THIS IS AN OFFICIAL COMEBACK!

It's been a month since I posted!! That is such a long time. But first I wanna say thank you for all your support ♥ It is unbelievable how important it can be the support of people I haven't even met face to face :) You guys rock! Especially Patrick! Here is what he told me:
An elephant was drinking out of a river one day, when he spotted a turtle asleep on a log. So, he ambled on over and kicked it clear across the river.
"What did you do that for?" Asked a passing giraffe.
"Because I recognized it as the same turtle that took a nip out of my trunk 53 years ago."
"Wow, what a memory" commented the giraffe.
"Yes," said the elephant, "turtle recall".

Patrick, I have no words LOL I am that elephant though. Not in the size but the mind. I have no practical memory but I don't forget stupid stuff like that. I always wait for the moment I will have my kick! Painful it sounds. So I'm working on moving on. I have some success with this actually. Some anger, frustration, ugliness I had been dragging on for over 12 years... I recently finally let go. But that's not the subject here really :) Not today. I just wanted to say I'm trying and I'll get there some day. See the turtle and not kick, cos that kick hurts me more. Yeah for growing up a little.

Should I give you an update? My grandma got worse before it got, just a little, better. (Just to remind you, she thought she was pregnant from my father and wanted to kill the baby) Her doctors' have been great. One of them had the exact same problem with her mother!! So doctor told us all about how these things go and everything she said was right on. Like grandma was always obsessed about her stuff, constantly counting her underwear, shoes, batteries... and claim something was stolen everyday. Doctor says usually the sexual freak-outs come next. Her mother actually thought she got raped by her own son! I can't imagine how scary that must have been. Thankfully my grandma didn't have that kinda thinking. She just thought she was pregnant. Now she KNOWS she isn't!!!! YAY a little success. She is somehow uncomfortable with dad though. And he is now all nervous to come home. Although this whole thing seems like fading away slowly. May be next month things could go back to normal.

Oh my cousin! She had the operation and the cancer has been officially removed and there is no spread! The rest of her tests came back clean. On top of that she won't need a very difficult treatment. She will be good as new in a few months.

My funny little dog has been sick. She is old and it is time to except that. I had been missing a lot of sleep getting up in the middle of the night to fight her trying to make her swallow the medicine. She also quit eating for about a week! Our sweet vet told me it was normal. It took dogs time to recover and have their appetite back. Then she asked me wouldn't I feel the same way. I couldn't stop laughing! I finish my last bite and start imagining the next meal! How can I ever understand such a concept! :) My doggy is doing much better and she is eating just like her mama :D At least she wants to.

I have been eating a little dangerously this week. I am not sure but I might be on my period. Yes I don't know when I have a period. Cos I don't have physical evidence most of the time. My IUD pretend stopped my periods. I just don't always "see" anything. So sometimes I just am not sure if I'm right at that time. Because I had this thing for 4 years (ouch it has to come out next year and a new one comes and ouch ouch OUCH) let's be frank who can keep track of something they can't see for 4 years. Why the hell am I writing all this?? Oh right! I had an appetite overload this week. Now I'm trying to get back on track. Just started today so these first two days are not easy for me. Gotta make sure I'm not gonna chicken out, running away from the scale next monday!

I have been cooking a little. For me and the family. One thing I wanna tell you, I poached an egg today!!! Not 100% perfect but almost! :) Watching others do it on tv or internet I seriously doubted I could do it. By the way I'm not sure if no one makes it around here but my parents have no concept of poached eggs. I'm sure I had them in elementary school or at someone else's home, but yeah apparently it's not a popular concept and I personally have no idea why.

Now I gotta go get ready. I'm taking mum to see Avatar. Gonna be her first 3D! It was time she saw the movie too. I love re-releases! Have a great week ♥


P.S. I also got a blog award from Amanda. Check out her blog here. I'll post about the award tomorrow. Thanks! xo

Just Bad News and Nothing More

I've been losing it, yet it's not fat or weight or inches or anything like that. It's not going better, it's only getting worse it seems. So many things happening yet nothing really is. I keep thinking all day I should blog and write about this and that and it would feel better after I get it all out. I'm not doing that either. I'm suffocating. That is exactly how I feel. A few bloggers have been complaining about now wanting to write about the negative all the time and that feeling keeping them from writing. I feel just like them. It's only negative. Well... of course it can't be all, but it certainly feels that way.

