Oh Whatever...

Last week, I guess, I challenged myself to be 202lbs or less by yesterday. OK I'm not there yet. But I've lost 1.5 lbs anyhow! I'm liking this minuses how much ever they are. That doesn't mean I'm gonna chicken out to challenge myself again. By next monday I'm gonna lose 2 lbs or more! I dare you to lose more! (CBS cares)

I'm dead broke. Yet I keep seeing this cute blond who happens to be John McCains daughter for some mystical reason, and I don't want Meghan to be my role model as I'm not a young republican (duh!) still I wanna read her book. That story of her being asked to hire a image consultant, well forced to more like, when a pregnant teenager was around is selling me the book big time. And she had to pay for that consultant! Hellooo!! She was the better daughter for the campaign. Apparently though she "looked like a stripper, talked like a valley girl" (her words) geezzz! I think she is adorable. At least from this distance. And I would like to support her if only for her still being a blond! You go girl!

The weekend was nice but didn't make it to the islands. We were too much in need of some serious catching up with sleep we wouldn't be able to get up at a reasonable hour so we postponed obviously. We had a surprise on friday! We were coming home around 9pm when my cell rang. It was Ivy. She asked what I was doing and I said I'm just going back home when she screamed "don't". She was in Istanbul, just 10 minutes away from me!! Awww I was ecstatic!! We spent the night together. (don't get any ideas now) I needed that so much! I kept thinking I'm imagining this :D Then I was imagining why does she have to live in Ankara when this is the most beautiful city on earth! I didn't see her again (she left on sunday morning) because she was here with her family to try to sort out what's going on with her sister who may or may not get divorced soon. Very complicated situation they are in. Hope things will turn up for the better.

Ivy promised to come back soon or if I can figure out how I might go visit her, which I might also be preferring, not sure.

Skinny Taste is becoming my favorite website ♥ You can find the perfect recipe for any occasion and any kinda craving! I prepared my first chicken stock yesterday to cook cauliflower soup! Huh! Mum is enjoying me not getting out of the kitchen the most :) I do alter the recipes to our own tastes and habits. Becoming more confident every day. I'm loving this. This past week I cooked half of what we had for the family and I wish I could get paid for this. wink wink. If anyone else is looking for a great Minestrone recipe go here. You'll thank me.

xoxo

Cooking, Baking, Drinking

 

You will not believe this but I have been in the right mind set for the past two days! Two whole days! Especially today, I ate all the right things all the right times. Yesterday I started the day by baking! My first real baking (I made a few cookies before) and here is what I did. You should all try it. So yummy! And still in the line to be a snack! I couldn't get myself to use sugar, so substituted with Splenda. That made the scones low fat and low sugar! Fabulous! I couldn't believe the texture was right and I didn't mess it up. The baked scones looked exactly like the photo on Skinny Taste. Hah that's my thing. I get confidence from the photos. If what I did looks like the real deal then I am proud :)

Today I cooked Minestrone! Again from SinnyTaste.com. I had to substitute lentils instead of beans. Cos we don't use canned beans and I would have to let the beans rest in water overnight (or simply six hours but hell that's overnight to me) and I really wanted to cook something healthy for dinner. It is fat-free. Well OK low-fat in reality cos there is fat in the pasta but other than that no no no no fat! And it tastes great! One big bowl fills you up and leaves you satisfied! Satisfaction is a big deal for me!

The minestrone is packed with veggies. I also had celery for lunch. Had an apple, a pear and a banana with yogurt for snacks. Well my body isn't used to so much fruit and veggies!! Haha I'm so sleepy yet I have extra energy and I feel lighter than I normally do at night. Hah! That's a good diet for ya!

Mum is totally on board. We prepared (OK I did) an apple tea in the morning with lots of herbs and lemons and cinnamon and honey. Been drinking that all day in between meals. Helped a lot with my appetite. I'm already drinking something so I'm too busy to wanna eat a chocolate cake?! That kinda deal is going on. Tomorrow I'll be eating out at least one meal. But I'm gonna take a bottle of tea with me. Also an apple may be. 

I'm resting my knee today although I did go shopping out, not around the corner but picked a further market. In the middle of a rain shower. That was fun. My right knee is scaring me. I'm giving up on trying to get along with an other doctor who my insurance pays for. Cos the last idiot I went to see didn't find any problems, gave me pills that gave me violent vertigo! I'm NOT going back. I'm gonna try to see my old doc this week if my father can take me. Cos I can't afford to pay if he asks for any tests or whatever without daddy's credit card. Yeah that's the honest truth right there.

My weekend begins tomorrow!! WooHoo Have a great one xx

Oh Food Glows Too

 It's 1.30 am and I don't wanna go to sleep cos I feel so hungry! It's been like this for a couple of weeks. I get hunger "attacks" at night. I know I should have been asleep already! But guess what I did? I decided to READ about food. Where to go? Oh She Glows... Oh she glows alright. She is glowing my tummy right now. I guess I wanted to just get an idea for what I can cook for tomorrow. Of course I knew I would feel even more hungry and restless. I simply love food too much at the moment. I'm also so very sleepy.

Yeah whatever.. I found this beautiful lentil and bean casserole dish (here) and it is so easy to make, it's perfect! I love lentils. I can smell the dish already. Divine!

I loved this weekend! We did nothing special. But I just loved it! Strange how sometimes we just don't really feel much for our partners or people around us and the next day we are so in love the world seems to be dipped in yellow (my happy color). This week is one of those. I'm in love ♥ I can't get enough of my boyfriend. And this is the right week for it cos friday is a national holiday!! Right on time! If the weather is as good as it was this week we will have a wonderful 3-day weekend. I don't wanna jinx it. But I've been wanting to go to the islands (Istanbul have lovely islands with no traffic, only nature, beautiful people, nice houses, cute restaurants and some tourist shopping) I really hope we can go on saturday may be. Eat some good food and enjoy the fresh air. I want it as much as I want to eat right now.

I almost forgot the scale. I weighed in @ 204.5lbs today. Again. I'll be 202 lbs or less next week. Because I said so.

Mondays such even when you don't have a job cos that's the day I feel that I don't have a job the most.

I'm off to bed. Finally. Goodnight lovers.

How Dare You :)

 

Awww Stewie I feel your pain sweetheart! Only I don't have any ice cream in the house at the moment which is good news. For the ice cream. Me too. I am very into comfort eating today. Although it's like a hobby I haven't started yet. I'm saying so far so good. My worry is I'm done with my list today and what if I don't get sleepy soon :) It's a whole big mystery. Holly dolly now blogger informs me that imagine uploads will be disabled for two hours! Geezzz! Oh hold on silly me. It says tomorrow. Nevermind. So ha ha I uploaded my dinner to make sure. Such a paranoid yet so lovely, aren't I! (I'm in a good mood cos I'm just fed) Lots of spinach with low-fat cheese and nonfat milk mix with more seasoning and chicken breast.

I tried to go on the treadmill today after a week of no workouts cos my knee has been bad again! This time I can't even see my own doctor cos my insurance doesn't cover that hospital anymore!! This other a.hole didn't even see anything wrong with the knee. Gave me some pills said to come back in two weeks. I've been taking the pills for a week now. He also told me I could go on the treadmill, wasn't a problem. Yet 20 minutes of slowish walk I got scared my knee was giving me the finger! So whatever. I'm not gonna freak out before the 2 weeks period.

Before the knee thing I'd been doing the Physique 57 when I was away from the blog. I love that video. I can't wait to go back to it. If and when I go back I'll talk about it more. But for now I'm forcing mum to do it.

