Blueberry Love

Blueberries have been on sale (blame the economy) for a while at our market. I'm so in love with blueberries. My favorite berries I might add. So sweet and perfect to compliment anything you might wanna place them next to. They make me happy. I'm telling you all this because Patrick asked me "What is it that you want to do or get into that will make you happy that you can realistically do today, tomorrow, or as far as a week out?" Obviously blueberries are not enough to "change my life" but little things always add up, right?

Well... more than fruit I need a couple of other things. I need a job! I'm so annoyed and frustrated about the one job I really wanted. Will it ever happen? It's not up to me but I've been waiting for a long time. So it is way past time I start looking for something else. I don't even wanna think about this subject but I'm really tired of waiting here. Time to move on. If that job still happens I'll be on board happily ever after.

My boyfriend has been hiding in his shell. Probably since he's been back from his service. It's not like anything bad happened while he was there. He's always been a quiet guy. Doesn't talk much about his problems or his inner whatever. But since he's been back it seems he doesn't ever talk. It's like he's lost his ability to have a conversation sometimes. He doesn't even wanna see his friends. Don't get me wrong. He does have reasons like he is always tired working 12 hours then gym everyday... He has been stressing about his work conditions not improving like he is not paid what he deserves at all and the hours are so long, etc. He stopped caring for anything else almost. I need to break his shell once again and get him to enjoy things a little. That would make me happy.

I've talked to J a few times since last week. She is doing great and I'm feeling a lot better about her being away :)  She is hoping to be back early august if there isn't any news.

People we have a serious problem!!!! The 7th Harry Potter movie is almost out and next year we'll see the last movie!! Then it will be over!!! No more Happy Potter!!!!! No amount of vampire hotness can match the magic Harry provides... I'll be heartbroken my friends... But it is worth this love. My heart will go on and on...


Love yourself
♥River

Thank God for AC

If you're watching any kind of news you should be aware of a certain attack on a certain ship on certain internation sea and certain deaths... I feel like I should be writing about this and the following events as it's almost the only thing anyone is talking about around me right now. And I would be lying if I told you I'm not affected by what's going on but I decided  I don't want to drown my blog in ugliness.


It's burning hot. Supposed to be cooler today. Haven't felt a difference yet. May be it's because I'm stuck inside the apartment. Well thank God for AC and daddy cos he bought me one last summer. My room is on the south-west corner of the building and it doesn't get worse than that. But now with the help of the ac I'm not leaving the room. My parents visit my room to cool off but stepping out is a little tricky. I don't even know what I'm complaining about right now, I guess I'm bored again. Surprise surprise!!

By the way I wish there was a spell checking tool on blogspot. They have everyhing. Why not spell checking?

Meet dinner from last night. I've been eating a lot of potatoes lately. Started in Ankara. Has no oil in it what so ever. So that's good. But I'm in a potato state of mind I have to say. My tomato salad left me wanting more too. I thought I didn't want much so made just that little. Summer is definitely tomato salad season here. Little olive oil and lemon juice makes it the perfect side dish for almost any food any meal. Look at the chicken though, looks like it's being bullied by the rest of the plate =) But I had a tuna salad for lunch so I decided that chicken was enough.

And this is what I eat almost every breakfast. That's smoked turkey and simit. Simit is a bagel like Turkish habbit. I'm sayin habbit because as a family we go thorugh about a million a week. One whole simit would be equal to 4 normal slices of bread. I eat about half. The egg sometimes becomes two or three egg whites or low-fat cheese. I need lots and lots of protein for breakfast. Otherwise I would be in hunger pains and get light headed in an hour. Well I need lots of protein any meal but breakfast is the most important obviously. I can never  leave the house or function at all without it. That little glass is how we traditionally have our tea here. my glass is actually slightly larger than the "traditional". My father hates it, cos he thinks it's too big :) Well I don't mind it. I still get the same pleasure.

J stopped by yesterday. She is gonna be spending at least 6 weeks in US at her uncle's. If she finds an internship it might be even longer. But before she leaves we are trying to catch some music festivals. There is a dance music festival, I think it could be called "dance music", anywho we love it Efes Pilsen One Love. I thought we could only go the first day not the second cos I thought she was leaving on that second day. Sophie Ellis Bextor and The Ting Tings will be performing on the second day and I wouldn't mind making babies with Sophie or her music. Yeah I love it. Her "catch you" is my pushing-it-to-the-limit during workout song. So I was complaining about it yesterday and J laughed at my face and told me she was leaving 3 days later that =) I totally forgot I was supposed to be resting my knee and started jumping up and down screaming of joy... This is my kinda good news.

