Cooking, Baking, Drinking

 

You will not believe this but I have been in the right mind set for the past two days! Two whole days! Especially today, I ate all the right things all the right times. Yesterday I started the day by baking! My first real baking (I made a few cookies before) and here is what I did. You should all try it. So yummy! And still in the line to be a snack! I couldn't get myself to use sugar, so substituted with Splenda. That made the scones low fat and low sugar! Fabulous! I couldn't believe the texture was right and I didn't mess it up. The baked scones looked exactly like the photo on Skinny Taste. Hah that's my thing. I get confidence from the photos. If what I did looks like the real deal then I am proud :)

Today I cooked Minestrone! Again from SinnyTaste.com. I had to substitute lentils instead of beans. Cos we don't use canned beans and I would have to let the beans rest in water overnight (or simply six hours but hell that's overnight to me) and I really wanted to cook something healthy for dinner. It is fat-free. Well OK low-fat in reality cos there is fat in the pasta but other than that no no no no fat! And it tastes great! One big bowl fills you up and leaves you satisfied! Satisfaction is a big deal for me!

The minestrone is packed with veggies. I also had celery for lunch. Had an apple, a pear and a banana with yogurt for snacks. Well my body isn't used to so much fruit and veggies!! Haha I'm so sleepy yet I have extra energy and I feel lighter than I normally do at night. Hah! That's a good diet for ya!

Mum is totally on board. We prepared (OK I did) an apple tea in the morning with lots of herbs and lemons and cinnamon and honey. Been drinking that all day in between meals. Helped a lot with my appetite. I'm already drinking something so I'm too busy to wanna eat a chocolate cake?! That kinda deal is going on. Tomorrow I'll be eating out at least one meal. But I'm gonna take a bottle of tea with me. Also an apple may be. 

I'm resting my knee today although I did go shopping out, not around the corner but picked a further market. In the middle of a rain shower. That was fun. My right knee is scaring me. I'm giving up on trying to get along with an other doctor who my insurance pays for. Cos the last idiot I went to see didn't find any problems, gave me pills that gave me violent vertigo! I'm NOT going back. I'm gonna try to see my old doc this week if my father can take me. Cos I can't afford to pay if he asks for any tests or whatever without daddy's credit card. Yeah that's the honest truth right there.

My weekend begins tomorrow!! WooHoo Have a great one xx

How Dare You :)

 

Awww Stewie I feel your pain sweetheart! Only I don't have any ice cream in the house at the moment which is good news. For the ice cream. Me too. I am very into comfort eating today. Although it's like a hobby I haven't started yet. I'm saying so far so good. My worry is I'm done with my list today and what if I don't get sleepy soon :) It's a whole big mystery. Holly dolly now blogger informs me that imagine uploads will be disabled for two hours! Geezzz! Oh hold on silly me. It says tomorrow. Nevermind. So ha ha I uploaded my dinner to make sure. Such a paranoid yet so lovely, aren't I! (I'm in a good mood cos I'm just fed) Lots of spinach with low-fat cheese and nonfat milk mix with more seasoning and chicken breast.

I tried to go on the treadmill today after a week of no workouts cos my knee has been bad again! This time I can't even see my own doctor cos my insurance doesn't cover that hospital anymore!! This other a.hole didn't even see anything wrong with the knee. Gave me some pills said to come back in two weeks. I've been taking the pills for a week now. He also told me I could go on the treadmill, wasn't a problem. Yet 20 minutes of slowish walk I got scared my knee was giving me the finger! So whatever. I'm not gonna freak out before the 2 weeks period.

Before the knee thing I'd been doing the Physique 57 when I was away from the blog. I love that video. I can't wait to go back to it. If and when I go back I'll talk about it more. But for now I'm forcing mum to do it.

So it seems I have a new award. It just seems like that though. No truth in it. Yeah Yeah you wish! Amanda from AJ's WLJ gave it to me. Here is the proof. Considering this girl already lost 30 lbs!! I'm pretty flattered :) Thank you Amanda ♥

Let's hear the rules:
1. Thank the person who gave me the award. (oh yeah!)
2. Share seven things about myself.
3. Nominate 15 newly discovered blogs. (not to sound so annoying that's a huge number)
4. Let my nominees know about their award.

The seven things...
1- I have no respect or patience for people who wear fur.
2- I'm claustrophobic! Not so bad but it gets freaky at times I guess.
3- If I didn't have to find a job and had the money I'd open up a book store/ cafe... live happily ever after.
4- I'm a sucker for crime shows.
5- I am against war. I've been to a lot of protests when I was studying in California about the Iraq War and I don't even believe in any kind of violence as punishment. Yet I get teary eyed whenever I hear a story happy or sad about any soldier or US troops in general (well the whole world actually but that's not the subject here) cos I believe those men and women are doing what they do because they believe in something. I do think they have the best intentions at heart and will never understand (hoping not to understand really) why war protesters or whoever feel the need to attack these brave people for any reason at any time. I also can't help but have 100% respect for any person who would risk their own lives to protect any other. Does that make sense what I'm saying or did I just completely butchered this paragraph? Well I think you will understand me.
6- I said I don't believe in violence as punishment but I do believe in violence. I would like to hurt every single homophobe very brutally. That is that.
7- Sometimes I become one of those people who doesn't even try. Fear of failure. So strong.

I'm nominating 5 blogs for now and I didn't cheat. I'm new to all these blogs and they are blogs you should check out :)
Heather @ Fun, Fit and Fabulicious
Jeff @ LIFE Can Be Funny (Sometimes)
He Took My Last Name
Teale @ Teale's Meals
Dre @ Drastically Decreasing Downsizing Dre

Old

They say "the heat" is going away in 10 days!! Excellent news but it's the middle of August. How much better can it really get??! Hopefully a lot... I'm just not gonna get my hopes up yet. My last post was mostly about the heat and I got some wonderful comments so thank you all. I'm in the process of "sucking it up" and I gotta push myself a little more. All I can manage is an hour long walk right now. Or 75 minutes tops! :D

I want to plan my whole week and stick to eating and exercising for 7 days. Then may be reward myself :) Since I wanna do this more than once, the reward must be something little but will make me look forward to the end of the challenge. May be a book or a skin product? Something to make me feel good but not really nonsense, I wanna be able to use the reward not wear it a couple of times and forget like a necklace.