So it seems I have a new award. It just seems like that though. No truth in it. Yeah Yeah you wish! Amanda from AJ's WLJ gave it to me. Here is the proof. Considering this girl already lost 30 lbs!! I'm pretty flattered :) Thank you Amanda ♥

Let's hear the rules:
1. Thank the person who gave me the award. (oh yeah!)
2. Share seven things about myself.
3. Nominate 15 newly discovered blogs. (not to sound so annoying that's a huge number)
4. Let my nominees know about their award.

The seven things...
1- I have no respect or patience for people who wear fur.
2- I'm claustrophobic! Not so bad but it gets freaky at times I guess.
3- If I didn't have to find a job and had the money I'd open up a book store/ cafe... live happily ever after.
4- I'm a sucker for crime shows.
5- I am against war. I've been to a lot of protests when I was studying in California about the Iraq War and I don't even believe in any kind of violence as punishment. Yet I get teary eyed whenever I hear a story happy or sad about any soldier or US troops in general (well the whole world actually but that's not the subject here) cos I believe those men and women are doing what they do because they believe in something. I do think they have the best intentions at heart and will never understand (hoping not to understand really) why war protesters or whoever feel the need to attack these brave people for any reason at any time. I also can't help but have 100% respect for any person who would risk their own lives to protect any other. Does that make sense what I'm saying or did I just completely butchered this paragraph? Well I think you will understand me.
6- I said I don't believe in violence as punishment but I do believe in violence. I would like to hurt every single homophobe very brutally. That is that.
7- Sometimes I become one of those people who doesn't even try. Fear of failure. So strong.

I'm nominating 5 blogs for now and I didn't cheat. I'm new to all these blogs and they are blogs you should check out :)
Heather @ Fun, Fit and Fabulicious
Jeff @ LIFE Can Be Funny (Sometimes)
He Took My Last Name
Teale @ Teale's Meals
Dre @ Drastically Decreasing Downsizing Dre

THIS IS AN OFFICIAL COMEBACK!

It's been a month since I posted!! That is such a long time. But first I wanna say thank you for all your support ♥ It is unbelievable how important it can be the support of people I haven't even met face to face :) You guys rock! Especially Patrick! Here is what he told me:
An elephant was drinking out of a river one day, when he spotted a turtle asleep on a log. So, he ambled on over and kicked it clear across the river.
"What did you do that for?" Asked a passing giraffe.
"Because I recognized it as the same turtle that took a nip out of my trunk 53 years ago."
"Wow, what a memory" commented the giraffe.
"Yes," said the elephant, "turtle recall".

Patrick, I have no words LOL I am that elephant though. Not in the size but the mind. I have no practical memory but I don't forget stupid stuff like that. I always wait for the moment I will have my kick! Painful it sounds. So I'm working on moving on. I have some success with this actually. Some anger, frustration, ugliness I had been dragging on for over 12 years... I recently finally let go. But that's not the subject here really :) Not today. I just wanted to say I'm trying and I'll get there some day. See the turtle and not kick, cos that kick hurts me more. Yeah for growing up a little.

Should I give you an update? My grandma got worse before it got, just a little, better. (Just to remind you, she thought she was pregnant from my father and wanted to kill the baby) Her doctors' have been great. One of them had the exact same problem with her mother!! So doctor told us all about how these things go and everything she said was right on. Like grandma was always obsessed about her stuff, constantly counting her underwear, shoes, batteries... and claim something was stolen everyday. Doctor says usually the sexual freak-outs come next. Her mother actually thought she got raped by her own son! I can't imagine how scary that must have been. Thankfully my grandma didn't have that kinda thinking. She just thought she was pregnant. Now she KNOWS she isn't!!!! YAY a little success. She is somehow uncomfortable with dad though. And he is now all nervous to come home. Although this whole thing seems like fading away slowly. May be next month things could go back to normal.

Oh my cousin! She had the operation and the cancer has been officially removed and there is no spread! The rest of her tests came back clean. On top of that she won't need a very difficult treatment. She will be good as new in a few months.

My funny little dog has been sick. She is old and it is time to except that. I had been missing a lot of sleep getting up in the middle of the night to fight her trying to make her swallow the medicine. She also quit eating for about a week! Our sweet vet told me it was normal. It took dogs time to recover and have their appetite back. Then she asked me wouldn't I feel the same way. I couldn't stop laughing! I finish my last bite and start imagining the next meal! How can I ever understand such a concept! :) My doggy is doing much better and she is eating just like her mama :D At least she wants to.

I have been eating a little dangerously this week. I am not sure but I might be on my period. Yes I don't know when I have a period. Cos I don't have physical evidence most of the time. My IUD pretend stopped my periods. I just don't always "see" anything. So sometimes I just am not sure if I'm right at that time. Because I had this thing for 4 years (ouch it has to come out next year and a new one comes and ouch ouch OUCH) let's be frank who can keep track of something they can't see for 4 years. Why the hell am I writing all this?? Oh right! I had an appetite overload this week. Now I'm trying to get back on track. Just started today so these first two days are not easy for me. Gotta make sure I'm not gonna chicken out, running away from the scale next monday!

I have been cooking a little. For me and the family. One thing I wanna tell you, I poached an egg today!!! Not 100% perfect but almost! :) Watching others do it on tv or internet I seriously doubted I could do it. By the way I'm not sure if no one makes it around here but my parents have no concept of poached eggs. I'm sure I had them in elementary school or at someone else's home, but yeah apparently it's not a popular concept and I personally have no idea why.

Now I gotta go get ready. I'm taking mum to see Avatar. Gonna be her first 3D! It was time she saw the movie too. I love re-releases! Have a great week ♥


P.S. I also got a blog award from Amanda. Check out her blog here. I'll post about the award tomorrow. Thanks! xo

Just Bad News and Nothing More

I've been losing it, yet it's not fat or weight or inches or anything like that. It's not going better, it's only getting worse it seems. So many things happening yet nothing really is. I keep thinking all day I should blog and write about this and that and it would feel better after I get it all out. I'm not doing that either. I'm suffocating. That is exactly how I feel. A few bloggers have been complaining about now wanting to write about the negative all the time and that feeling keeping them from writing. I feel just like them. It's only negative. Well... of course it can't be all, but it certainly feels that way.

This week I found out a cousin of mine has... this is so difficult for me. This is the very first person to have... in either side of the family. Naturally I didn't expect anyone to ever have it. Damnit. Cancer. I haven't said it out loud yet. I don't want to. She is not just-a-relative to me. We shared the same room for may be 4 years when I was about 4-8. Her family lives in another city and my mum brought her to live with us while she was studying in college. Probably helped her get into one too I just don't remember and didn't care cos those years mean something entirely different to me than studying. She is like my half sister. I possibly thought she was for a while. She has a five-years-old daughter now. And that is her biggest fear. Leaving her daughter. I just can't bare the thought. She is having surgery on Monday. Then we'll know exactly what is going on. There is a change it is more than one place. It might have spread already. Or the rest is unrelated. Will know soon. She says she is scared. I hate to hear that. I am scared too. I don't want to be. I don't want anyone to be scared. I just want it all better already. Why can't it be all better already!

My grandma is also not so good. She came back last week. It was all good until yesterday. She told mum that she thinks she is pregnant. My grandma thinks she is pregnant and it is so not funny. She thinks the baby is my father's! She told mum that she would try to poison the baby so it'll go away. Mum is freaking out. We are both worried she might hurt herself. Mum asked me not to tell anyone so I'm telling you. I don't think she should feel embarrassed but she does. You can't help it, I guess. We haven't told dad cos what the hell would he feel or do about it. So strange. Mum went to see her neurologist this morning. The doc told her that is was OK, it was just and episode and it will go away. Prescribed some pills. If they don't change something by next week we'll try a new one. I think the stress of staying with my aunt might have something to do with it. Apparently my aunt was tucking her in every night and giving her a goodnight kiss until one day grandma told her she was missing my mum and wanted to come back. After that grandma cried herself to sleep every night. Don't get me started on my aunt and her twisted family. You get the picture!