And to be honest I don't know what else to tell you. I'm kind of or no straight out regretting not remaining 100% anonymous. I don't mind Ivy reading anything. But I let my boyfriend read it. Hmmm... If I told him not to read yes he wouldn't (I on the otherhand would read it no matter what). But I don't know what I really want to share or not. I guess I'm simply confused about the whole thing.

Have a great wednesday!

I DID NOT

I almost ordered pizza for lunch today. I logged in to the website, picked what I want, almost hit the "order" button. Then I stopped. I honestly have no idea what stopped me. Am I evolving? Is this it? Am I gonna be able stop every time I'm about to eat something bad? Don't think so. If for nothing else I don't have the willpower to stop once I'm in the same room with the food, I'm gone. I'm not even in this world. I get high on food. That's what happens. I get high.

After I stopped myself from wasting money and eating a million calories, fat I didn't need I cooked some pasta. Did I want it? May be/May be Not. It doesn't even look that good. Probably because I got lazy grating the parmesan and used the wrong grater. It tasted good though. Added some red bell peppers which adds more taste than it pretends to. I also made the sauce with hazelnut oil. It leaves a sweeter taste in your mouth. And it's good to mix it up a bit considering I eat pasta a lot.

Are you sick of seeing pasta or the same plate over and over again? I love these plates. I don't even let anyone else use them unless I cooked for the whole family and I'm serving the dish. Judge me all you want, I'm nuts. Let's get over it.

Now I don't know what to eat for dinner. I'm bored. Really bored. I invited J to watch some movies this evening. But cancelled it this morning cos I don't feel up to it. I didn't want to drag her down with me. This knee thing is really depressing me. I'm so tired of feeling helpless. I have bad knees and heart by birth! How do you deal with it? Well... sometimes you don't. There is nothing to do sometimes. Nothing.

Thank you for all your nice comments and well wishes about yesterday's post. It helps me more than you know. ♥

Actually my knee doesn't feel as bad as it did yesterday. So I'll try to walk on the treadmill. Not as fast as I would like to but move a little non the less.

This lovely dress is from my favorite website ModCloth. I can't help checking it out every day. And fall in love with another piece of clothing or accessory every time. Today's love affair is with this lovely dress. It's making me a little crazy like I need to lose a million pounds right this second. But it also motivates me.

I'm thinking about purchasing a piece every 10 lbs once I'm down from 200s. Can I afford it? Not sure. But my boyfriend gets excited about this whole thing and wants to buy me everything I like. Don't worry I stop him. But I think I can ask for him to help me with some of my rewards. Any objections? Please don't.

I have a question for you though. How is this blog awards go? If I wanted to give someone an award do I just create a banner of my own and let them know? Because I think I might want to. I realize I've been doing this less than 2 months. But I really value the support you've given me a lot. And I'm a very emotional being. Especially today.

One Day You're Fine Next Day You're Not

Thanks everyone for your comments about the painting. Mama loves you too :)

Yesterday was not so okay. I managed to go on the treadmill for 45 minutes and every minute of it was torture. I got through it but really wanted to do more. Just didn't happen. I also ate more than I wanted to. I find it way too hard to resist the food cooked for the rest of the household. Yesterday mom cooked this amazing white rice pilav with lots and lots of butter. That smell could choke me in a second, so I ate 2 cups worth of it. Overall my daily total was up to 2000 calories.

I don't exactly feel guilty. A little worried about the weigh in though. Am I gonna have to go through this every week? I have 3 full days before it's time to step on that scale. I won't be able to workout tomorrow. It's not really that big of a deal. Not this part at least. But hell my appetite is acting up. I don't know how to control this...

Today this "hungry" feeling is stuck in my mind. I mean it's gotta be in my mind. Because I've been eating what I'm suppose to. All my proteins, carbs, fat are at my target range. I'm not starving myself and trust me I cannot not eat. It's so frustrating! I wanna eat all the time!

At least I'm done with workouts for today. I finished Last Chance Workout and had a 30 minutes on the treadmill right after. 747 calories burned. Let's hope I won't end up eating it all back.