This week I found out a cousin of mine has... this is so difficult for me. This is the very first person to have... in either side of the family. Naturally I didn't expect anyone to ever have it. Damnit. Cancer. I haven't said it out loud yet. I don't want to. She is not just-a-relative to me. We shared the same room for may be 4 years when I was about 4-8. Her family lives in another city and my mum brought her to live with us while she was studying in college. Probably helped her get into one too I just don't remember and didn't care cos those years mean something entirely different to me than studying. She is like my half sister. I possibly thought she was for a while. She has a five-years-old daughter now. And that is her biggest fear. Leaving her daughter. I just can't bare the thought. She is having surgery on Monday. Then we'll know exactly what is going on. There is a change it is more than one place. It might have spread already. Or the rest is unrelated. Will know soon. She says she is scared. I hate to hear that. I am scared too. I don't want to be. I don't want anyone to be scared. I just want it all better already. Why can't it be all better already!

My grandma is also not so good. She came back last week. It was all good until yesterday. She told mum that she thinks she is pregnant. My grandma thinks she is pregnant and it is so not funny. She thinks the baby is my father's! She told mum that she would try to poison the baby so it'll go away. Mum is freaking out. We are both worried she might hurt herself. Mum asked me not to tell anyone so I'm telling you. I don't think she should feel embarrassed but she does. You can't help it, I guess. We haven't told dad cos what the hell would he feel or do about it. So strange. Mum went to see her neurologist this morning. The doc told her that is was OK, it was just and episode and it will go away. Prescribed some pills. If they don't change something by next week we'll try a new one. I think the stress of staying with my aunt might have something to do with it. Apparently my aunt was tucking her in every night and giving her a goodnight kiss until one day grandma told her she was missing my mum and wanted to come back. After that grandma cried herself to sleep every night. Don't get me started on my aunt and her twisted family. You get the picture!

I still don't have a job. Owe major money to someone. Haven't managed to graduate yet. Don't have a job. Am not losing shit. Money is so tight I wanna just sleep through my life. I am sick of it all. I am sick of myself at the moment.

I made a schedule for the next two months. Workout. I'll write about it tomorrow. I promise. At first I meant to take a break from blogging. Like that would help anything. I should just write more often. Found some new blogs too. Who invented blogging? I love them. I admire them.

You've Been Tagged

Hello! I've had an interestingly busy week with family affairs. Guests from out of town (my father's aunt, her daughter and her family), another cousin of mine is having a job scare, last night she cried for hours "my daughter is just 4, how am I gonna take care of her with only my husband's income..." My father did a little asking around today and the situation may not be as bad as my cousin thought at first. And stuff like that. I was talking to mom last night and we both think bad or not so ideal things come in bulk. We will just need to get through our own hell with the finance, lack-of-jobs, and all the rest and there will be light at the end of the tunnel!

About the weekly planning... I did good last week and lost another pound :) But this week started bad. With the guests and oh very horrible eating especially on monday and tuesday. Now I'm working very hard to take it back. For example, yesterday I did The Biggest Loser Last Chance Workout and walked on the treadmill for 40 minutes! That added up to 925 calories burned in one day! I am sore obviously so only walking for today. Tomorrow I wanna have a similar workout session as yesterday. I had to rest for four days around the weekend because of my knees. But hopefully I won't have to for a while and promised myself to walk at least 45 minutes every single day. I really really really want to see a loss next monday too. Well I wanna see a loss every monday till I'm on target!

(UPDATE: Before I finished this post my mom called me and told me she wasn't gonna workout today so I could get on the treadmill right away. So I did. Walked 5.3miles (8.6km) in 90 minutes, burned 920 calories!! WOoHOo)

Oh hey I changed my blogger template! What do you think? I loved the old one but it was even more childish looking or so I thought. I love the new hot chick :) I'll call her River (as it is not my real name anyways) how smart am I :p (say "very") Love you back!

I was tagged by the magnificent Patrick! Thank you sir, you are very kind. I'm suppose to answer these 8 questions and make up new questions and tag others. Let's give it a try.