I've been bored a little lately. Need to try new recipes. My confidence in kitchen isn't really all that high yet. When I see a recipe I think I'd love, I think to myself no way I'm pulling this off. Ridiculous, right? I'm old enough to know not to give up at first try! Duh!

My habits keep changing slowly. My favorites, dislikes... For example, did you know I did not like pears a bit all my life. I didn't like the taste, texture, nothing. Two weeks ago I really really wanted fruit and all my options were watermelon and pears. Well.. it was the middle of the night so I had to try pear because I didn't wanna have to get up every hour to get all the juice watermelon would provide out of my system all night long.

The pear... was heavenly. Just like the cabbage soup I just had. No way you could make eat cabbage a year ago. Now when I go crazy I can't even binge properly. :D I get frustrated with too much sugar or fat. Not that I'm losing weight any faster and it's been real slow, true. But I think I need to let go of the old girl and embrace what's changing in me and my life. Because a lot is going on and I've been acting like a scared little girl. It is time except my new responsibilities and get on with the process already. Losing weight is a big part of it. It is a big big change that effects a huge part of my life. It is there every day, with every bite I eat, every choice I make, every time I put on my walking shoes...

Since my birthday, and I never cared for birthdays, I've been feeling like it's gonna be OK. Everything will be just fine soon. I will find the balance again.

Coming Up

Yeah I got more dogs today. Across the street from my aunts house a neighbor gave birth to 6 lovely puppies. My cousin is holding 2 little girls and she kept praying she wouldn't drop them. Ha ha! Love is a battlefield, aint it!

These smart ladies have the most gorgeous eyes I've seen on a dog. And look how smart the right one is, covering her sister's vahvahs with a quick move :)

But I was in love with their brother. For some reason this guy stole my heart the moment I laid my eyes on him. Summer love...

Monday is my BIRTHDAY!!! Aww I'm 26! The last five years or so I really didn't want to get any older. Yet it keeps happening every year. My mum always wanted to stay 30. I don't understand it. I wanna be 16 or 20 at most. Well... if it were really possible I think I could settle for 23 also. It's all about the plans really. I meant to be a lot slimmer by my birthday and of course I'm too late for that. I'm gonna have to except the fact I only lost 27 lbs all year. But I'm 27 lbs lighter! Yay! I guess.. I have new deadlines about my weight. Cos I don't wanna wear a wedding dress with my size! No offense to anyone but I would die!

My mama is in 100% diet mode. She got new tests done about her heart,etc and every problem she has can be connected to her weight and cigarettes she smoked for 30 years (she quit about 2 months ago btw). I hope this will encourage me more and may be even my father. He seriously needs to lose a lot. His blood sugar keeps jumping up and down yet he can't put his ice cream down. Fingers crossed.

One little issue. Ramadan beings on wednesday! I don't fast. But my dad and boyfriend do. And at Ramadan food gets crazier. Special breads and bacon all over. There is cream and more butter, desert for every single dinner.... an endless feast. We'll be eating out every weekend (we already do but Ramadan is just different) which will be difficult for me to control myself. Then again may be this is the perfect timing for Ramadan because I need to learn self control already. Don't you think? I'm beginning to feel like a soldier :) That must be a good thing cos I'm fighting and I shall win!

The week is almost over!! =)  Have a superb thursday!

Blueberry Love

Blueberries have been on sale (blame the economy) for a while at our market. I'm so in love with blueberries. My favorite berries I might add. So sweet and perfect to compliment anything you might wanna place them next to. They make me happy. I'm telling you all this because Patrick asked me "What is it that you want to do or get into that will make you happy that you can realistically do today, tomorrow, or as far as a week out?" Obviously blueberries are not enough to "change my life" but little things always add up, right?

Well... more than fruit I need a couple of other things. I need a job! I'm so annoyed and frustrated about the one job I really wanted. Will it ever happen? It's not up to me but I've been waiting for a long time. So it is way past time I start looking for something else. I don't even wanna think about this subject but I'm really tired of waiting here. Time to move on. If that job still happens I'll be on board happily ever after.

My boyfriend has been hiding in his shell. Probably since he's been back from his service. It's not like anything bad happened while he was there. He's always been a quiet guy. Doesn't talk much about his problems or his inner whatever. But since he's been back it seems he doesn't ever talk. It's like he's lost his ability to have a conversation sometimes. He doesn't even wanna see his friends. Don't get me wrong. He does have reasons like he is always tired working 12 hours then gym everyday... He has been stressing about his work conditions not improving like he is not paid what he deserves at all and the hours are so long, etc. He stopped caring for anything else almost. I need to break his shell once again and get him to enjoy things a little. That would make me happy.

I've talked to J a few times since last week. She is doing great and I'm feeling a lot better about her being away :)  She is hoping to be back early august if there isn't any news.

People we have a serious problem!!!! The 7th Harry Potter movie is almost out and next year we'll see the last movie!! Then it will be over!!! No more Happy Potter!!!!! No amount of vampire hotness can match the magic Harry provides... I'll be heartbroken my friends... But it is worth this love. My heart will go on and on...


Love yourself
♥River

Burn Baby Burn

 
I kinda sorta hate myself (or dislike very much) when I don't post often enough. I've gone lazy. But not only that... After everything going so well all week I weighed in on saturday and my scale informed me that I gained half a pound. Excuse me??? What the hell is that stupid square bastard is trying to tell me? I feel rage!

Still I did not give up. Don't think for a second that I did. No! I had an average day on saturday. Ate whatever I wanted on sunday (I will probably do this till the rest of my life). Just like I planned. When I say I ate whatever I want it's not really what it used to be. I don't wanna jinx it though :)

This week I'm going lower with the calories. I have been thinking about going down to 1200s. But couldn't get myself to even consider it. Last week with planning so much I felt that I was ready to try. It's been two days now. On monday I had 1230 and today 1252 calories. I'm about to go to bed so I'm certain I won't eat anything else. I already planned tomorrow's meals and hoping to end the day with 1227. I'll go higher for the weekend especially considering I'll be out dancing with J on sunday at the music festival I've been waiting for all month. It will be our only day/night our for the rest of the summer as she is leaving for New Jersey just a week from now! Damn... I'll miss that girl.