I'm going to see a movie tonight with J. I'm really excited about the film. Yet I have a new problem. I've been going to bed so early lately and this movie is at 9.30 pm. I'm hoping to keep awake the whole movie *fingers crossed* We also have tickets for the next morning (11am). Seriously I'll miss my sleep. I'll have to suck it up I guess. I love film festivals and I picked these films cos I wanted to see them bad. Why am I turning this simple thing into something so complicated? I should just try to relax about this scale business. I have to.

WHO KNEW I COULD LIKE MONDAYS!

I worked out both days over the weekend. Do you have any idea how awesome I feel! If I could I would be doing back flipsall day long. My energy level is definitely up. So is my mood. I'm smiling more. Less angry. More patient. I don't "hate" everything as much...  I see colors and brightness everywhere I look. I hope this feeling will not ever go away.

These lovely flowers blong to my mother. Have I told you she is an amateur painter. She picked up painting a few years ago, although she had talent all her life. It's never too late for anything.

Ok I have to confess something. Saturday night wasn't so good. S told me something that really hurt me. I know he didn't mean to but still.. that dark cloud didn't go away till the next day and it didn't go away fo easy. I don't wanna get into details. Because it's gone and I don't wanna make it into something more than it is. I feel great now and that should be what really is important.

Guess what! I had another 2-workouts-in-a-day! Went for my morning walk with J. YAY! I like walking with her. Oh, she told me she lost 2lbs this week!! She's trying to lose 18lbs total. Will I get to see the day when I need to lose only 18 pounds? Is that day ever gonna come really? I guess it has to.

Back to workouts. See the "s" at the end, means multiple! Hah love it! This morning when the hour was up I walked J to the bus (well it's not really a bus I don't know what to call it in English) said goodbye and walked home. Which made my total 96 minutes and burned 1041 calories! In the afternoon I also had another session of Last Chance Workout with my favorite trainer Jillian Michaels :) So totay my total is:

136 minutes (125@target heart rate)
1424 calories burned

I have to admit I ate more than meant to though. I had 1700 calories total. But come on do the math! I think I did good. Considerin I still have a million muffins sitting in the kitchen right now.

Have a wonderful week people! I ♥ you all!

WALK BABY WALK

For the first time today I woke up early to go for a walk! I live in Istanbul and there is a beautiful trail for walkers and bikers, etc by the sea 10 minutes from my home. So one of my best friends asked me to go for a walk yesterday and I said "yeah why not" Of course I regreted it by this morning. It was torture to wake up at 7:45 when I "couldn't" sleep because I couldn't put down my book. Well torture or not I did get up. Had my regular breakfast. I can't function without breakfast, so I don't have a problem with eating early, which I think is pretty lucky. 

So this photo is from this morning. I'm the ugly one on the right :) I don't think I'm ugly but hell this pic is not my best. Not that I look that good in any pics. The lovely lady on the left is J. Her mother was the nurse asisting my birth!! We go that far back! She is the reason I burned over 800 calories today before my mother  or my dog even woke up.

So there wasn't any sun around but the weather was still beautiful and fresh. Seeing so many people walking, running around also gives you a sense of belonging. I find that a little surprising. A happy one. We had our headphones on but still chatting and giggling of course. We walked for an hour and 16 minutes. J has a strange foot problem and she was having some trouble. We were getting tired too. But we'll try to build it up slowly. 10 minutes each time may be. Hoping to go for 3 days a week.

My parents were a little jealous. I really hope they'll come with next time. Monday. They can walk with their own pace and it's all about moving a little. And that morning air is like a drug! I always say it. Early morning is my favorite time of the day and I want it to be addictive.

I also did a 25 minute yoga session yesterday. But couldn't really hold on to it. Quit in the middle. It was a new video and too much work on the knees. Obviously I can't be on my knees and couldn't figure out an alternative and got exhausted pretty quick. I'll go for an old video tomorrow. Yoga for Weight Loss by Gaiam. I used to love that one. It doesn't have too much work on the knees which is great. I did good with food yesterday but today I was a very bad girl. My weapon of choice was McDonalds. I didn't even like it. I ended up eating 800 over my daily limit. I'm not gonna kill myself over it. It's done. Not gonna happen tomorrow. I'm over it. Tomorrow I'm buying new running shoes though! That will be my desert!

I also did the Virtual Me thing :) I find it a little funny a little hopeful a little troubling, but whatever.
Before 234lbs - After 150lbs