I still don't have a job. Owe major money to someone. Haven't managed to graduate yet. Don't have a job. Am not losing shit. Money is so tight I wanna just sleep through my life. I am sick of it all. I am sick of myself at the moment.

I made a schedule for the next two months. Workout. I'll write about it tomorrow. I promise. At first I meant to take a break from blogging. Like that would help anything. I should just write more often. Found some new blogs too. Who invented blogging? I love them. I admire them.

Beautiful Day

Hello Hello! Last night, finally, we saw U2! Man I think I've been waiting for this concert all my life. Been a fan for 14 years now. Before that I was a fan I just didn't know about it :) Purchased the tickets last year! Can you imagine the waiting for the actual event! It was all worth it. It was heaven. I want more. I really want more.

Boyfriend, last minute, found some extra tickets and mom, who always thinks everything is too expensive and yes we do have a financial hell right now but yeah, got to come with us! Which was perfect. She doesn't listen to much music but she enjoys big shows. Last year she came to Björk's concert with my and J and she probably had even more fun than us if it is possible. Daddy wouldn't come. He just lives in a different world than us, just the same house. Nevermind. He simply doesn't share anything with me or mom. And I guess I'm old enough to except him as he is. Whatever... I was thrilled mom could come. Boyfriend enjoyed it more than Bono himself and I still want more :)

I have a little complaining to do though. If I didn't I wouldn't be me, right? The stupid Olympic Stadium the concert was at is ridiculous! Since they built that place whoever had to go to that place been miserable. Getting out of the parking hell took us over 2 hours!!! We were home past 3 am! How do you not fix such a mess in the past, I'm not sure but possibly 5 years. Stupid stupid stupid! OK I'll admit I didn't mind it that much but my poor boyfriend had to get up at 5.30 am to get to work! Isn't it strange how we get defensive when a loved one has to just lose some sleep? I can yell at him all day then he can't get enough sleep and I wanna take revenge and cuddle my baby for a whole week :)

In the end it was a wonderful night and I wouldn't mind living it over and over again.

On my last post I answered 8 questions for Patrick has tagged me. I tagged 8 people in the end and one of them was Luke! This too-smart-for-his-own-good Luke tagged me back!! :) He is a smart one alright! So here I'm answering his questions this time.

1. What is your favorite song quote?

Gonna be lame may be but all I can think of is "You can't always get what you want, but if you try sometime you just might find, you get what you need." by the Rolling Stones

2. What is your favorite exercise or workout?
Most of what I can do is walk. But I love workout videos/DVDs. Anything Jillian Michaels is good to me.


3. Favorite place to go on vacation and activity to do?
Italy! Anywhere in Italy will do :) I like feeling free and just taking walks, sitting at a cafe, drinking my espresso, reading a book or just have a conversation. Simple.

4. Do you collect anything, if so what and how did it start?
Other than fat I guess I collect movies. I don't have a number for you but I probably have over 200 DVDs at the moment. Then there are other formats. How I started? My dad lend me his credit card :)

5. Hardest obstacle you have had to overcome in your weight loss/fitness/training goals?
My body is like an obstacle course. I got two injured knees, arrhythmia, inner ear balance problems, chronic insomnia and gastritis. I don't think I left anything out. Other than that I have no will power. I see it I eat it. And that is my biggest problem still.

6. What do you do now and if you could choose any career what would it be?
I'm still looking for a job! This question is mean :) Just kidding. One day I would like to own a cafe/book store. Run the place, make people feel good and write my own stuff along the way.

7. If you could choose and exotic animal to have as a pet what would it be?
A Puma.

8. Do you use a reward system for your goals, (formally set or not) and if so what is your favorite reward?
I do. I already have a dress (I can't fit in it yet) my boyfriend bought for me from one of my favorite shops modcloth.com. When I get under 200lbs I'm getting a water bottle! I think.


Today is the last day of Ramadan!!! Also meaning we have a 4 day-weekend!!!!!!!! Well today was a half day for people who actually have jobs. Boyfriend asked to come over to watch a movie or something. I told him to just go to bed :) He needs his sleep more than I need to see him. I need to help my mom with some cooking and cleaning for the Ramadan Holiday. A lot of visitors and visits for the religious holidays. I help today then I'm free for the next four days. Cos I'm not into crowds that much. Neither is mom but dad want it so he gets it. Grandma is suppose to come back soon. I miss her more than I thought I would. I still doubt I'll feel the same when she arrives. Go figure.

Happy Wednesday!

You've Been Tagged

Hello! I've had an interestingly busy week with family affairs. Guests from out of town (my father's aunt, her daughter and her family), another cousin of mine is having a job scare, last night she cried for hours "my daughter is just 4, how am I gonna take care of her with only my husband's income..." My father did a little asking around today and the situation may not be as bad as my cousin thought at first. And stuff like that. I was talking to mom last night and we both think bad or not so ideal things come in bulk. We will just need to get through our own hell with the finance, lack-of-jobs, and all the rest and there will be light at the end of the tunnel!

About the weekly planning... I did good last week and lost another pound :) But this week started bad. With the guests and oh very horrible eating especially on monday and tuesday. Now I'm working very hard to take it back. For example, yesterday I did The Biggest Loser Last Chance Workout and walked on the treadmill for 40 minutes! That added up to 925 calories burned in one day! I am sore obviously so only walking for today. Tomorrow I wanna have a similar workout session as yesterday. I had to rest for four days around the weekend because of my knees. But hopefully I won't have to for a while and promised myself to walk at least 45 minutes every single day. I really really really want to see a loss next monday too. Well I wanna see a loss every monday till I'm on target!

(UPDATE: Before I finished this post my mom called me and told me she wasn't gonna workout today so I could get on the treadmill right away. So I did. Walked 5.3miles (8.6km) in 90 minutes, burned 920 calories!! WOoHOo)

Oh hey I changed my blogger template! What do you think? I loved the old one but it was even more childish looking or so I thought. I love the new hot chick :) I'll call her River (as it is not my real name anyways) how smart am I :p (say "very") Love you back!

I was tagged by the magnificent Patrick! Thank you sir, you are very kind. I'm suppose to answer these 8 questions and make up new questions and tag others. Let's give it a try.

1.You can have one super power, what would it be?
Losing the weight and staying in perfect shape. Would that count as a super power? May be not. So let's think. I certainly don't wanna hear people's thought. Too scary and probably depressing for me. I'd also be very paranoid about anyone else reading my own. Do you think flying would burn a lot of calories?? That could be nice.
But honestly I would like to have the power of healing. Myself and others. Both physical and mental healing.

2.Which do you see as more important, diet or exercise?
I would say exercise. May be because overall that is the thing I need to work on most and keep at it. Diet by itself can't shape your body, build strength and don't forget endorphins!

3. If we're forced to become vegetarians by law could you do so or would you frequent the black market for meat?
No way! Don't even think about it. That would be a nightmare coming true for me! I'd sell my soul to the black market just to get a piece of turkey even! I'm a fast oxidiser and without a proper portion of protein I do not function and I need my meat to support that throughout the day.

4. Do you consider the word 'Obese' to be a proper word to define those extremely over-weight, or do you consider it to be improper if not a hateful word?
I don't mind the word obese or fat or whatever. Probably because I don't let people to use it in the "wrong" way. But I'm an intimidating woman so I know other people who have a problem with others using these words. I simply use them to state facts.