1.You can have one super power, what would it be?
Losing the weight and staying in perfect shape. Would that count as a super power? May be not. So let's think. I certainly don't wanna hear people's thought. Too scary and probably depressing for me. I'd also be very paranoid about anyone else reading my own. Do you think flying would burn a lot of calories?? That could be nice.
But honestly I would like to have the power of healing. Myself and others. Both physical and mental healing.

2.Which do you see as more important, diet or exercise?
I would say exercise. May be because overall that is the thing I need to work on most and keep at it. Diet by itself can't shape your body, build strength and don't forget endorphins!

3. If we're forced to become vegetarians by law could you do so or would you frequent the black market for meat?
No way! Don't even think about it. That would be a nightmare coming true for me! I'd sell my soul to the black market just to get a piece of turkey even! I'm a fast oxidiser and without a proper portion of protein I do not function and I need my meat to support that throughout the day.

4. Do you consider the word 'Obese' to be a proper word to define those extremely over-weight, or do you consider it to be improper if not a hateful word?
I don't mind the word obese or fat or whatever. Probably because I don't let people to use it in the "wrong" way. But I'm an intimidating woman so I know other people who have a problem with others using these words. I simply use them to state facts.

5. Do you believe that Elvis died on August 16, 1977 or was his death a conspiracy cover up?
Sorry to disappoint anyone but right this second Elvis is watching a game show in my living room. As soon as I'm done here I'll join him and may be he'll sing Heartbreak Hotel for me before bedtime. (Dare to dream people)

6. How much water do you drink a day and do you agree that water intake of 8 glasses a day or more is critical to a healthy body?
I agree cos I have seen what the lack of enough water in your body can do to you. A friend of mine used to forget to drink water cos she hated it. She fainted frequently and many other problems followed..
I drink about 12 glasses. This is an average. I drink more during summer and even more if I workout. I don't drink it to lose weight or be healthy. I drink because I get thirsty. It's been the same all my life. I'm just lucky about water.

7. Aliens have invaded earth and landed a mile from your house, do you run for the hills, do you grab a weapon & charge, or do you try and communicate with them?
First I try to find a vantage point for me and my family. Then I observe if they are hostile or not. If they are hostile I run for my life. If not I try to communicate. Of course they may hide their agenda. So I'll always be looking the exit signs. Then again does anyone has a chance if aliens invaded earth. Thank God I live in Istanbul. Aliens always invade USA :)

8. Is your current approach to getting healthy an approach you consider to be fun and can you do it for the rest of your life?
I want to do it for the rest of my life. That's why I take it a week at a time. I don't follow someone else's diet. I'm trying to learn more and try new things, get them in my favorites list somehow. It's a process and it will not end at any given point of my life.

You've been tagged:
Stefi
baygirl32
Jessica
Tammy
Whitney
Putz
Luke
Kimbo (and here)

Your questions:
1. Who is your hero? Why?
2. Do you have a garden where your grow your veggies? If not do you try to buy organic or do you find it costs way too much?
3. Do you use exercise videos? What's your favorite, why?
4. Favorite workout music?
5. How do you measure your progress? If you haven't reached your goal yet, do you own any skinny clothes you keep to remind you of your goals?
6. Do you have any secrets to keep your energy up for the workouts or your day in general?
7. I like Patrick's super power question so what would your super power be if you could have one?
8. If you had the opportunity to move to anywhere in the world, where would it be?

Honey I'm Home :)

I'm back!! It's sooo good to be home. I bet you don't even remember me anymore! Been so long :D I was visiting my aunts and cousins out of town with my family. The first day we got there we wanted to come back!! It's so not our thing to be "guests" at someone else's home. Especially if that someone else is a very bad-tempered, annoying, out of this world witch. Well.. my aunt and uncle aren't exactly lovely people. As much as I love them, it was stressful being there. Even my father agrees and that's saying something. Besides all my complains it wasn't actually horrible obviously. A while back I wrote about a cousin of mine getting divorced. Well she is their daughter and things aren't exactly going well with the custody issues which makes everyone on edge. Painful and long period before all the people involved settle into their new lives. etc. etc. etc.

Well the woman got divorced and can't see her own daughter but! about a month ago she wakes up in the middle of the night because of a annoying noise coming from outside. She gets up to find out what's crying out on the street and what's their problem. She opens the house door and there right beside it sits a tiny little thing sent by an angel asking for help.