I burned my belly with boiling milk yesterday. I thought the weather was hot. Who said milk was good for you!! It's total bs. I have burned skin size of a zippo. It turned a deep purple color today with dark pink corners. At least it's not hurting anymore, right! Hold on. I took a second look. It's 3/4s of a zippo.

The bigger problem is my dog actually. On sunday night I was watching tv till my eyes wouldn't stay open. What a shock! I somehow managed to change and get ready to get in the bed. I turn the lights off. I'm in haven with my pillow. I'm a stretcher 24/7. So I stretch my legs and something is wet. I turn the lights back on. Sit up. Yeah the feet of my bed is wet. I'm thinking did I spill something. No. So what the hell is that. I bent down to investigate and yes it smells like pee. Now I'm in hell. I had to get up, change my sheets, open the window... Of course I couldn't sleep half the night. I'm thinking was she mad at me? Or was she unable to control her muscles??

So the next day she pees on my sweatshirt which was on bed again. I'm mad but confused. I don't yell at the dog cos I really need more information about what happened. My dad is already mad at her all the time because my dog does pee on carpets all over the house for different reasons. We have a behavioral problem. Might also be the reason she was kicked out of her previous house, but getting kicked out might also be the reason for peeing whenever she decides she wants more attention. (My cousin rescued her from streets)

You see why I need more info? I don't wanna jump to conclusions especially considering she is about 13 years old (again just the vet's guess because of her heart condition). But today I caught her on action!!! I walked her twice before the afternoon to make sure she won't have to pee all over. But she did. She has a large pillow next to my bed she uses when she doesn't wanna be in her own bed. This time she peed on it. I was mad alright. Very disappointed also. I'm stressed about this business all day and don't know what she'll aim at tomorrow. Gonna take her to vet thursday probably. I need a ride from my dad. He won't be home much tomorrow though. So we'll wait one more day. I don't really know what the vet might say. Will he even have anything to say about it. Because whatever we did we couldn't stop her peeing on the carpets. Now this... Hope she'll give up on her own.

And look at this beauty. Who's think she was such a naughty naughty girl?

Challenge is going....

PRETTY GOOD!! I'm as surprised as you are. I have to treat myself like a child and it works so who's gonna complain! Not me. So here is my report for the past 5 days (official report I will need to send to Biz tomorrow!)

- track food every day

I was afraid I would fail miserable at this because it's so boring and annoying and a second time annoying! Hah! I rocked at this. Monday I logged in everything I ate on Spark People. But since tuesday I've been planning all what I should eat the night before. I stuck with all this planning most of the time. The exception being last night. I had some dumb cramps etc so I gave myself some random excuse to eat a cheese sandwich (200calories aprox) which also put me over my calories for the day.

-weekly limit of 11,000 calories

I've given myself 500 extra calories a week to give myself some room not to go panick mode. But I was trying to save it up for weekend. Not happening. Which gives me the impression that at least one day I will not care for the calories. Now here is the important part. May be it is OK not to care for calories for a day (does not mean having high calorie foods all day at all) but I also promised myself 11000 calories a week. But I couldn't save up enough to have a "happy" day. Then again if I don't have my day I might just lose it!!!! Because I've been hungry and unsatisfied almost all week!!!!!!! I'm screaming inside but don't wanna disturb you with all capitals cos if I start now I won't be able to stop.

OK. Deep breaths. Everything is fine. This was a great week. So just calm down. Keep breathing. Fine!

-limit fat and sugar

Only sugar I had all week came from fruit. I didn't think I would survive without ice cream. Turns out I can. And fat was all from olive oil and hazelnut oil on my salads, veggies, etc. Now tell me that doesn't sound good! Hah! Score! on both fat and sugar! =D

-workout 4 times a week

Well I've been doing my "walks" of 1 km, 1.5 km blah blah. I find it a little boring going so slow and don't really have any motivation for it. But in a week the kilometers will get to be more serious and it will all come back to me. Oh and thank you for all who asks me about my knee... it's doing well I guess. Didn't have any pain lately. It's making a lot of noise though! It used to be scary. Now I'm just too used to it so it's just funny! I also have to wear a knee thingy while walking as a workout. I'm not in love with it but it feel like it's doing a lot of the job instead of the knee so can't complain. (I'm still gonna say I didn't like paying about $70 for it)

-keep my living space organized

I'm not done yet but I've gone through some spaces in this room that I haven't seen or cared for a long time. If I end up alone by the time I'm 60 (and I'm being optimistic) I'll be the cat lady who collects all the crap in the world cos she thinks "what if I need this some day". So I'm trying to change that. Thrown away a lot of junk and will keep going through every tiny little corner (I have nothing but time)

I'm not really planning on posting a report like this every week. I just thought this week was a little better than I thought it would be so I had to share :)

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I've been having some (a ton) problems with my internet. I don't know what the hell but let me tell you it took me about six hours to write this post because it keeps cutting off. So I might have forgot some (a lot) of the stuff I meant to write and it's been very difficult to read your blogs. Hope it will be fixed soon. It has been driving me crazy all day! So annoying.

Oh one more thing, thank you for the new followers. I have 77 followers now! Lucky number some might say =) When I click on your profiles though it just doesn't show up some of your websites or blogs. And I know some of you do have blogs because the same happens with some my favorite bloggers too. So if you have a blog and you realize I'm not following if you could just let me know your addresses that would be awesome. Thanx

Have a great weekend! ♥

Thank God for AC

If you're watching any kind of news you should be aware of a certain attack on a certain ship on certain internation sea and certain deaths... I feel like I should be writing about this and the following events as it's almost the only thing anyone is talking about around me right now. And I would be lying if I told you I'm not affected by what's going on but I decided  I don't want to drown my blog in ugliness.


It's burning hot. Supposed to be cooler today. Haven't felt a difference yet. May be it's because I'm stuck inside the apartment. Well thank God for AC and daddy cos he bought me one last summer. My room is on the south-west corner of the building and it doesn't get worse than that. But now with the help of the ac I'm not leaving the room. My parents visit my room to cool off but stepping out is a little tricky. I don't even know what I'm complaining about right now, I guess I'm bored again. Surprise surprise!!