5. Do you believe that Elvis died on August 16, 1977 or was his death a conspiracy cover up?
Sorry to disappoint anyone but right this second Elvis is watching a game show in my living room. As soon as I'm done here I'll join him and may be he'll sing Heartbreak Hotel for me before bedtime. (Dare to dream people)

6. How much water do you drink a day and do you agree that water intake of 8 glasses a day or more is critical to a healthy body?
I agree cos I have seen what the lack of enough water in your body can do to you. A friend of mine used to forget to drink water cos she hated it. She fainted frequently and many other problems followed..
I drink about 12 glasses. This is an average. I drink more during summer and even more if I workout. I don't drink it to lose weight or be healthy. I drink because I get thirsty. It's been the same all my life. I'm just lucky about water.

7. Aliens have invaded earth and landed a mile from your house, do you run for the hills, do you grab a weapon & charge, or do you try and communicate with them?
First I try to find a vantage point for me and my family. Then I observe if they are hostile or not. If they are hostile I run for my life. If not I try to communicate. Of course they may hide their agenda. So I'll always be looking the exit signs. Then again does anyone has a chance if aliens invaded earth. Thank God I live in Istanbul. Aliens always invade USA :)

8. Is your current approach to getting healthy an approach you consider to be fun and can you do it for the rest of your life?
I want to do it for the rest of my life. That's why I take it a week at a time. I don't follow someone else's diet. I'm trying to learn more and try new things, get them in my favorites list somehow. It's a process and it will not end at any given point of my life.

You've been tagged:
Stefi
baygirl32
Jessica
Tammy
Whitney
Putz
Luke
Kimbo (and here)

Your questions:
1. Who is your hero? Why?
2. Do you have a garden where your grow your veggies? If not do you try to buy organic or do you find it costs way too much?
3. Do you use exercise videos? What's your favorite, why?
4. Favorite workout music?
5. How do you measure your progress? If you haven't reached your goal yet, do you own any skinny clothes you keep to remind you of your goals?
6. Do you have any secrets to keep your energy up for the workouts or your day in general?
7. I like Patrick's super power question so what would your super power be if you could have one?
8. If you had the opportunity to move to anywhere in the world, where would it be?

Aphrodite

This is my new favorite workout cd :) I love Kylie and there are at least 4 songs in this album I just can't get enough of and make me wanna go harder, faster, stronger! ♥ If you're also constantly looking for new songs I recommend Get Outta My Way, Aphrodite, Cupid Boy and Can't Beat the Feeling.

As promised I made out a plan for the whole week. Food and exercise. The exercise part is going fine, I'm all sore! I missed that feeling. I'd been avoiding strenght training most of the summer. No more avoiding. The food part is fine too really. But I've been eating about +100-120 calories on top of my plan. It's not that big of a deal. Although I'm not getting a reward this week I decided. If I am good next week I'm getting a hair cut. I need it, yet I can't seem to get my wallet agree with me. So as a reward wallet won't hold a chance to argue.

By the way I have no weight change to report. I wrote a post about this on monday and forgot to push the "Publish Post" button and now it sounded so irrelevant that I skipped on it. I wanna try not to torture myself every day, still can't help it. I can't change my stress status for now. Well I can try little things to help I know, I do I guess. But I need to fix my sleeping schedule once again. I'm trying to pull it back half an hour every night. With this rate I'll fix it in six months. Just kidding. I need a solid week though.

I'm going out to dinner with my boyfriend and his sister tonight. During Ramadan we have a lot of these dinners. Hard to be a good girl, but let me tell you I've done so much better than previous years. I'm gonna give you an example of these dinners tomorrow. I gotta go workout now =) Have a greak wednesday!

Old

They say "the heat" is going away in 10 days!! Excellent news but it's the middle of August. How much better can it really get??! Hopefully a lot... I'm just not gonna get my hopes up yet. My last post was mostly about the heat and I got some wonderful comments so thank you all. I'm in the process of "sucking it up" and I gotta push myself a little more. All I can manage is an hour long walk right now. Or 75 minutes tops! :D

I want to plan my whole week and stick to eating and exercising for 7 days. Then may be reward myself :) Since I wanna do this more than once, the reward must be something little but will make me look forward to the end of the challenge. May be a book or a skin product? Something to make me feel good but not really nonsense, I wanna be able to use the reward not wear it a couple of times and forget like a necklace.

I've been bored a little lately. Need to try new recipes. My confidence in kitchen isn't really all that high yet. When I see a recipe I think I'd love, I think to myself no way I'm pulling this off. Ridiculous, right? I'm old enough to know not to give up at first try! Duh!

My habits keep changing slowly. My favorites, dislikes... For example, did you know I did not like pears a bit all my life. I didn't like the taste, texture, nothing. Two weeks ago I really really wanted fruit and all my options were watermelon and pears. Well.. it was the middle of the night so I had to try pear because I didn't wanna have to get up every hour to get all the juice watermelon would provide out of my system all night long.

The pear... was heavenly. Just like the cabbage soup I just had. No way you could make eat cabbage a year ago. Now when I go crazy I can't even binge properly. :D I get frustrated with too much sugar or fat. Not that I'm losing weight any faster and it's been real slow, true. But I think I need to let go of the old girl and embrace what's changing in me and my life. Because a lot is going on and I've been acting like a scared little girl. It is time except my new responsibilities and get on with the process already. Losing weight is a big part of it. It is a big big change that effects a huge part of my life. It is there every day, with every bite I eat, every choice I make, every time I put on my walking shoes...

Since my birthday, and I never cared for birthdays, I've been feeling like it's gonna be OK. Everything will be just fine soon. I will find the balance again.

The Heat

How do you deal with the heat and working out? It is burning hot and I don't have a gym membership or access to a pool. The treadmill isn't in my room, which is the only room with an AC. I walked an hour on the treadmill yesterday and it was the longest 60 minutes!! So I'm serious, how do you deal with this? or do you even have such a problem?

Diet has been going fine last 10 days and I don't feel like going nuts, binging etc yet. My mother is struggling a little. But she is walking everyday, not complaining about the heat as much as I do. She is really trying. I'm really trying. The heat is just not a friend right now. We can't just go out to get some fresh air as there is none due to the endless humidity. It gets boring!

One of our teachers wanted to take Ivy and me out today to celebrate our birthday. I was excited about it last night. Then the sun came up and I couldn't get out of it fast enough! Ivy felt the same way. So we all agreed to meet next time Ivy is in town.

I've been stressing about very silly stuff lately. Somehow I can't shake this weird feeling. Everything makes me feel frustrated, down, stressed. I feel like I'm a failure as long as I'm not done with school work, don't have a job, not lose weight.... The diet might be going fine but something in me is just not doing so good. I gotta find out what needs fixing so I can move on with my life and fix the rest without drowning in my own mess.

Happy Birthday to ME!

I've got a feeling this year will be awesome!! :) I woke to have lost 1 lbs! Even my scale is being nice to me. Imagine all the possibilities!!! I'm officially celebrating tomorrow with a bunch of girlfriends and Ivy (her birthday is wednesday). 4 years of friendship and finally we're celebrating together :D

People I feel good! Wish you all feel as good too ♥

Coming Up

Yeah I got more dogs today. Across the street from my aunts house a neighbor gave birth to 6 lovely puppies. My cousin is holding 2 little girls and she kept praying she wouldn't drop them. Ha ha! Love is a battlefield, aint it!

These smart ladies have the most gorgeous eyes I've seen on a dog. And look how smart the right one is, covering her sister's vahvahs with a quick move :)

But I was in love with their brother. For some reason this guy stole my heart the moment I laid my eyes on him. Summer love...