This little monster is who I'm talking about. Oh yeah she is a monster!!! A damn cute one of course :) She is 2 months old now and bites anything and everything she comes across including various body parts and some ruined items of clothing of mine. I am so in love with this little girl I almost cried saying goodbye. But I decided my aunt and uncle would be offended if I cried because of a dog and not them! My cousin named her Balım "My Honey" and come on if she doesn't deserve such a name who does?!

My own baby girl (who is 12 years old/awww she is getting old) isn't really a playful, active dog and we love her even more for it, being all lazy and all. But living with a puppy for three weeks was amazing. I took her running, playing catch and whatever she wanted and it was such a great time. Made me think about all the years I didn't get to spend with my Snow White. I just hope she is happy with us because our lives are that much better since we met her ♥

So I said we wanted to leave as soon as we got there. So did Snow White :) She really can't stand other dogs! We didn't have any jealousy problems but boy was she not happy! Also she didn't enjoy her schedule all messed up. We had to get up early everyday being guests at someone else's house. So did she. Well when 8 people are awake and running around she can't really keep sleeping like she does in our home. Here she gets up around 11 am and goes for a walk about noon. There she was forced to pee at 9 am so she wouldn't do any business inside. It was torture for all parties. I love that she is very much like me :)

She ran out of the house while we were trying to get all the luggage in the truck and settled in the backseat. A backseat she can't climb by herself I might add because it's an SUV and she is a very little girl. She did me proud with that performance. Really proud. This is her sleeping in her bed in the car with my legs in the shadows :)

I have so much to say yet I've been talking about dogs and I'm not even done about the dogs LOL I'll leave the rest for tomorrow. Let me give you a quick summary.
It is about 90 degrees everyday here!!! We are slowly melting in a bad way!
J is on her way back from New Jersey right about now!!
Ivy will be in Istanbul on Monday.
My mom is full on diet mode!!! YAY!
I did not gain any weight on the vacation.
It looks like I'm getting married in May. (trying not to panic!!!!)


Love,
River

Sick Week Ending

I went to bed late last night. 4 am to be exact. It's only cos I had to cut my sleep short yesterday then go back to sleep in the middle of the day. Anywho I only slept 6 hours last night and anything less than 8 hrs is not so cute on me. I've been sleepy all day but feeling a lot better overall. I even made my bed. I confess making the bed isn't a habbit of mine. After this week's American Idol I'd been craving Shania Twain (I love country music and might be the only person who love it so much in this country). So after breakfast I full-blasted  Come on Over (my fav Shania album) and oh how I missed those songs. She makes me dance, smile and apparently make my bed! I did some organizing of my bookcase, changed my desk's angle. Did some little stuff... singing and dancing.

Then my aunt came with her younger daughter who left her husband this morning! It's a very long story with her. But in summary my cousin, lets call her Bell, got married 12 years ago and stopped all contact with her side of the family, all of us including her parents. My aunt finally got through to her 6 years ago. She was the only one Bell would see. The main problem is she married an asshole and triple asshole in-laws. She spent 12 years like a prisoner. Abused in many ways, always feared for her security... you get the point? It was almost like she got kidnapped and had Stockholm Sendrome.

So Bell called my aunt two days ago and she was all scared and a little out of her mind. My aunt jumps on the first plane (she lives in Izmir, alittle south of here) and comes to talk to her in person. Bell tells her she is finally (after 12 years!) ready to leave her husband. We were scared he would react in a "bad" way. Well honestly I was getting ready for the news she was killed. But he just insulted her, told her she couldn't do shit and blah blah. So she left. Today was her first day in civilization. I don't know where I'm going with this, why I told you... I guess this was the headline of my day and most of my day ran around it.

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On a sweeter note this little cup has been my favorite dessert for the past month.
 

It's crushed oat cookies at the bottom, plain ice cream in the middle and unsweetened applesauce on top. I love this because it really satisfies my desert craving perfectly. I also can control the calories and everything else by adjusting what I use and how much of it. I kinda turn it into baby food by mixing everyhting about half way through. But what can I say... it's the 16 year-old inside of me trying to go back to kindergarten. Yeah 16 is the age I wish I could stay at for the rest of my life!

I'm going back to "healthier" tomorrow, which is awesome considering it's the first day of May. I'll post a list of "have to and gonna do no matter what" for May tomorrow. I wanna step up my game this month. I mean it!