By the way I wish there was a spell checking tool on blogspot. They have everyhing. Why not spell checking?

Meet dinner from last night. I've been eating a lot of potatoes lately. Started in Ankara. Has no oil in it what so ever. So that's good. But I'm in a potato state of mind I have to say. My tomato salad left me wanting more too. I thought I didn't want much so made just that little. Summer is definitely tomato salad season here. Little olive oil and lemon juice makes it the perfect side dish for almost any food any meal. Look at the chicken though, looks like it's being bullied by the rest of the plate =) But I had a tuna salad for lunch so I decided that chicken was enough.

And this is what I eat almost every breakfast. That's smoked turkey and simit. Simit is a bagel like Turkish habbit. I'm sayin habbit because as a family we go thorugh about a million a week. One whole simit would be equal to 4 normal slices of bread. I eat about half. The egg sometimes becomes two or three egg whites or low-fat cheese. I need lots and lots of protein for breakfast. Otherwise I would be in hunger pains and get light headed in an hour. Well I need lots of protein any meal but breakfast is the most important obviously. I can never  leave the house or function at all without it. That little glass is how we traditionally have our tea here. my glass is actually slightly larger than the "traditional". My father hates it, cos he thinks it's too big :) Well I don't mind it. I still get the same pleasure.

J stopped by yesterday. She is gonna be spending at least 6 weeks in US at her uncle's. If she finds an internship it might be even longer. But before she leaves we are trying to catch some music festivals. There is a dance music festival, I think it could be called "dance music", anywho we love it Efes Pilsen One Love. I thought we could only go the first day not the second cos I thought she was leaving on that second day. Sophie Ellis Bextor and The Ting Tings will be performing on the second day and I wouldn't mind making babies with Sophie or her music. Yeah I love it. Her "catch you" is my pushing-it-to-the-limit during workout song. So I was complaining about it yesterday and J laughed at my face and told me she was leaving 3 days later that =) I totally forgot I was supposed to be resting my knee and started jumping up and down screaming of joy... This is my kinda good news.

And to be honest I don't know what else to tell you. I'm kind of or no straight out regretting not remaining 100% anonymous. I don't mind Ivy reading anything. But I let my boyfriend read it. Hmmm... If I told him not to read yes he wouldn't (I on the otherhand would read it no matter what). But I don't know what I really want to share or not. I guess I'm simply confused about the whole thing.

Have a great wednesday!

Surviving

I was supposed to post yesterday but waited till I would workout (no I didn't). It was getting late so I wrote some stuff then my internet connection got cut for some reason. So frustrating living without internet for even a couple hours. I depend on the internet for so many things it's insane. Reminds me what was up with the Biggest Loser Finale? They didn't let anyone speak and kept showing stupid videos of people "reminding" us what they've "gone through" at the ranch. It was my least favorite finale. But I would have been happy with any of them top 3 winning. I used to dislike Mike a lot in the beginning, the old days when he was into eliminating people who deserved to be there more. Now I think he is a grown up man again and he looks so hot!!! They all do. Yay! ((:

By the way Jillian looked hotter than anybody there or I'm just too into that lovely little lady.

I'm finally gonna see my knee doctor tomorrow. He had surgeries, etc all the week so tomorrow was the earliest date I could catch him. I'm very worried about it. This sudden and not-going-away-for-a-couple-of-days-pain in my left knee is scary and new. I really don't even want to think about it. It will be ok. Has to be.

I'm eating alright again. Having difficulty in going back to tracking my food though. I'm so bored of writing and seraching and adding and blah blah blah. I do feel safer with tracking my food so I need to snap out of this atittude and do the work. But seriously I've been good about portion control and this little plate is stuffed grape leaves with fat-free Turkish yoghurt. Last week I would have eaten at least twice as many and with lots of bread. But this was my lunch yesterday. I've been drinking a little too much sugar-free ice tea. I really need something to prevent me from feeling hungry. I'll be cutting back next week. Trying to listen to my body's signals. But the heat is also making me thursty and even in winter I drink about 12 glasses of water a day. Imagine how much liquids my body is asking for!! I'm a walking pool.

One thing I need to fix is my sleep schedule. I've been sleeping after the birds starts to sing and the sun is up. Today I'm seeing the effects. Feeling so tired and my eyes want to close asap. Good thing my doctor's appointment is at noon. I gotta get up early, meaning I can't just stay in bed untill I please. The procrastinator in me got to go on a vacation and leave me alone.

I also can't wait to do something other than light, weight training. I wanna walk again. I want my knees to behave and work with me. Feels like I'm paying for something, but I'm good at blaming myself for everything. Don't worry after spending days, weeks, months thinking on it I find out the truth and come to my senses. Well that might change as I decide to grow up some day.

I might be getting effected by all the shows ending the season and there have been way too many sad sad episodes. Yes I'm watching too much but hey I probably won't have time to watch any soon. But the weekend is coming!!!! We might see the last Shrek movie. We try to watch any 3D movies we can get. I could watch commercials for hours if they were in 3D =)

You know what? I'm already feeling a little better. I'm gonna have to do another post in a minute cos I recieved another award!!! HAH! Then I'll reorganize my wardrobe. I'm not happy with the current state. I'll remove some on the draw systems I'm using and re-arrange some stuff. I think I need to throw out some things and give away others. Yeah it's time already. I also need to catch up on reading blogs. I've read some and lacking commenting. Ayayyayyyy gotta move.

Luv u ♥

Back Home & In Trouble

 It's good to be back. It's time to face the reality. I gained 3.5lbs! That is huge! It's so huge that I wanna cut flesh off of my body to get rid of it right away! I'm so embarrasssed to come back after two weeks and tell you all this is what I did. I will go ahead and confess I binged three times the past 10 days. That is such a high number at this point. But I'm home now and don't have any excuses. I need to get back into the "healthy mind" already and get the numbers going down again.