Monday is my BIRTHDAY!!! Aww I'm 26! The last five years or so I really didn't want to get any older. Yet it keeps happening every year. My mum always wanted to stay 30. I don't understand it. I wanna be 16 or 20 at most. Well... if it were really possible I think I could settle for 23 also. It's all about the plans really. I meant to be a lot slimmer by my birthday and of course I'm too late for that. I'm gonna have to except the fact I only lost 27 lbs all year. But I'm 27 lbs lighter! Yay! I guess.. I have new deadlines about my weight. Cos I don't wanna wear a wedding dress with my size! No offense to anyone but I would die!

My mama is in 100% diet mode. She got new tests done about her heart,etc and every problem she has can be connected to her weight and cigarettes she smoked for 30 years (she quit about 2 months ago btw). I hope this will encourage me more and may be even my father. He seriously needs to lose a lot. His blood sugar keeps jumping up and down yet he can't put his ice cream down. Fingers crossed.

One little issue. Ramadan beings on wednesday! I don't fast. But my dad and boyfriend do. And at Ramadan food gets crazier. Special breads and bacon all over. There is cream and more butter, desert for every single dinner.... an endless feast. We'll be eating out every weekend (we already do but Ramadan is just different) which will be difficult for me to control myself. Then again may be this is the perfect timing for Ramadan because I need to learn self control already. Don't you think? I'm beginning to feel like a soldier :) That must be a good thing cos I'm fighting and I shall win!

The week is almost over!! =)  Have a superb thursday!

Honey I'm Home :)

I'm back!! It's sooo good to be home. I bet you don't even remember me anymore! Been so long :D I was visiting my aunts and cousins out of town with my family. The first day we got there we wanted to come back!! It's so not our thing to be "guests" at someone else's home. Especially if that someone else is a very bad-tempered, annoying, out of this world witch. Well.. my aunt and uncle aren't exactly lovely people. As much as I love them, it was stressful being there. Even my father agrees and that's saying something. Besides all my complains it wasn't actually horrible obviously. A while back I wrote about a cousin of mine getting divorced. Well she is their daughter and things aren't exactly going well with the custody issues which makes everyone on edge. Painful and long period before all the people involved settle into their new lives. etc. etc. etc.

Well the woman got divorced and can't see her own daughter but! about a month ago she wakes up in the middle of the night because of a annoying noise coming from outside. She gets up to find out what's crying out on the street and what's their problem. She opens the house door and there right beside it sits a tiny little thing sent by an angel asking for help.

This little monster is who I'm talking about. Oh yeah she is a monster!!! A damn cute one of course :) She is 2 months old now and bites anything and everything she comes across including various body parts and some ruined items of clothing of mine. I am so in love with this little girl I almost cried saying goodbye. But I decided my aunt and uncle would be offended if I cried because of a dog and not them! My cousin named her Balım "My Honey" and come on if she doesn't deserve such a name who does?!

My own baby girl (who is 12 years old/awww she is getting old) isn't really a playful, active dog and we love her even more for it, being all lazy and all. But living with a puppy for three weeks was amazing. I took her running, playing catch and whatever she wanted and it was such a great time. Made me think about all the years I didn't get to spend with my Snow White. I just hope she is happy with us because our lives are that much better since we met her ♥

So I said we wanted to leave as soon as we got there. So did Snow White :) She really can't stand other dogs! We didn't have any jealousy problems but boy was she not happy! Also she didn't enjoy her schedule all messed up. We had to get up early everyday being guests at someone else's house. So did she. Well when 8 people are awake and running around she can't really keep sleeping like she does in our home. Here she gets up around 11 am and goes for a walk about noon. There she was forced to pee at 9 am so she wouldn't do any business inside. It was torture for all parties. I love that she is very much like me :)

She ran out of the house while we were trying to get all the luggage in the truck and settled in the backseat. A backseat she can't climb by herself I might add because it's an SUV and she is a very little girl. She did me proud with that performance. Really proud. This is her sleeping in her bed in the car with my legs in the shadows :)

I have so much to say yet I've been talking about dogs and I'm not even done about the dogs LOL I'll leave the rest for tomorrow. Let me give you a quick summary.
It is about 90 degrees everyday here!!! We are slowly melting in a bad way!
J is on her way back from New Jersey right about now!!
Ivy will be in Istanbul on Monday.
My mom is full on diet mode!!! YAY!
I did not gain any weight on the vacation.
It looks like I'm getting married in May. (trying not to panic!!!!)


Love,
River

Random

I do not like any kinda berry pancakes
I don't wanna leave comments (I also know people who don't leave comments because of this) when I see the "your comment will be visible after approval" line on top of the page. It's just annoying
After 25 years I finally like fruit :)
And I don't hate veggies
I feel safer because I'm fat
That's gotta change cos if everything goes well I'm getting married before June2011
Ouch
I gotta move!
Ivy is here by the way
She'll be staying till wednesday
J already wants to come back home :D
Any Grace Jones fans out there?
I've gone crazy. We're seeing Grace Jones next friday night
It's not the kinda event my boyfriend likes but hey it'll be different and he likes different
In exactly one month I'll be 26. I don't wanna be. what happened to 16?
It'll also mean my little doggy's been living with us for 4 years!! She is getting older too but looking like a puppy! I'm so jealous :)
I love weekends... have a great one everybody ♥

Blueberry Love

Blueberries have been on sale (blame the economy) for a while at our market. I'm so in love with blueberries. My favorite berries I might add. So sweet and perfect to compliment anything you might wanna place them next to. They make me happy. I'm telling you all this because Patrick asked me "What is it that you want to do or get into that will make you happy that you can realistically do today, tomorrow, or as far as a week out?" Obviously blueberries are not enough to "change my life" but little things always add up, right?

Well... more than fruit I need a couple of other things. I need a job! I'm so annoyed and frustrated about the one job I really wanted. Will it ever happen? It's not up to me but I've been waiting for a long time. So it is way past time I start looking for something else. I don't even wanna think about this subject but I'm really tired of waiting here. Time to move on. If that job still happens I'll be on board happily ever after.

My boyfriend has been hiding in his shell. Probably since he's been back from his service. It's not like anything bad happened while he was there. He's always been a quiet guy. Doesn't talk much about his problems or his inner whatever. But since he's been back it seems he doesn't ever talk. It's like he's lost his ability to have a conversation sometimes. He doesn't even wanna see his friends. Don't get me wrong. He does have reasons like he is always tired working 12 hours then gym everyday... He has been stressing about his work conditions not improving like he is not paid what he deserves at all and the hours are so long, etc. He stopped caring for anything else almost. I need to break his shell once again and get him to enjoy things a little. That would make me happy.

I've talked to J a few times since last week. She is doing great and I'm feeling a lot better about her being away :)  She is hoping to be back early august if there isn't any news.

People we have a serious problem!!!! The 7th Harry Potter movie is almost out and next year we'll see the last movie!! Then it will be over!!! No more Happy Potter!!!!! No amount of vampire hotness can match the magic Harry provides... I'll be heartbroken my friends... But it is worth this love. My heart will go on and on...


Love yourself
♥River

Useless

 

I've been hiding inside my shell the past two weeks. I don't know why. But I sure am embarrassed about how I ignored this blog and others, I let go of my food tracking, may be even stopped caring for myself... I have been doing nothing. NOTHING!! Two whole weeks. Sitting at my desk, playing video games. I feel useless and absolutely miserable. I'm not sure what the hell happened to me. Let me tell you how it started though.

I spent most of sunday (two weeks ago) with J. I couldn't help be emotional all day. See I never wanted siblings although my parents asked me a few times. But if I could pick a sibling I would want J as my sister and noone else. Then again we sometimes go months without seeing each other. That doesn't matter. We will be there if one needs the other. Somehow I'm just not handling her going to New Jersey for the rest of the summer. I think not knowing when she will be back (cos she really doesn't know and might stay till the end of september) is making me uncomfortable. It feels like she won't be back. Ever. And there is a reason for that.

