together things can get tricky. I hope it will not this time! But I asked her for one night of pizza and beer! I've been craving bad. And I'll do it one way or the other. So I thought I was a nice cheat for us to enjoy together. Making a movie night out of it. Hopefully we'll have worked out in the morning and burned some of the calories at least. I think we'll be celebrating the change of our lives' direction with the graduationg and looking for jobs, etc. (I don't wanna celebrate losing weight with food!)

I'm adding to this week's list:

8 - Nothing but yogurt after 6pm

9 - Get up at 7.30am every morning

SICK IN BED

So I was feeling down yesterday and woke up feeling worse this noon! I also couldn't sleep all that well the last couple of nights. I just keep waking up every hour or so, (I'm a chronic insomniac) which doesn't help with the way I'm feeling. I'm feeling stressed about not working out and to make matters worse I'm bout to get my period and my appetite is scary! So in summary: I'm all bloated, craving anything and everything, can't workout, have a headache, can't get out of the bed, bored, annoyed, stressed and losin my mind!

I've decided to skip the weigh in this week. Well I'm not stepping on that scale until I feel better and ready. I don't wanna make myself feel worse and fall off the wagon because I feel so weak.

I wanted to write about my weekend today but not happening. The computer is making my head hurt. Wish me luck people! I really need it. ♥

TUESDAY

So I'm gonna start with admitting yesterday was not good at all. I ate a little over my max limit but the real bad part was after making a list of things I had to do I didn't workout. Then I went to bed late and woke up at 11 am, turns out I turned the alarm off and fell back asleep cuddling my cell phone. All is good though. Real life doesn't always match lists. I just need to make adjustments sometimes. So for the workout I missed yesterday I decided I can just go for 90 minutes for a couple of days and just add the numbers up.

Today was good. I would have said great if I could wake up on time. But I had a real good workout. I did 35 minutes of a workout dvd and walked on the treadmill for an hour. My total  for today is:
95 minutes
60 minutes @ target heart rate
Burned 1054 calories
Consumed 1665 calories

I'm happy with these numbers. I also cooked one meal as promised. Lentils for dinner. Also walked my doggy. I'm off to bed in an hour so I'm not doing bad with the hours today. I won't be able to get up at 7 am may be but I can do 8 am.

I'm kinda worried about my knees. They hurt not so lightly after my workout today. I iced both of them for 20 mins and rubbed with the gel I'm suppose to. They don't hurt anymore. But I might have to go easy on them tomorrow. Not sure what I'll do yet. We'll see.

Oh I also am forcing myself not to step on the scale until saturday, my regular weigh in day. It's so difficult! It's like the scale is calling me all the time, lifting up her skirt, showing some leg, trying to trick me into self-inflicted torture. But I am stronger than her. I will not fall for her games. Good luck to me
and
Good luck to you my friends!

Professional Procrastinator

All my life I've been afraid of failure yet didn't realize till a few weeks ago. I stopped myself from taking steps so I wouldn't fail. Always afraid to try, not taking risks when I needed to, watching others reach their goals from a distance. For a long time I thought I wasn't losing weight because of my relationship with my parents, my boyfriend, not having a girlfriend, past abuse from my childhood etc etc etc. Not I think I'm using w,my weight as an excuse to not do anything, not try. I am the fat girl. I am the girl with problems whatever they are. I just wanted people to see me as that girl I guess. But honestly I don't believe that's what they see. It's only me. I'm abusing myself because I'm too scared to fail.
This all is about to change. This time I feel geniunly honest with myself. That's why I decided to keep a blog about my weight loss journey. I am hoping to feel the responsibility of taking care of myself stronger than ever.
Tomorrow is Day#1. 283 days to 2011. We'll see how it goes.