I had fun though. I don't regret relaxing a little. I don't diet to just lose weight. I'm trying to turn everything I know and still learning into a life style. And in real life you do take vacations and gain a couple of pounds. You just come back to your daily routine and you lose that extra naturally. I admit if I don't lose it back in a week I'll probably have a different attitude. But it will be only because I would have disappointed myself. So we'll have some rules brought back this week if I don't want that happenning. The lazy in me needs to move out.

These rules to be followed for the next two weeks (mon 05/24 - sat 06/05)

1 - no sugar 

(fresh fruit only)

2 - min 5 servings of veggies & fruits

3 - no processed food or junk

4 - eat 1300-1600 calories

5 - limit fat

6 - do whatever workout I can 

(as long as my knees let me)

7- not gonna weigh in untill June 6

Of course there are nice things going on too. Like my mother did a major spring cleaning in my room. I don't think this room was ever this clean. I need to do some reorganizing but feels like the room is shining with pride! Mama is my hero of the month! (and probably all the other 11 months too)

I have to admit though the best part of coming home is my boyfriend. After so many years I still think it's a miracle that we ever met and became close friends, then finally fall in love... Oops I'm getting too emotional all of a sudden. I think catching up with Gray's Anatomy did some damage. What the hell was those last two episodes! Reminds me we still haven't seen the Lost finali. I did consider staying up till morning (was shown here same time as USA) but decided it was silly. I also download every episode then wait to watch it with my boy. We're hoping to watch it tomorrow evening if he is not too tired after his workout. So freaking excited!

I'm ending today's post with this lovely photo of Ivy with the little cat who found us on their backyard and adopted us all by himself! (I think he is a he but may be not) He kinda made us give him milk by drinking Ivy's coffee so casually and looking like enjoying it a lot. He joined us for dinner that day and disappeared the day after to reappear and even jumo in the car with us just the next day. Ivy tells me he still comes and goes and I fell in love with him so bad that I'm torturing my little dog evne worse now. She's fine yet but it's only cos she missed me too much. Next week she'll be hiding from me =) She is a free spirit! ♥

Ankara Update & We Even Have A Dog

Tonight Ivy's mother is coming back from her trip and our freedom is cut back a little. Ivy is cleaning the apartment inch by inch. Apparently her mother is getting obsessed with cleaning by the minute. I didn't realize that the other two times I visited them, but we'll see how bad it is. 

Ivy also has a little dog, Gypsy, who has been living with another family for a few years now. It's Gypsy with Ivy (and her cleaning outfit) on the photo I just took.We picked him up yesterday so he'll be spending some time with us till sunday afternoon. He has a vet appointment the next day so his stay will be short. He is making miss my little doggy. It's always nice to have a little pet in the house. They can make you smile more than you bargained for.

Before we went to pick up Gypsy we of course went to a Starbucks. While we were sitting there, having our drinks we could see a kebab restaurant on a lower level and we saw a woman butcher a meal. In Turkey one of the most popular items is an Iskender Kabab. I certainly love it. It's served as flat bread heated with butter, very thinly sliced meat in the middle, then some tomato sauce and sizzling butter on top with some Turkish yogurt on the side. You get the picture I'm guessing. It tastes like heaven and it even loves you back. This woman sat there and mixed it all up, cutting the meat even smaller, tossed everything upside down and turned that beautiful plate into baby food. I got angry at her. That's what I felt and I'm not sure if it bothers me that I had such a strong reaction. Ivy had deep disappointment in her face also.

I don't think she should be allowed to eat in public. You know a lot of bloggers talk about secret eating and feeling embarrassed eating in front of people. I don't see the point. We (yeah I'm assuming) respect the food, treat it well, love it, care about it. At least that's how I feel.

This is a high calorie day for both of us. Just letting you know. I feel guilty if I don't write it here. I still feel sick though. May be it's my fault for not resting enough. But I'm not here that often so I wanna enjoy my time with my friend and I should have a right to. Not being able to weigh in is also getting to me a little. Not that I'm worried about it. I just wish I knew what happened to my body all week. I'll be taking measurements again in 2-4 weeks. I haven't decided what would be best. I gotta see my calendar and plan this from now on. Planning is good for me. Even when I "fail" to keep up with a schedule or plan I still do better. I like order in my life. Not too much of it though :)

Now that we had some naughty food I'm craving a huge salad and loquats. Isn't it lovely! =)

P.S. This is my second post for the day. I did a little video blog also. I mention dinner in it so here is what I ended up having. (sorry about the messy plate) It is a sort of pasta salad. I have both chicken and tuna in it. (Don't ask me! I'm really scared to know what I'll crave when I get pregnant!) So we have some greens in it, peppers, corn, lots of seasoning (red pepper, thyme, mint) and turkish yogurt as dressing. It was a little hot and I loved it. Couldn't finish the whole thing, it turned out a little too big when I finished adding everything I wanted in. :)


Have a fabulous weekend!

Ankara

That's our capital for those who don't know. So I'm in Ankara and I got the flu. I blame the ac on the bus. But mum has it too and dad was recovering when I left so... who knows. I'm guessing I'll be better in a couple of days. I'm not exactly resting in bed but not killing myself either.

It's good to be here. I missed Ivy so much. We have the whole apartment to ourselves and having a little girl time and some fun. Yesterday we also had a guest, Dodo. He is the nicest, sweetest guy on earth and he can't stop laughing at everything for some reason. He also lost a lot of weight since I've seen him last year. Hoping to see him more before I leave. I decided to go back home next thursday by the way. J might come to stay with us over the weekend. Still haven't decided yet. She has a lot to do for school and will let us know by tomorrow. We have some work to do here too. Working slowly on some graduation projects. Oh these bs never ends with the school work.

We had a pizza and ice cream day yesterday. But we are still on our diet schedule more or less. This was our shopping cart on monday. We went grocery shopping as soon as Ivy picked me up from the bus station. See nothing naughty... some chicken breast, turkey, sugar-free ice tea, salad greens, lots of fruit!

Meet my dinner from monday. (I decided I needed to supply some proof) My chicken as always, some salad with fatfree dressing and frozen potatoes with no oil, little ketchup, very little mustard.