I studied in California for two years. Then I quit. The first year was all fun. I met some amazing people, had an absolutely awesome time. Second year is a different story though. I broke up with my longtime girlfriend. I started thinking I've already seen LA I just wanna be home. I got sick of the food. I started sleeping all day, up all night. Not partying! I'm not a partying type. I just lived like that. I missed the sun and that's a tough thing to do in Southern California!

I got depressed. I got so depressed that I couldn't wake myself up for days. I needed help for that. I had to see a shrink I seriously don't know how often. I got some pills priscribed that I never took. Everything was shit. Plain shit. I really really really wanted to be home. When I came back home that summer it took me two months to tell my parents that I didn't wanna go back. They wasted ridiculous amount of money so I can study in CA which I'd been telling them I wanted for so many years. Now I didn't wanna go back. So I stayed.

Damn! I don't wanna write about all this anymore. Sorry. I've been down and it's time to get back up already. I need to wake up already.

Thank you for all your support. I love you all. OK I love some of you a little more but I love you all! ♥

Quick Update and Weigh-in

Hello! Hello! I've got updates for you. Which might not pass for a decent blog post and I realize I've been lazy about the blog (scares me to death) but I promise (especially to myself!) that I'll get my sh*t together.

1 - I lost weight! YAY =) -3lbs this week. Me happy ☺

2 - My treadmill is not working. On wednesday I got ready and stepped on my little stubborn monster wouldn't start. The panic, the annoyance, followed by the fear of the weigh in... The repairman showed up the next day, but it he stopped by on his way to an appointment so he just looked around to see what the problem was and is promised to fix it today. Fingers crossed.

3 - I have gone down to 1200 the first couple of days of the week then went up to 1600s on wednesday and closed the day at 1300 the last two days. These numbers are like miracle to me. Planning ahead worked so far and I don't have to get stressed over eating something then balancing it later in the day. Me happy again.

4 - My little doggy, Snow White, continued her peeing conquest until friday. She even peed in her own bed!!! Not normal at all. We have been to the vet and he is there is nothing wrong with her. She is definitely protesting something. I don't understand why I didn't think about this before but my grandma is visiting my cousins out of town for a couple of weeks. She did leave the fist day doggy pee arrived on my bed. But grandma doesn't really like the dog. If it were up to her Snow White would be back on the streets to be honest. But that doesn't matter to a dog. She just loves people. Can't help it probably. We have been giving "extra love" however we think it's possible since the "enlightenment" and she seems fine for now.

•●●ஐ๑HAPPY FATHER'S DAYஐ●●•

Burn Baby Burn

 
I kinda sorta hate myself (or dislike very much) when I don't post often enough. I've gone lazy. But not only that... After everything going so well all week I weighed in on saturday and my scale informed me that I gained half a pound. Excuse me??? What the hell is that stupid square bastard is trying to tell me? I feel rage!

Still I did not give up. Don't think for a second that I did. No! I had an average day on saturday. Ate whatever I wanted on sunday (I will probably do this till the rest of my life). Just like I planned. When I say I ate whatever I want it's not really what it used to be. I don't wanna jinx it though :)

This week I'm going lower with the calories. I have been thinking about going down to 1200s. But couldn't get myself to even consider it. Last week with planning so much I felt that I was ready to try. It's been two days now. On monday I had 1230 and today 1252 calories. I'm about to go to bed so I'm certain I won't eat anything else. I already planned tomorrow's meals and hoping to end the day with 1227. I'll go higher for the weekend especially considering I'll be out dancing with J on sunday at the music festival I've been waiting for all month. It will be our only day/night our for the rest of the summer as she is leaving for New Jersey just a week from now! Damn... I'll miss that girl.

I burned my belly with boiling milk yesterday. I thought the weather was hot. Who said milk was good for you!! It's total bs. I have burned skin size of a zippo. It turned a deep purple color today with dark pink corners. At least it's not hurting anymore, right! Hold on. I took a second look. It's 3/4s of a zippo.

The bigger problem is my dog actually. On sunday night I was watching tv till my eyes wouldn't stay open. What a shock! I somehow managed to change and get ready to get in the bed. I turn the lights off. I'm in haven with my pillow. I'm a stretcher 24/7. So I stretch my legs and something is wet. I turn the lights back on. Sit up. Yeah the feet of my bed is wet. I'm thinking did I spill something. No. So what the hell is that. I bent down to investigate and yes it smells like pee. Now I'm in hell. I had to get up, change my sheets, open the window... Of course I couldn't sleep half the night. I'm thinking was she mad at me? Or was she unable to control her muscles??

So the next day she pees on my sweatshirt which was on bed again. I'm mad but confused. I don't yell at the dog cos I really need more information about what happened. My dad is already mad at her all the time because my dog does pee on carpets all over the house for different reasons. We have a behavioral problem. Might also be the reason she was kicked out of her previous house, but getting kicked out might also be the reason for peeing whenever she decides she wants more attention. (My cousin rescued her from streets)

You see why I need more info? I don't wanna jump to conclusions especially considering she is about 13 years old (again just the vet's guess because of her heart condition). But today I caught her on action!!! I walked her twice before the afternoon to make sure she won't have to pee all over. But she did. She has a large pillow next to my bed she uses when she doesn't wanna be in her own bed. This time she peed on it. I was mad alright. Very disappointed also. I'm stressed about this business all day and don't know what she'll aim at tomorrow. Gonna take her to vet thursday probably. I need a ride from my dad. He won't be home much tomorrow though. So we'll wait one more day. I don't really know what the vet might say. Will he even have anything to say about it. Because whatever we did we couldn't stop her peeing on the carpets. Now this... Hope she'll give up on her own.

And look at this beauty. Who's think she was such a naughty naughty girl?

Challenge is going....

PRETTY GOOD!! I'm as surprised as you are. I have to treat myself like a child and it works so who's gonna complain! Not me. So here is my report for the past 5 days (official report I will need to send to Biz tomorrow!)

- track food every day

I was afraid I would fail miserable at this because it's so boring and annoying and a second time annoying! Hah! I rocked at this. Monday I logged in everything I ate on Spark People. But since tuesday I've been planning all what I should eat the night before. I stuck with all this planning most of the time. The exception being last night. I had some dumb cramps etc so I gave myself some random excuse to eat a cheese sandwich (200calories aprox) which also put me over my calories for the day.

-weekly limit of 11,000 calories

I've given myself 500 extra calories a week to give myself some room not to go panick mode. But I was trying to save it up for weekend. Not happening. Which gives me the impression that at least one day I will not care for the calories. Now here is the important part. May be it is OK not to care for calories for a day (does not mean having high calorie foods all day at all) but I also promised myself 11000 calories a week. But I couldn't save up enough to have a "happy" day. Then again if I don't have my day I might just lose it!!!! Because I've been hungry and unsatisfied almost all week!!!!!!! I'm screaming inside but don't wanna disturb you with all capitals cos if I start now I won't be able to stop.

OK. Deep breaths. Everything is fine. This was a great week. So just calm down. Keep breathing. Fine!