This was luch on tuesday. My pasta with tons of tomato, garlic and scallions. One stuffed eggplant. (We like stuffind veggies and leaves in Turkey and when I see eggplant my heart beats faster)




I almost forgot, my left knee has been hurting like a bitch. Well it's been better today. But it started on monday and I was in pain for so long. My eyes teared every time I had to go down the stairs even just one step. I really need to see my doctor when I go back home. I'm guessing he will tell me I need physical therapy. I do not have any means of affording that at the moment and beyond that if I get "the job" I won't have any time. Hope we'll figure out a way to fix it without more trouble.

I haven't worked out since I've been here. But have my weights and videos with me. We can also go for walks when I get better. But we really need to get up early cos it's burning hot in this city. I'm guessing Istanbul will be so hot too when I get back. This summer has come way too fast for me. I never look forward to it. Now it's here and I wish I had the power to keep spring going on for the whole year. Speaking of mind power I just finished reading The Sphere by Michael Crichton. I love this guy so much. Another great book. Always makes me want more. I stole this quote from wiki for you: The New York Times's Robin McKinley said "Part of the fun of Sphere is that it keeps you going even when you're pretty sure of what will happen next." I think I'm reading Timeline by Crichton next.

Today we went out to Starbucks. I don't know what anybody did before Starbucks. I feel so home at any Starbucks. It feels like everybody feels better there. I used to go to Starbucks to study, now I go to read a book, write in my journal, just to get out of my own head... Yeah, one other obsession of mine.

I had a haircut yesterday. Don't like it. The guy didn't get what I wanted and I ended up with this mess. Well.. I'll survive. This is what I looked like drinking my cappuccino today. I don't really like my photo being taken. But hell I wanted to share. For a miracle just for you I'm even smiling :)

My face looks bloated. Look under my eyes. huge bags. Well the bags is a curse for the women in my family. But that's not the point. I sometimes like being bloated cos when it goes down it feels like I lost a lot of weight all of a sudden :p I'll always be a kid (or baby) at heart. 

This is Ivy telling me we don't look good in photos so what's the point :D I think she asked for it complaining too much. Hahaha she looks funny and this is my blog so I got the power *still giggling* I don't think she looks bad though. If I thought so I wouldn't put this photo. I'm not evil. Just bad sometimes.

I asked Ivy to write a guest post on my blog. She said yes. I'm letting you know so she won't have a way out of it if she gets lazy or sth. She has lost some weight herself. Has been working hard on it. She also has some interesting stories to tell about her years of struggle with weight issues. Of couse if she decides to share. We'll see what she'll come up with.

I've been feeling so bad cos I couldn't post for so many days. I hope I'll be able to write again soon. I miss my blog and I miss reading yours'. I have some catching up to do. Soon. I also have new followers. Always a nice surprise ♥

Have a great day everybody!
xoxo
River

50

I took a pill last night to help me sleep. I hoped for a 10 hours but had to settle for 9. Because of the job I'm trying to get. One of the people I'll meet about it was on tv discussing something current and I thought it was important for me to get a little more on who he is, etc.

I did wake up during the night but fell back asleep quick. Waking up was a bitch though. I don't know how I managed to get out of the house somehow and meet J. All the way I felt so dizzy and disoriented. Thank God, J wanted to take it slow today. We had a very light walk for 45 minutes. Burned only 380 calories but it is something.

When I came back home I couldn't even take a shower. Just went back to bed wondering if I could sleep or not. Turns out I could. Slept 4 more hours. I feel so much better. Not 100% awesome. But a lot better.

Made myself a nice lunch. Mum already made some salad and pasta, which went perfect with my chicken. I cooked the same chicken with marinade on saturday for my boyfriend. And what do you know, he wants some more. Which is excellent news. Because he likes eating out a lot and I hate spending money on food so much. On his defense he eats so stickly (being a bodybuilder and all) on weekdays and weekend mornings he is always craving for some color. So I'm looking for some nice side dishes to go with the chicken. Also will make a huge, green salad. I guess I'll go for mushrooms? Lots of protein and he loves them. Me too.

I noticed now I have 50 followers! (like I don't check the number everyday. duh!) Exactly 6 weeks from my very first post.

Love you all! Have a great day!

Sick Week Ending

I went to bed late last night. 4 am to be exact. It's only cos I had to cut my sleep short yesterday then go back to sleep in the middle of the day. Anywho I only slept 6 hours last night and anything less than 8 hrs is not so cute on me. I've been sleepy all day but feeling a lot better overall. I even made my bed. I confess making the bed isn't a habbit of mine. After this week's American Idol I'd been craving Shania Twain (I love country music and might be the only person who love it so much in this country). So after breakfast I full-blasted  Come on Over (my fav Shania album) and oh how I missed those songs. She makes me dance, smile and apparently make my bed! I did some organizing of my bookcase, changed my desk's angle. Did some little stuff... singing and dancing.

Then my aunt came with her younger daughter who left her husband this morning! It's a very long story with her. But in summary my cousin, lets call her Bell, got married 12 years ago and stopped all contact with her side of the family, all of us including her parents. My aunt finally got through to her 6 years ago. She was the only one Bell would see. The main problem is she married an asshole and triple asshole in-laws. She spent 12 years like a prisoner. Abused in many ways, always feared for her security... you get the point? It was almost like she got kidnapped and had Stockholm Sendrome.

So Bell called my aunt two days ago and she was all scared and a little out of her mind. My aunt jumps on the first plane (she lives in Izmir, alittle south of here) and comes to talk to her in person. Bell tells her she is finally (after 12 years!) ready to leave her husband. We were scared he would react in a "bad" way. Well honestly I was getting ready for the news she was killed. But he just insulted her, told her she couldn't do shit and blah blah. So she left. Today was her first day in civilization. I don't know where I'm going with this, why I told you... I guess this was the headline of my day and most of my day ran around it.

----------------

On a sweeter note this little cup has been my favorite dessert for the past month.
 

It's crushed oat cookies at the bottom, plain ice cream in the middle and unsweetened applesauce on top. I love this because it really satisfies my desert craving perfectly. I also can control the calories and everything else by adjusting what I use and how much of it. I kinda turn it into baby food by mixing everyhting about half way through. But what can I say... it's the 16 year-old inside of me trying to go back to kindergarten. Yeah 16 is the age I wish I could stay at for the rest of my life!