-limit fat and sugar

Only sugar I had all week came from fruit. I didn't think I would survive without ice cream. Turns out I can. And fat was all from olive oil and hazelnut oil on my salads, veggies, etc. Now tell me that doesn't sound good! Hah! Score! on both fat and sugar! =D

-workout 4 times a week

Well I've been doing my "walks" of 1 km, 1.5 km blah blah. I find it a little boring going so slow and don't really have any motivation for it. But in a week the kilometers will get to be more serious and it will all come back to me. Oh and thank you for all who asks me about my knee... it's doing well I guess. Didn't have any pain lately. It's making a lot of noise though! It used to be scary. Now I'm just too used to it so it's just funny! I also have to wear a knee thingy while walking as a workout. I'm not in love with it but it feel like it's doing a lot of the job instead of the knee so can't complain. (I'm still gonna say I didn't like paying about $70 for it)

-keep my living space organized

I'm not done yet but I've gone through some spaces in this room that I haven't seen or cared for a long time. If I end up alone by the time I'm 60 (and I'm being optimistic) I'll be the cat lady who collects all the crap in the world cos she thinks "what if I need this some day". So I'm trying to change that. Thrown away a lot of junk and will keep going through every tiny little corner (I have nothing but time)

I'm not really planning on posting a report like this every week. I just thought this week was a little better than I thought it would be so I had to share :)

---------------------

I've been having some (a ton) problems with my internet. I don't know what the hell but let me tell you it took me about six hours to write this post because it keeps cutting off. So I might have forgot some (a lot) of the stuff I meant to write and it's been very difficult to read your blogs. Hope it will be fixed soon. It has been driving me crazy all day! So annoying.

Oh one more thing, thank you for the new followers. I have 77 followers now! Lucky number some might say =) When I click on your profiles though it just doesn't show up some of your websites or blogs. And I know some of you do have blogs because the same happens with some my favorite bloggers too. So if you have a blog and you realize I'm not following if you could just let me know your addresses that would be awesome. Thanx

Have a great weekend! ♥

A Challenge

Hey! Sorry I have been lazy about posting lately. I didn't wanna keep writing the same song over and over again. And although I was suppose to be back on track I wasn't feeling it. I was looking for extra motivation though and considering giving myself a challenge. I didn't have to. Cos I found out about this awesome blog and the 101 Days Challenge. I joined a little late. So I'm running behind one week. The challenge will end on Labor Day. Each participant comes up with their own goals and every saturday we email Biz to let her know how it's going so she posts everyone's updates on her 101 Update page. I'll be sending my first update next saturday as I joined, I think, on friday. The challenge already have 50 participants!!! Awesome!

So here is my goals for the next 3 months:

• lose 20 pounds (that would put me at 190lbs) 
  
• track food every day (everyday!!! no skipping weekends or giving up on the day if I eat something bad)
• weekly limit of 11,000 calories (which gives me 1500 calories a day & some change)
• limit fat and sugar (cos I've been bad!)
• workout 4 times a week (this one will move slow cos my knees are my masters you know that :)
• keep my living space organized * this one is important! (I wake up with a better attitude if my room is looking good)

 That also means I should be losing more than half a pound every two weeks!!! I'm gonna have my first "walk" since forever tomorrow. Only 1 km and slow. But it's something. And it means I can walk for 1.5km the next day then 2km the day after...

I also planned everything I'm gonna eat today already. I'm gonna stick to it no matter how much I wanna eat more or different. This week will be hard (cos I failed last week) but next will be easier. I can't wait for next week :)

Happy Monday!

Thank God for AC

If you're watching any kind of news you should be aware of a certain attack on a certain ship on certain internation sea and certain deaths... I feel like I should be writing about this and the following events as it's almost the only thing anyone is talking about around me right now. And I would be lying if I told you I'm not affected by what's going on but I decided  I don't want to drown my blog in ugliness.


It's burning hot. Supposed to be cooler today. Haven't felt a difference yet. May be it's because I'm stuck inside the apartment. Well thank God for AC and daddy cos he bought me one last summer. My room is on the south-west corner of the building and it doesn't get worse than that. But now with the help of the ac I'm not leaving the room. My parents visit my room to cool off but stepping out is a little tricky. I don't even know what I'm complaining about right now, I guess I'm bored again. Surprise surprise!!

By the way I wish there was a spell checking tool on blogspot. They have everyhing. Why not spell checking?

Meet dinner from last night. I've been eating a lot of potatoes lately. Started in Ankara. Has no oil in it what so ever. So that's good. But I'm in a potato state of mind I have to say. My tomato salad left me wanting more too. I thought I didn't want much so made just that little. Summer is definitely tomato salad season here. Little olive oil and lemon juice makes it the perfect side dish for almost any food any meal. Look at the chicken though, looks like it's being bullied by the rest of the plate =) But I had a tuna salad for lunch so I decided that chicken was enough.

And this is what I eat almost every breakfast. That's smoked turkey and simit. Simit is a bagel like Turkish habbit. I'm sayin habbit because as a family we go thorugh about a million a week. One whole simit would be equal to 4 normal slices of bread. I eat about half. The egg sometimes becomes two or three egg whites or low-fat cheese. I need lots and lots of protein for breakfast. Otherwise I would be in hunger pains and get light headed in an hour. Well I need lots of protein any meal but breakfast is the most important obviously. I can never  leave the house or function at all without it. That little glass is how we traditionally have our tea here. my glass is actually slightly larger than the "traditional". My father hates it, cos he thinks it's too big :) Well I don't mind it. I still get the same pleasure.

J stopped by yesterday. She is gonna be spending at least 6 weeks in US at her uncle's. If she finds an internship it might be even longer. But before she leaves we are trying to catch some music festivals. There is a dance music festival, I think it could be called "dance music", anywho we love it Efes Pilsen One Love. I thought we could only go the first day not the second cos I thought she was leaving on that second day. Sophie Ellis Bextor and The Ting Tings will be performing on the second day and I wouldn't mind making babies with Sophie or her music. Yeah I love it. Her "catch you" is my pushing-it-to-the-limit during workout song. So I was complaining about it yesterday and J laughed at my face and told me she was leaving 3 days later that =) I totally forgot I was supposed to be resting my knee and started jumping up and down screaming of joy... This is my kinda good news.

And to be honest I don't know what else to tell you. I'm kind of or no straight out regretting not remaining 100% anonymous. I don't mind Ivy reading anything. But I let my boyfriend read it. Hmmm... If I told him not to read yes he wouldn't (I on the otherhand would read it no matter what). But I don't know what I really want to share or not. I guess I'm simply confused about the whole thing.

Have a great wednesday!

Fear No More

I've got news. Let me tell you from the beginning.

On friday I went to my orthopaedist. He was surprised to see me because he thought my right knee was supposed to be in pretty good shape by now. He was right. So I told him what happened to my left knee. I said "I know this is not really what happened but it felt like my knee turned 90 degrees by itself and snapped back." He had a very worried look on his face and he asked me when that happened. I told him a month ago but he was at a seminar so I couldn't see him. Then I told him the pain came back a few weeks ago and it was horrible for 3-4 days. He did not like it.

Still I wasn't that worried anymore. Because I trust him so much I just knew everyhing was OK. Then he told me that "feeling" of the knee turning, yeah, that really happened. I got dizzy. How the hell does that really happen!! Ouch! The pain was bad but I can deal with pain. This thing is plain creepy and far from being natural.

The diagnosis was I tore my cruciate ligamen. The worst was him telling me I might need surgery. He didn't even have a hint of smile on his face which freaked me out even more. He sent me to get an MRI. At the hospital it was way too expensive. So he gave me a phone number. I called, told the lady my doctor gave me the number blah blah so they sent a driver to pick me up from the hospital! That was very very nice of them. I got over the MRI and I was waiting for my father to come pick me up. In 10 minutes they had written up the report and gave me back my results!  That was the cool part and I paid 1/4 of what I would have at the hospital. But I had to wait till the next day to show the report and the images to my doc.

Saturday comes. My boyfriend takes me to the hospital. We wait and wait (I didn't have an appointment we had to wait for an opening) I was about to lose my mind. I hate waiting for anything anyways. But this oh boy I wanted to kick something!