I'm going back to "healthier" tomorrow, which is awesome considering it's the first day of May. I'll post a list of "have to and gonna do no matter what" for May tomorrow. I wanna step up my game this month. I mean it!

Feeling Better

Thank you everybody for your well wishes and supporting my no-scale decision! :) I'm feeling better but still a little tired. Finally slept better last night. Not exactly comatosed but a lot better! (It's nice to know there are people who understand what not-being-able-to-sleep for so long means. thnx ♥) I also had to get up early this morning cos our phone was out and I had to deal with the electirician. I went back to bed after he was gone but you know how it is, my whole system is already messed up, so I'm stuck with a monster headache. Still not complaining though. The idea of getting better and beginning to workout again (I'm hoping for saturday) is too exciting!

I've been eating and not counting anything. I noticed that although I'm eating whatever I want and much of it, I still try to make better decisions. For example I had a huge sandwich for dinner yesterday and I added bell peppers and green beans in it. My father also bought three different kinds of plums today. I noticed I didn't have any this year or last! I'm a little particular about my fruit and wasn't making it a priority before. But today I had a large bowl of plums and boy did I miss that taste! Plums are magical with low calories and sweet textures and I am gonna spend this summer soaking myself in plums. Especially loquats! When you get rid of the skin (I peel and eat the skin too by the way, I'm "weird" that way) loquats are divine!

My taste or understanding of taste is shifting I believe. I enjoy possibly twice as many veggies and fruits as I did before. I'm still finding new ways to enjoy my food but I do feel a lot better than the weight I already lost. I know for sure something is changing and it is for the better. I think my body asks for better quality and variety. The real sursprise is that I'm listening to it.

All joking aside I actually had pre-diabetes just a year ago. I did not try to lose weight although I wanted to at the time. But I did start to make better choices at least once a day. I'm serious it was just once a day and not even that sometimes. I started to get on the treadmill and walk with no schedule or planning. But I moved. After using the drugs my doctor prescribed for about 10 months or so I had a whole different problem and with my doctor we decided it might have been a side effect of those drugs I'd been using. So I decided to quit. I said "I do not care I will not live like this I'm not taking these pills you cannot make me." After 3 months or so the time for my check up with the diabetes doctor came and I had my tests done. Then I confessed I wasn't taking the pills anymore and you know what my doctor told me "You don't need to take anything anymore. Your blood sugar is excellent. Everything looks great." I think that was the point I decided to commit losing weight and getting healthy. It wasn't a rock-bottom experience, not a fight with my boyfriend, not the idea of being a fat-bride... no I found my motivation, the final push from getting better.

SICK IN BED

So I was feeling down yesterday and woke up feeling worse this noon! I also couldn't sleep all that well the last couple of nights. I just keep waking up every hour or so, (I'm a chronic insomniac) which doesn't help with the way I'm feeling. I'm feeling stressed about not working out and to make matters worse I'm bout to get my period and my appetite is scary! So in summary: I'm all bloated, craving anything and everything, can't workout, have a headache, can't get out of the bed, bored, annoyed, stressed and losin my mind!

I've decided to skip the weigh in this week. Well I'm not stepping on that scale until I feel better and ready. I don't wanna make myself feel worse and fall off the wagon because I feel so weak.

I wanted to write about my weekend today but not happening. The computer is making my head hurt. Wish me luck people! I really need it. ♥

I DID NOT

I almost ordered pizza for lunch today. I logged in to the website, picked what I want, almost hit the "order" button. Then I stopped. I honestly have no idea what stopped me. Am I evolving? Is this it? Am I gonna be able stop every time I'm about to eat something bad? Don't think so. If for nothing else I don't have the willpower to stop once I'm in the same room with the food, I'm gone. I'm not even in this world. I get high on food. That's what happens. I get high.

After I stopped myself from wasting money and eating a million calories, fat I didn't need I cooked some pasta. Did I want it? May be/May be Not. It doesn't even look that good. Probably because I got lazy grating the parmesan and used the wrong grater. It tasted good though. Added some red bell peppers which adds more taste than it pretends to. I also made the sauce with hazelnut oil. It leaves a sweeter taste in your mouth. And it's good to mix it up a bit considering I eat pasta a lot.

Are you sick of seeing pasta or the same plate over and over again? I love these plates. I don't even let anyone else use them unless I cooked for the whole family and I'm serving the dish. Judge me all you want, I'm nuts. Let's get over it.

Now I don't know what to eat for dinner. I'm bored. Really bored. I invited J to watch some movies this evening. But cancelled it this morning cos I don't feel up to it. I didn't want to drag her down with me. This knee thing is really depressing me. I'm so tired of feeling helpless. I have bad knees and heart by birth! How do you deal with it? Well... sometimes you don't. There is nothing to do sometimes. Nothing.

Thank you for all your nice comments and well wishes about yesterday's post. It helps me more than you know. ♥

Actually my knee doesn't feel as bad as it did yesterday. So I'll try to walk on the treadmill. Not as fast as I would like to but move a little non the less.

This lovely dress is from my favorite website ModCloth. I can't help checking it out every day. And fall in love with another piece of clothing or accessory every time. Today's love affair is with this lovely dress. It's making me a little crazy like I need to lose a million pounds right this second. But it also motivates me.

I'm thinking about purchasing a piece every 10 lbs once I'm down from 200s. Can I afford it? Not sure. But my boyfriend gets excited about this whole thing and wants to buy me everything I like. Don't worry I stop him. But I think I can ask for him to help me with some of my rewards. Any objections? Please don't.

I have a question for you though. How is this blog awards go? If I wanted to give someone an award do I just create a banner of my own and let them know? Because I think I might want to. I realize I've been doing this less than 2 months. But I really value the support you've given me a lot. And I'm a very emotional being. Especially today.

WEDNESDAY AND SOME BAD KNEES

 I don't know who this little girl is but I'm guessing she knows how I'm feeling right now. My left knee gave up on me. It's been aching a little, but today it was worse. With every step I take I can feel my knee moving. Also when I was walking home from the market in the afternoon something happenned. I don't really know what. But this is how it felt like. I left knee, all by itself, turned left 90 degress and snapped back in place. It hurt so bad. I screamed in the middle of the street. Luckily there wasn't anyone around. I really couldn't handle explaining it to anyone.

I called my doctor, but he is away on some conference. If I could just talk to him I would feel better. Unfortunately that is not possible for now. I also don't have insurance since my father lost his job. I need to register for the government plan thingy but my father gotta do it. Because I'm gonna be added to their insurance or something like that. I don't understand how this works. Because this is the first time in my life I didn't have private insurance. In Turkey when you're working anywhere but a government agency they have to insure you and your children who is not working, whatever their age is, also benefits from your insurance. So this is a first.

I'm scared, worried, annoyed, fed up, angry and sad. No workouts for me today.


Today I cooked pasta for lunch. I make this shrimp recipee a lot. But this time I decided to remove lime and add tomatoes in it. It turned out to be one of the best pasta I've ever had! I couldn't get enough of it. I wanna make more already. So I'm cooking it for me and my boyfriend over the weekend. I have to wait that long cos I'm out of shrimp. It's also a national holiday this friday so we'll have a three-days-weekend, which I'm very excited about. But I had to tell him that we needed to eat some meals at home cos there is no way I can stay in my calorie limit all three days. And I really don't wanna eat more than I should this weekend as last week I had more than a couple days with high calories, fat and all that bad girl business.

I also made a lighter version of Cobb Salad without bacon of course and didn't use any cheese either. Made my own dressing as well. 1/2 tbsp olive oil, mustard, some fat-free salad dressing I love, black-pepper. It was good. It kinda had to be. I'd been craving for a while now. Seemed like every show I watch was mentioning Cobb Salad for no good reason.

I had to buy avocados and wasn't sure how much it would cost. Avocados aren't a part of Turkish cuisine and they are not locally grown. I get to eat it at restaurants but not at home. So I decided to go to the market and see how bad it was. About $1.50 per avocado. Is that bad? I don't think so and it certainly is affordable for me right now. So I got 2. One of them need a couple days to be ready to put my sandwiches so I thought 2 was a good number for now.

So my daily total is 1463 calories eaten. Nothing burned.

WHO'S HUNGRY?

This was lunch. I realize the the frozen cordon bleu isn't the best choice. But I'm already having chicken breast for dinner so let me have this one. That pasta sauce actually looks a lot better live. (I should take out my real camera and keep it ready for these.) 1/2 tbs olive oil, 3 garlic cloves, 3 tomatoes and 3/4 cups of fresh spinach, black pepper... heaven!


Now the muffins. I was suppose to make Banana Chocolate Chip Muffins I've found on Spark people (here is the link) last week. Each 92.2 calories, 0.6g fat!!! So I made them today. I first had to make apple sauce as we don't really have them ready in the markets here. Or if we do I have no idea where to find it. Glad to find out it's very easy to make. Smell so goooood! I gotta make some more soon just to use them on top of anything. Mom also is a fan. Next time I'm not gonna use any in the muffin but add some on top while serving.


I bought some paper muffin cups yesterday. Super cute and about a $1 for 50. Or that's what I remember. But when I put them on the tray by themselves, meaning nothing to hold them in place, my muffins didn't look like muffins at all. But who cares. They turned out yummy. I put a little too much banana may be but hey I love banana! I cut back on the chocolate chips (by 1 tbs) and add walnuts instead. They taste a lot better than they look, I promise! Unfortunately dad didn't like them just because they have apples in. I don't understand that guy. How do you not like apples?? Especially with cinnamon!

Last but not the least meet my dinner! I realize I ate almost the same things for lunch too. But when I like something I abuse it. This time I abused chicken breast, spinach, tomatoes and garlic. If I'm gonna abuse something I can't think of anything better right now. 

 

By the way I don't have that constant hunger anymore. I feel good. I have more energy than ever. I enjoy every single bite of every meal. And that is great news to me :)

TWICE IN ONE DAY

I burned a total of 1152 calories today! I'm so freaking proud! I already wrote about my Last Chance Workout here. Later I also went up on the treadmill for 70minutes a little over 4 miles. I was amazed out of the 70 I was walking at my target heart rate for 61 minutes! So some numbers in totals:

Workout: 108 minutes
@THR: 92 minutes
Calories burned: 1152
Calories eaten: 1600

I know 1600 is higher than what I should have eaten. But come on this was the first day in my life I had two workouts in one day! I have to keep this up until I find a job and my time will be very limited. Tomorrow I'll go for my morning walk at the "usual" spot. I really hope it'll become my usual spot for my usual morning walks. And may be even running by next year or so *fingers crossed* If J can make it she'll come with. But she is seriously lacking sleep trying to finish some projects for school.

I didn't make any muffins. Actually I remembered I don't have enough tray for 16 muffins. But I'll play with the recipe (I really hope tomorrow) and make may be 12. Have to visit the future in-laws ASAP so I won't have to think about it for a few weeks. I kinda miss them too. I do. I just can't stand the father-
n-law. I might tell you why some other time.

If anyone read the comments on my yum post, Steph mentions a thai 7 spice. Thank you dear. I'm not sure I can find it in Istanbul. I'm guessing some market has it I would need to look for it though. I love mixed spices. Turkey is a little crazy about spices also. I remember having a piece of bread with goat cheese and a ton of mixed spices for breakfast. It's actually still my favorite thing with some black tea if I can't eat anything when I get sick. My only problem is I get thursty way too much! On an ordinary day if I don't workout, don't eat anything crazy etc I drink 12 glasses of water. Now imagine I eat some black pepper on my chicken it goes up to 15! All my life. There is nothing wrong with it. I'm just made up of water I guess. So I'm also scared of spices. Why did I just share that I have no idea. Cos I'm just gonna go and find that thai 7 spice seasoning or just mix it up myself. Can make some adjustments if I mix it myself. May be cut back on the salt. I'm very sleepy right now :) Can you tell? Feels like I've been thinking in writing.

So I'm out. Gotta walk my lovely doggy and go to bed with my book. Oh you haven't met my little girl yet have you? Here is a preview of my Snow White. Isn't she gorgeous! Yes she knows it too ♥