Finally I get in. He looks at the stuff I brought with me. He looks at me and says "you failed. couldn't tear the whole thing." Geez!!! I had a heart attack the first second but recovered quickly. He said the 70% of the ligament was fine. He was smiling again and I took a deep breath, it was gonna be alright afterall.

Now I have to keep sitting on my butt, resting the knee for 10 more days (no workouts of any kind at all) use ice 3 times a day, etc. I have to buy a kneepad. After the resting period, by the way it's so short because so lucky that I got sick in Ankara and couldn't workout, I will start walking very slowly. 1 km (0.62 miles) the first day very slow. Adding half a kilometer each day untill I get to my regular lenght, but need to keep it slower than I am used to and in a few months I can go full force again.

There is a weigh in coming up and I guess I'll be lucky if I don't gain anything. I'd been stressing over the knee and sitting on my butt all day I'm so bored!!! I wanna eat everyhting. Of course I won't. But well... I want to.

Forget about the food for a second though I almost had to go through surgery. I think I can survive 10 days of boredom =D

Beautiful Blogger Award

The rules: pass the award on to 7 bloggers and write 7 things about myself that you did not know!

Thank you Aylilth!!! Such a great encouragement!! =D I'm honored ♥
I'm trying not to cheat on this one. 7 things you don't know is though. Why am I finding this one so hard :) Let's just try.

1 - I'm Muslim

2 - I'm bi

3 - I have two tattoos

4 - I studied in California (Pitzer College) for two years then quit because I got very very depressed (I spent a lot of time with a shrink) possibly because I missed home but certainly not the only reason

5 - I'm not a friendly person (do not argue I know what I'm talking about)

6 - I used to be very skinny when I was a kid. So my parents took me to a million doctors and I started using medicine to up my apetite when I was 8 years old. You have seen the results that first piece of chain of things did.
7 - My biggest fantasy in life is to live in a country style house close to a cliff and a forest 10 minutes away from a little town and at most 2 hours away from a big city spending my days writing, taking after my millions of cats and dogs and all the rest, visiting my kids, and loving my husband.


Now time to pass this Beautiful Blogger Award on to 7 bloggers. I kinda want to name different people from my last award. If you haven't received it yet and would so kindly except it:

CJ
Jessica
Police Girl
SherRon
BAYGIRL32
Barlow Putz
Renée


xoxo -River

Surviving

I was supposed to post yesterday but waited till I would workout (no I didn't). It was getting late so I wrote some stuff then my internet connection got cut for some reason. So frustrating living without internet for even a couple hours. I depend on the internet for so many things it's insane. Reminds me what was up with the Biggest Loser Finale? They didn't let anyone speak and kept showing stupid videos of people "reminding" us what they've "gone through" at the ranch. It was my least favorite finale. But I would have been happy with any of them top 3 winning. I used to dislike Mike a lot in the beginning, the old days when he was into eliminating people who deserved to be there more. Now I think he is a grown up man again and he looks so hot!!! They all do. Yay! ((:

By the way Jillian looked hotter than anybody there or I'm just too into that lovely little lady.

I'm finally gonna see my knee doctor tomorrow. He had surgeries, etc all the week so tomorrow was the earliest date I could catch him. I'm very worried about it. This sudden and not-going-away-for-a-couple-of-days-pain in my left knee is scary and new. I really don't even want to think about it. It will be ok. Has to be.

I'm eating alright again. Having difficulty in going back to tracking my food though. I'm so bored of writing and seraching and adding and blah blah blah. I do feel safer with tracking my food so I need to snap out of this atittude and do the work. But seriously I've been good about portion control and this little plate is stuffed grape leaves with fat-free Turkish yoghurt. Last week I would have eaten at least twice as many and with lots of bread. But this was my lunch yesterday. I've been drinking a little too much sugar-free ice tea. I really need something to prevent me from feeling hungry. I'll be cutting back next week. Trying to listen to my body's signals. But the heat is also making me thursty and even in winter I drink about 12 glasses of water a day. Imagine how much liquids my body is asking for!! I'm a walking pool.

One thing I need to fix is my sleep schedule. I've been sleeping after the birds starts to sing and the sun is up. Today I'm seeing the effects. Feeling so tired and my eyes want to close asap. Good thing my doctor's appointment is at noon. I gotta get up early, meaning I can't just stay in bed untill I please. The procrastinator in me got to go on a vacation and leave me alone.

I also can't wait to do something other than light, weight training. I wanna walk again. I want my knees to behave and work with me. Feels like I'm paying for something, but I'm good at blaming myself for everything. Don't worry after spending days, weeks, months thinking on it I find out the truth and come to my senses. Well that might change as I decide to grow up some day.

I might be getting effected by all the shows ending the season and there have been way too many sad sad episodes. Yes I'm watching too much but hey I probably won't have time to watch any soon. But the weekend is coming!!!! We might see the last Shrek movie. We try to watch any 3D movies we can get. I could watch commercials for hours if they were in 3D =)

You know what? I'm already feeling a little better. I'm gonna have to do another post in a minute cos I recieved another award!!! HAH! Then I'll reorganize my wardrobe. I'm not happy with the current state. I'll remove some on the draw systems I'm using and re-arrange some stuff. I think I need to throw out some things and give away others. Yeah it's time already. I also need to catch up on reading blogs. I've read some and lacking commenting. Ayayyayyyy gotta move.

Luv u ♥

Back Home & In Trouble

 It's good to be back. It's time to face the reality. I gained 3.5lbs! That is huge! It's so huge that I wanna cut flesh off of my body to get rid of it right away! I'm so embarrasssed to come back after two weeks and tell you all this is what I did. I will go ahead and confess I binged three times the past 10 days. That is such a high number at this point. But I'm home now and don't have any excuses. I need to get back into the "healthy mind" already and get the numbers going down again.

I had fun though. I don't regret relaxing a little. I don't diet to just lose weight. I'm trying to turn everything I know and still learning into a life style. And in real life you do take vacations and gain a couple of pounds. You just come back to your daily routine and you lose that extra naturally. I admit if I don't lose it back in a week I'll probably have a different attitude. But it will be only because I would have disappointed myself. So we'll have some rules brought back this week if I don't want that happenning. The lazy in me needs to move out.

These rules to be followed for the next two weeks (mon 05/24 - sat 06/05)

1 - no sugar 

(fresh fruit only)

2 - min 5 servings of veggies & fruits

3 - no processed food or junk

4 - eat 1300-1600 calories

5 - limit fat

6 - do whatever workout I can 

(as long as my knees let me)

7- not gonna weigh in untill June 6

Of course there are nice things going on too. Like my mother did a major spring cleaning in my room. I don't think this room was ever this clean. I need to do some reorganizing but feels like the room is shining with pride! Mama is my hero of the month! (and probably all the other 11 months too)

I have to admit though the best part of coming home is my boyfriend. After so many years I still think it's a miracle that we ever met and became close friends, then finally fall in love... Oops I'm getting too emotional all of a sudden. I think catching up with Gray's Anatomy did some damage. What the hell was those last two episodes! Reminds me we still haven't seen the Lost finali. I did consider staying up till morning (was shown here same time as USA) but decided it was silly. I also download every episode then wait to watch it with my boy. We're hoping to watch it tomorrow evening if he is not too tired after his workout. So freaking excited!

I'm ending today's post with this lovely photo of Ivy with the little cat who found us on their backyard and adopted us all by himself! (I think he is a he but may be not) He kinda made us give him milk by drinking Ivy's coffee so casually and looking like enjoying it a lot. He joined us for dinner that day and disappeared the day after to reappear and even jumo in the car with us just the next day. Ivy tells me he still comes and goes and I fell in love with him so bad that I'm torturing my little dog evne worse now. She's fine yet but it's only cos she missed me too much. Next week she'll be hiding from me =) She is a free spirit! ♥